


Conversations

by Arashimelia



Category: GOT7
Genre: Adults, Conversation, Family, Life - Freeform, M/M, Past, Question - Freeform, Teenagers, Truth, Who am I?, futur, jinson, present
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:27:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 56,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23796910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arashimelia/pseuds/Arashimelia
Summary: By asking Jinyoung a simple question, Jackson doesn't know his life's about to be turned upside down...These are short chapters
Relationships: Park Jinyoung/Jackson Wang
Comments: 152
Kudos: 158





	1. Surprise !

"Jinyoungie?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Do you regret any of your choices? "

They were in the dressing rooms of the Idol Room. Their comeback was scheduled three days later and the show would air the following week. Yugyeom and Youngjae were getting their hair done, Jaebum and Bambam were doing makeup and Mark was playing on his phone. With his eyes focused on the ceiling, Jackson was lying on the couch against which Jinyoung was leaning. He was sitting on the floor reading the script for his drama. Jinyoung looked up and turned slightly to answer him: 

"Those choices that brought me to this very moment where you ask me if I regret them?"

"Yes, those choices. "Jackson confirmed, turning his head to look into her eyes. 

"No, I don't regret anything," Jinyoung finally replied, without really thinking. " Why do you ask? "

"Just to know"

"I know you too well, and when you ask this kind of questions, that is never just to know " 

"Not wrong"

"You'll tell me when you're ready."

"Maybe..."

He closed his eyes.

"Why don't you regret anything?" Jackson asked, after some seconds of silence 

"Because I'm not you. "

On hearing this sentence, he immediately opened his eyes. The dressing rooms had disappeared, the members of his group were no longer there and he was lying on a bed. He was in a panic, he couldn't understand how he could have ended up in that place when ten seconds before he was getting ready to do a show. He must have been dreaming. He had fallen asleep on the couch without realizing it and he was in his dream. That must have been the explanation. It was the only one that made sense, the most believable one. He pinched himself and the pain was real. He looked for landmarks that he could use as a guide to where he was. Surprisingly, he had only taken the time to analyze the room's decoration. It seemed familiar, but he hadn't had time to delve deeper into the feeling. Someone entered the room in a hurry, stopping abruptly when he saw him on his bed. 

Now he remembered. 

He was in his teenage bedroom in Hong Kong. 

And the person who had just come in was himself at the age of thirteen.


	2. Conversation with my 13 years old self

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This title is the name of a song by Pink.

"Don't scream! Please don't scream! "

What an idiot! He just spoke to him in Korean instead of the original version 

"Don't scream! Please don't scream!" he repeated in Cantonese this time. 

He put his finger over his mouth and sat down on the edge of his old bed. The young man in front of him looked petrified, just as Jackson had done when he had seen that huge bug on the table. He tried to find the right words so as not to frighten him even more. He didn't know where to start since he didn't even know how he'd managed to teleport himself from the present to the past. What would have reassured him if he had been thirteen years old and had seen his double adult? 

"Are you a ghost?" the kid asked. 

He was sure that if he answered "yes", he would run away and scream very loudly. 

" Not exactly. "

To his surprise, young Jackson didn't really have a reaction. After the shock, he seemed quite at ease. Was he braver at thirteen than at twenty-six?

"You are one of my ancestors? "

"What do you think? " 

Answering a question by asking another question was an easy solution, but for the time being, he didn't really have any other ideas. 

"For an ancestor, you wear the wrong clothes."

He was already very intelligent at his age. Why did everyone think he was a little simple-minded as an adult? Being funny didn't mean being dumb. 

"Are you from another dimension? " 

"You could say it like this... "

"Cool! "

Cool? He realized we didn't see the world the same way when we were thirteen. There was nothing supernatural about the supernatural. He approached and greeted him as he introduced himself. 

"My name is Wang Jia Er"

"I am... Jackson."

"I like it. "

Jackson couldn't help but laugh at the kid's naturalness. He understood better now why people sometimes laughed when he said something without trying to be funny. 

"How long have you been visiting other dimensions? "

"It's my first time. "

"You're a novice. It's funny you came here. What'd you come here for?"

That was an excellent question. He hesitated. Did he have to lie to himself? He hadn't been very honest from the beginning, but given the situation, he didn't really have a choice. A little truth wouldn't hurt.

"I don't know. "

From the expression on his face, Jia Er seemed disappointed by the answer. He pouted. Suddenly, his eyes lit up and he had a big smile on his face as if he'd just been given an unexpected gift.

"Maybe I have to help you. "


	3. Conversation with my 13 years old self

"Maybe I have to help you. "

He rushed to his bed, beside Jackson, approaching his face to examine the face of the person in front of him. 

"You look human." 

"'Cause I am," Jackson laughed back. 

"There's no aliens in your dimension? "

"No, just humans." 

"And cars fly? "

"Neither do I. Some of them run on electricity and they can park themselves." 

He looked at him and was completely unimpressed. Of course, compared to flying cars, the cars of 2020 were little players. 

"People can travel in space through a Stargate? "

"We haven't found that door yet. In years to come, they want to go to Mars. "

"Mars is the planet next door, too easy. And can people teleport like in Harry Potter? "

"My dimension isn't Hogwarts. It's the same as yours with a few small differences. 

"If people can't teleport, why did you do it? "

"I don't know. I fell asleep for a few seconds and then I woke up here. "

"Maybe you travel in your sleep. "

"I don't think so. No one's ever told of changing dimensions in their sleep."

"Perhaps you're the only one who can." 

"Maybe... "

"I'm trying to find you an explanation. That doesn't mean I have all the answers. At least I'm making assumptions. You don't seem to be looking for much." 

Oh, my God! Teenagers had really slightly annoying ways of talking. His mother had had a lot of patience to deal with that raw honesty. As he got older, he knew that, now he had confirmation. He breathed before answering him, with a smile. 

"I think your mother taught you to speak politely to older people, didn't she? "

"Sorry," he apologized, lowering his eyes. "I have a tendency to get carried away. That's what everybody says, and I get on their nerves  
sometimes."

" I know. I was the same way when I was your age. "

"Is it true? "he asked, surprised, looking up. 

" Yes, but you'll see, as you grow up, you'll learn to control yourself. It's going to take a little time but you'll get better and better at it."

"I don't think so. My mind is going too fast and my body always wants to be moving as if I was accelerating and the rest of the world was going at normal speed. That's why my parents signed me up there because the teachers thought I wasn't in the same frame of mind as everyone else.

"You're talking about the international school? "

"How do you know? "

He closed his eyes. He had just made a mistake. He hadn't thought about what to say, it had come spontaneously. He remembered his feeling of being out of step when he had to go to a doctor because he kept talking in class without listening to authority. Under the guidance of the teachers, he left his local school for the American International School. He felt guilty that his parents were depriving themselves to give him a school education that would be the best for him. This feeling of not being like everyone else had pursued him as a teenager. And it was all this past that had suddenly come out when Jia Er had talked about how difficult it was to be himself. Now Jackson had to answer him without changing his own story too much.


	4. Conversation with my 13 years old self

Jia Er was eagerly awaiting the answer, and that was reflected in the nervousness of his body movements. The excitement was so great that he needed to get out of bed. He was caught up in this incredible story of having met someone who really understood him and could potentially bring him miraculous answers to all his questions. Jackson showed him the wall, the young boy turned around. The admission letter with the American International School logo was hanging above his desk. His mother must have posted it while he was away. The light in his eyes went out slightly. The explanation could not be more rational. The surprising paradox in having someone from another dimension in front of you. Jackson read the disappointment in his eyes. At that moment, he wanted to tell the truth but the repercussions were potentially too important on the future of the teenager and therefore on his present. He had to find a way to talk to him as if he were just any thirteen years old kid. How to make him hear that his words were not empty of meaning. All the sentences in his head sounded like banalities, yet they were referring to his own experience, which would become Jia Er's experience. He felt like Cassandra in Euripides' Trojans, the Pythia cursed by Apollo. She knows the future, but she can't convince anyone of it. It was frustrating beyond words. 

"You're not just someone with attention problems," he finally said. 

It was at least a beginning. He had to find the next step quickly so as not to lose his attention. 

"I don't think you can sum up a person in one tiny little part of them. If you ask your family or friends to describe you in one word, they won't all have the same image of you. And then again, the whole of their look will not be the whole truth about you. Don't forget in the equation what you think about yourself and what you want to become. If I ask you to introduce yourself, what would you like to tell me about yourself? 

"Should I answer the question? "he asked. 

"Yes, that's a real question, not just my speech."

"I'd tell you that... I'm very athletic. I like to meet people, get to know them and make friends with them. I think I'm funny and I'm not too... ugly."

"Not too ugly," Jackson repeated with a big smile. "I don't think you dare tell me that you think you're okay.

"When I see the look on some people's faces, I must admit I'm very lucky to look like this. "

"If it makes you feel any better, you're not wrong. This head, as you say, will serve you well in the near future. "Jackson laughed. 

"Do you have any information? "

"Information? "

"You seem to be certain of what you're saying as a matter of course with no alternative. "

Jackson looked at him, a little shocked. Did he really talk that good when he was 13? He couldn't remember being so mature, perceptive and relevant in his thinking. He panicked slightly, wondering if the young man hadn't discovered his secret all along. He had to pull himself together, stay calm and play the game. 

"Some information but nothing 100% sure. They say you're going to become famous in the world, nice house and car, surrounded by pretty girls and fans who will love you. But it's still pretty vague. "

The teenager looked at him for several seconds and then he burst out laughing. 

"I don't think so. My father always told me that the only athletes who are not well known in fencing are those who win gold medals. Already, I'm not sure I have the level. And then you forget about them very quickly. Who was the Olympic champion at the Barcelona Olympics? Nobody remembers except those who are interested in the sport. "

Jackson's smiling. If only he knew what was waiting for him... 

"By the way, how come you can speak Cantonese? "

"Because it's my mother tongue."

"Don't we speak another language in your dimension? "

"What do you mean?"

"When you saw me, you said something in another language."

"Ah! It was Korean. "

"You speak Korean!" he shouted.

"Shh!" Jackson begged, rushing over to put his hand over his mouth. "Your parents can't know I'm here. I can't explain to them, you understand? "

He nodded his head to show him that he had understood. Jackson withdrew his hand while keeping his arm around the neck of his teenage version. The teenager smiled mischievously at him, and then he shouted again: 

"You speak Korean!" 

Jackson tried to shut him up immediately, but he wasn't quick enough. Jia Er had already escaped from his embrace. He was really too fast, no wonder he was so good at fencing. Very proud of himself, he shrugged his shoulders with a mischievous pout: 

"My parents aren't here. "


	5. Conversation with my 13 years old self

Jackson sits on the bed, a little pissed off about getting screwed over. If he'd been in the boy's shoes, he would have thought it was very funny. Oddly enough, he didn't appreciate the joke. Jia Er must have thought he was angry because he tried to get his attention by asking his several questions in a row. Jackson didn't really listen to him, he was too preoccupied with his concern. How was he going to get out of this mess? When he talked about his parents, he became aware of a reality he had lost sight of since he was talking to the teenager. Maybe he was stuck in the past and was too afraid to come out of that room to get confirmation. He was paralyzed by the idea that he was not dreaming after all. His hands clasped on his old duvet, his eyes gazed into the void, and suddenly he heard his name. 

"Jackson!" 

"What?" he asked, raising his head. 

" Are you all right? "

" Yeah, sorry, I didn't hear you. What did you say to me? 

"I was asking about your life in Korea... But if you don't want to answer me, I understand. It must be boring for you."

He heard real fear in his voice. How stupid can it be not to pay attention to the teenager in front of him? He now remembered how distressed he felt, being younger when people ignored him or didn't respond to him. He always felt as if he had said something stupid or uninteresting. He only wanted to scream and often did so to show that he was there. On rare occasions, when he was really bad, he just wanted to disappear. He would keep quiet and hope that someone would notice that he wasn't like he used to be. And that would prove that he was real. And often it worked. Everybody wanted to bring the Jackson back, full of life, always talking or making other people laugh. And he would do it to reassure everyone, but mostly to feel useful and necessary. He tried to make up for it by not letting Jia Er sink into the dark side of his personality. 

" No! No! I assure you, I don't mind. I was thinking about something else, but I'm listening. What was it you wanted to know?"

" How long have you been living in Korea?"

" Nine years." 

" Why did you go there?" 

"To make a career. "

" In what? 

" Music." 

"Seriously ? It's my dream too! "

" What a coincidence!" Jackson murmured ironically. 

"And you're working in music now? "

" Yes, I'm in a band and I started my own label. "

" What kind of music do you do? 

" Mostly pop. "

"Are you an idol?" 

"Yeah, I'm an idol. "

" And you're super famous? "

" Let's just say we have a certain amount of fans." 

Jia Er ran up to him, grabbed his arms and hugged him tightly as if he was holding a national treasure. He looked him in the eyes and, looking slightly begging, he asked: 

" How did you do it?" 

His reaction was completely passionate. He couldn't remember how badly he wanted to make music. Now that he was in the process of fulfilling his dream, he was still as enthusiastic as ever, but this devouring desire had gradually subsided. He had always been hungry, now he could finally feed himself. But at thirteen, he still hadn't told anyone, keeping this secret a little shameful for him. He was convinced that no one would take him seriously. He had always been good at sports, whether it was gymnastics like his mother or fencing like his father. He had also followed in his older brother's footsteps. He came from a family of sportsmen and women, and the music had no place in his life because his parents didn't know anyone who was involved in this field. He had it in his skin, in his blood and in his heart. When he was a teenager, it was contained with such force that it seemed at times to be on the verge of exploding. And that's what happened one day. He had needed to express what he really wanted, despite all the changes it implied. He understood why he'd put so much energy and never counted the hours into becoming... Jackson Wang. Because there was no turning back.

"I had to quit everything."


	6. Conversation with my 13 years old self

" I had to leave everything." 

It's strange to remember how it all started, how determined he had to be to convince everyone that he was doing the right thing despite a very promising future. The opportunity to go to Stanford, to do the Olympics, to be the official representative of Hong Kong. He talked about it regularly in the shows, especially in the early days of Got7. It was obviously an important part of his life but he needed to explain why it was legitimate to be part of this idol group. All the decisions he made were difficult, especially when you're only eighteen years old. He wasn't even really an adult yet. He was mature for his age, he knew how to manage himself and be independent, but he was still a teenager from an emotional point of view. He didn't still knew completely who he really was and what he was worth. He had to learn it far from his bearings, far from his loved ones, far from his world. 

"I left my parents, my family. I left high school before I even graduated, my friends, my classmates, my teachers. I said goodbye to everything I'd known all my life. I found myself in a country where even the language was unknown to me. It was very strange. Luckily I spoke English and ended up with other guys who had also left their homeland to come and try their luck. When you're in the same situation, it's a way to get closer very quickly without asking questions. I've never had too much trouble reaching out to others, but in this situation, even less so. In the early days, we were very tough, I was full of doubt and anxiety. I didn't really know how to dance or rap, I liked to sing but my voice wasn't stable. I had to work over and over again to get better and to make sure I could catch up and show that I could become an idol. More than once, I wanted to go home because I missed everybody." 

Jia Er listened to him attentively. He had to try to put himself in his place, imagine if he could do it too. Would he have the strength and courage to go on such a journey with all the risks involved? Jackson knew that the absence of his family would be the most painful part of his life. At thirteen, it was hard to imagine being away from his parents and not being able to come back to see them regularly.

"Do you regret making that choice? "asked the young man. 

"Not for a second," Jackson replied. "It took a lot of sacrifices and hard work, I went through times when I often cried because I felt like I couldn't make it. I practiced over and over until I fainted from exhaustion. My body hurt very badly sometimes, it asked me to rest and I pushed it beyond its limits. But it didn't bother me, I was used to it because I had been doing high-level sports since I was a child. The hardest thing was to put myself through this without knowing if it would really get me anywhere. In the end, it paid off. So no, I don't regret it because I've fulfilled my dream and I've met some great people with whom I've formed a family. I have tons of great memories with them."

"They seem like really exceptional people. "

"The best. We're all different, but we all get along very well. In a group, usually, you can see people with the most affinity. With us, it's very difficult. Every duo has things in common. For example, Bambam and Mark..."

"Bambam and Mark? It doesn't sound too Korean..."

"One is Thai and one is Taiwanese American."

"Is that who you were talking to in English? 

"Yes, among others."

"You said that Bambam and Mark... "

"It seems like they don't have a lot of relationships. But when you're really careful, they laugh together, they like the same music, the same spicy food, they talk a lot together. They're four years apart but they've known each other since they've been trainees. They are shooting together in Thailand. They are really comfortable with each other. And even if they don't show it much on the show, the fans know it. It just shows how close we are to each other. "

"When you tell, you feel you really love them... "

"I'm telling you, this is my family."

"Then go back to them! "

"What?"

His eyes suddenly opened as if he'd been forced to close them for a very long time. He was lying on the couch in the dressing room of the Idol Room. Everyone in his band was around him. They all seemed worried.


	7. Back to the Future

They all looked worried but relieved to see him open his eyes. 

"Jackson, are you okay?" Jaebum asked. 

"Yeah, why?"

"You fell asleep and couldn't wake up. We thought you were unconscious, we were this close to calling an ambulance. Luckily, Jinyoung had the reflex to check your reaction when he asked you to shake his hand. Since you were conscious, we let you sleep, but it was very strange..."

"Did I sleep?"

"Yes for half an hour," confirmed Bambam. "Didn't you realize?"

"I don't know... I remember I was on the couch, talking with Jinyoung and then nothing."

He got up and stood up. His head immediately turned and he was overcome by a violent vertigo. Everyone around him tried to catch up with him. 

"Are you okay?" Youngjae asked worriedly. 

"I must've gotten up too quickly" 

"Do you think you can do the show?" Jaebum asked in turn. 

"I think it's because of the nap I took I'm a little in a bit of a bind. But I'll be okay. I'm going to go to the bathroom to freshen up and everything will be better. "

"Here! "Mark said, giving him a small bottle of water. "Do you want something to eat?"

"I'm on a diet. "

"A fruit? A banana?"

"No, I'm fine, thank you. Don't worry, I'll go to the bathroom and I'll catch up with you, okay?"

"Are you sure you don't want us to come along?" insisted Yugyeom. 

"No, I assure you, I can manage."

He walked to the toilet still a little unsteady on his legs but he tried to put on a good face. He forced himself to walk as straight as possible even though it was rocking violently in his head. When he stood in front of the mirror, he understood why the others had reacted like that. He had a scary face. He splashed cold water on his face several times. He stood on the edge of the sink, trying to collect his thoughts and memories. What had happened? Finally, he had dreamt of his time travel and meeting his teenage self? But it was so real. He even pinched himself to make sure. At the same time, the dreams were so powerful that they could make you believe in a non-existent reality. Let's say the whole thing was just unconscious, which would be more believable than his ability to teleport himself back in time. In that case, why had no one been able to wake him up, and more importantly, why had he not heard anything? He hadn't even felt shaken when they checked to see if he was unconscious. And then how could he have reacted to Jinyoung's request without hearing him? Too many questions were racing around in his head. And this was no time to be overwhelmed. He had a show to do and he had to keep it professional. He didn't want others to know that he wasn't really at his best. He gave himself a few little slaps on the face to regain some vigor and tone. As he came out of the bathroom, Jinyoung was waiting for him, leaning against the wall with his arms folded, looking at the floor before looking up when he heard the door open. His pose was ideal for a fashion shoot, he would have made sensational photos in this position. His serious look brought Jackson back to reality. 

"You didn't have to wait for me. "he said, shaking his head in disapproval. 

"How are you feeling? "Jinyoung asked, completely ignoring his remark. 

"I'm much better. A little cold water on my face and I'm ready. I'll just have to wear a little makeup again."

"Seunah..." he says with great gravity. "Do not lie to me. "

"I'm not lying to you. "

"You don't look at all fit. You should go home."

"I assure you that I'll be fine. If I feel like I'm really not okay, I'll let you know. "

"Aren't you trying to be a hero?"

"I promise you I'm not trying to be Iron Man."

Jinyoung didn't seem convinced, but he agreed to believe it anyway. If he'd been in Jackson's shoes, he would've had the same kind of reaction. They were professionals, and they really had to have big health problems to stop them. They walked up the hallway together without saying a word. Jackson could see that he was giving him quick glances to make sure he wasn't about to faint. Jackson was really starting to get better, his legs were no longer wobbly and he was regaining some of his energy. They were on their way to join the others when Jackson grabbed his wrist to make him stop dead in his tracks. Jinyoung turned towards him, surprised by his gesture. 

"I've been meaning to ask you... " Jackson hesitated. "Why you said "I'm not you" when I asked you 'Why don't you regret anything? "

"When?"

"Just before I fall asleep. "

" I wanted to answer but you were already asleep. "

"Didn't you say anything?

"No, I didn't have time. "

"Yet I heard you... Whatever."

They joined the others and minutes later, the recording of the Idol Room began.


	8. Back to the Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope my story won't disappoint you.

Three weeks had passed since his strange experience and no further incidents had occurred. Jackson had come to the conclusion that it was a dream, and his impromptu nap was due to the intense sequence between his solo career and Got7's comeback. For the past two weeks, they had been in the middle of promoting their new album. There hadn't been much time for them between recordings, live performances, and practice dance videos. At least they were spending all those moments together and that was the most important thing. The weeks before their comeback, they were often busy with their individual activities: a drama, a solo career in China, travel to Thailand, a photoshoot for a magazine, an album for a subunit... And then they all got together as if they were at summer camp. Even if this camp consisted of one performance after another, the general atmosphere was joyful and childlike. They were in the Music Core dressing rooms. They were ready, everyone was dressed, made up, and had their hair done. Jaebum was sitting on the couch reading a book. Bambam was laughing his head off with Yugyeom in the corner. The leader didn't even look up, knowing them perfectly well. They had to invent a game again. Youngjae was practicing his vocalizations while Mark was playing on his phone saying some "shit! "at times. Jinyoung was sitting on a chair, looking at all these little people while thinking about the movements of the choreography. Yugyeom and Bambam pushed each other, causing Youngjae to lose his balance. 

"Guys, calm down!" Jinyoung intervened. 

"What's taking so long today?" asked Yugyeom. 

"There's been a small technical incident," explained Jaebum. "We'll be an hour behind schedule, that's what the manager told me."

After this explanation, he went back to his reading. He felt a weight on his shoulder. It was Jackson who had put his head on his shoulder. He was a little surprised, he wasn't expecting that kind of gesture all of a sudden. Jackson had been very quiet lately. Since Lullaby, following the many negative criticisms, he had learned to channel his energy in public, showing a more mature and adult image. He continued to be fun and bouncy and even more so in private. He had times when he would recharge his batteries when it was just the seven of them, but this time something was really different. 

"What could we do in the meantime?" Bambam asked. 

"Meditation," Jinyoung suggested ironically. 

"Seriously?"

Bambam's naiveté made him smile. Bambam always had trouble telling the difference between Jinyoung's serious side and Jinyoung's tongue-in-cheek side. Seeing his smile, Bambam realized he was making fun of him. 

"Could we play a game? " suggested Yugyeom. "Who's in?"

Yugyeom and Bambam were the first to raise their hands. The younger one turned to Jinyoung who nodded to confirm that he agreed. The older ones didn't answer too busy.

"Mark hyung? "called Jinyoung

"What?" 

"You up for a game? "

" Why not... "

"Jaebumie? 

"Depends what game... "

"Seunah?"  
"Sorry, I'll pass. I don't feel like it."

"Come on Hyung!" begged Yugyeom. "It won't be fun if you don't play."

"Thank you for us," Jaebum complained. 

"No, but what I mean is..."

"Jackson's funnier than we are. "

"Hyung, let me finish my sentence! It's just that it's always more fun when the seven of us play together. We're a team. "

"All right, I'll play," Jackson agreed. 

"Before we start, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. "Jinyoung explained. 

He got up and left the room. Jackson moved a little closer to Jaebum and grabbed his arm to squeeze it and stick to him. 

"Are you okay?" Jaebum asked, gently so that the others wouldn't notice that something might be wrong. 

"I'm just a little tired. "

"It's been an intense week. Don't you want to rest instead of playing? "

"The children will be disappointed. "

"Yeah, but they're not alone. We're here. Besides, a parent has a right to be exhausted."

"When we first got here, I didn't feel so knackered."

"Maybe you have a problem?"

"I'm tired to have a proble ."

"What do you mean? "

"Nothing."

" What's going on? "

"It's me, I have to make movies. "

Jaebum took a look at the others, they were all busy talking to each other. They didn't pay any attention at all that they were both in a serious conversation.

"Hey! You know you can tell me anything. Usually, you find it easier to confide in Jinyoung, but you can also count on me. "

"I know, hyung. And I don't find it any easier to confide in Jinyoung..." he said with his eyes closed.

"Who do you want to make believe that? "

It was the last thing he heard before he opened his eyes again. He was sitting on the edge of the bed. He raised his head, his heart racing for fear of what lay ahead. He was back in his teenage bedroom and Jia Er was facing him. The nightmare began again.


	9. Conversation with my 13 years old self

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An other chapter... Enjoy !

He immediately closed his eyes and prayed very hard to return to the Music Core's dressing rooms. It was a dream. He could wake up. All he had to do was want it badly. He heard Jia Er's voice calling out to him. He pretended he didn't hear him, but the teenager started screaming his name. 

"Jackson! "

"What?" he shouted, opening his eyes again. 

"What's the matter with you? "

"How long have I been gone?"

"How long?"

"When was the last time you saw me?"

"Now..."

"No, but before now. "

"I don't understand your question. "

"How long ago was our first meeting? "

"Not even an hour ago. "

Jackson raised his head to look at him. Jia Er had just told him that the three weeks that separated them in the future, it didn't exist in this temporality. He didn't understand how that was possible. He got up out of bed, he needed to walk. He needed to know why he was back. He couldn't stay here, his life was waiting for him, fifteen years later. He had a comeback to finish... Shit! The Music Core! If it was like last time, he had fallen asleep on Jaebum. The others were going to be, again, unable to wake him up or maybe it was the solution to make him come back. They had tried it last time and nothing had worked. What made him go back to the future? He must have remembered the conversation with Jia Er and when he left the past. He searched his memory when he had a flash of genius. 

"What were we talking about? "

"Are you going senile?" Jia Er asked in all sincerity. 

"No. Why?"

"You keep asking me weird questions like you've lost your memory. "

"Sorry, I got a little distracted. I was thinking... about my dimension."

"Okay, I understand. You were telling me about Mark and Bambam's relationship and I told you they seemed like great people. "

"That's it? That's all you said?"

"No, only that. And then you started behaving out of character. "

"Did the lack of it set it all off? "

"What?"

"Nothing... I'm thinking to myself."

"You don't want to explain it to me? I can see there's something wrong. You've changed all of a sudden."

"I'm wondering how to get back to my dimension. "

"You miss your friends already? "

" Yes, I miss them, " he said, it was half-truth since he'd seen them less than ten minutes before, but if he got stuck in that place, he would."

" If that's how close you must really be. I love my friends very much but I can go for an hour without seeing them," the kid remarked. 

Jackson sputtered and laughed. The tone was very mocking and benevolent, just as he did with the members of his band. He realized that he already had, at thirteen, this unique repartee that made people happy. 

"It's especially if I stay for more than an hour because I have things to do in my dimension. "

"Like what?"

"A performance for a music show. "

"It must be too good. How's it going? "

"Our fans come out to cheer us on. We meet other bands. We wear clothes that fit the concept of the album. We do a lot of takes. We have a lot of fun in the dressing rooms and during the takes. "

"I wish I were you. "

"One day, perhaps... "

"I don't think... I'm not sure my parents will let me. My dad would like me to follow in his footsteps and my mom would probably be really sad to let me go. I'm like her baby. She loves my brother, but I know that being the youngest, we have a special relationship. With my brother, I'm nine years different. He's already an adult, it's like we've each been a little bit of an only child."

"If you talked to them about it, you might be surprised how they'd react. They want you to be happy, and if making music is what motivates you to get up in the morning, you should give it some serious thought. Find a way to convince them. Sometimes the love of parents is more powerful than their worries."

"How did you manage to convince them?"

"By showing them how passionate and determined I was. And by making them understand that this was my life and if they really wanted me to be happy, they had to let me do what I really loved to be completely myself. " 

"Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Tell me..."

"You and I are the same person, aren't we? "


	10. Conversation with my 13 years old self

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write a short story at the beginning. Big joke !

" You and me are the same person, isn't it ?"

"How long have you known?"

"Pretty much from the beginning."

"How did you figure it out?"

"The resemblance is quite striking. You didn't look like someone from the past, so I assumed you were from the future. "

"Why did you pretend to believe my story from another dimension? "

"The way you reacted, it suited you that I believed him. And I wanted to get information, but you wouldn't have given it to me, knowing that I knew the truth. Am I wrong? "

"Not really," he says, being very impressed with his own reasoning. 

"I had confirmation that you were me when you mentioned the international school. And I also got confirmation that you were afraid to tell me the truth when you found a plausible explanation when all the elements showed an improbable situation. "

"That's why you were disappointed..."

" I figured I had to play it more strategically if I wanted to find out more about my future. And the only way to do that was to keep believing in your explanation. "

"Why did you tell me everything? "

"Because I can see you're worried about something. And in order for you to be honest with me, I have to be honest with you. That's how people trust each other. "

"Except you can't even imagine the effect it can have on you and on me. "

"Is that why you didn't say anything? You thought it would change things too much? "

"I'm not sure we're in the same time dimension. Maybe your life and mine run parallel and my presence here won't have an impact on your future, but I wouldn't bet on it. It would be like playing Russian roulette, it's too risky. " 

"Now that you've started, it's too late. You may have already changed things."

Maybe that's why he came back. He'd already changed things and he needed to put them right, but how? He had only confirmed Jia Er's desire to make music, but in his own story, he had followed that path. Then he realized that he had perhaps upset the chronology of events. 

"I'll tell you more, but you have to promise me that you won't decide to stop fencing now and hope you can fly to Korea. It's not the right timing yet, you have to wait for the opportunity at the end of your 11th grade. Only then will you drop out of school. If you do differently, you won't have my future. Do you hear me, Jia Er? Not just yet."

"Okay... But if it turns out... "

"No! No "but." I like my present just the way it is. If you make any other decisions, you'll put me in a worse position. Besides, you still have some things to accomplish in fencing... "

"Like what?"

"You'll see for yourself. Keep practicing and listen to your dad. "

"You mean "our father." "

"Yes, our father. "

It was weird to say that and at the same time, it was a real relief not to let the truth escape him anymore. He still had to be careful not to say too much, but at least he could finally be himself. He wondered if he had managed to keep it that way. And if nothing had changed, what was he still doing there? Or maybe that wasn't why he was supposed to be there. Why was he visiting his past? He was certain that reason was the key to his time travel. 

"Now that you know the truth, are you going to tell me what's wrong?" Jia Er asked, seeing Jackson still in his thoughts. 

"I'm not sure if you can help me with your thirteen-year-old self... "

"Do you doubt my intellectual abilities and at the same time, yours? "

"No, that's not what I'm talking about. At thirteen, you're not as mature as you think you are, and fortunately... That's the advantage of old age and experience, you don't think the same way anymore...

"  
Tell me and we'll see if there's really anything I can do. Anyway, you have no other solution. "

"Anyone ever tell you you're stubborn? "

"Not as many times as you," he replied mischievously. 

"Touché! If you want to know everything, I returned to my present. "

"What do you mean? "

"For three weeks, I found myself back at home, in my life. 

"When?"

"Just before I asked you some weird questions. "

"But you didn't leave at all..."

"I know, and that's what intrigues me. Besides the fact that I've been going back and forth between past and present without knowing why. I'm confessing to you that I'm lost. "

"What happened when you came back to your present?"

"I woke up, three-quarters of an hour after I 'teleported' here."

" What did you tell your group? "

"Nothing. I thought I was really dreaming. "

"All right. And what happened before you came back here?"

"We were in the dressing rooms. We wanted to play a game, but I was very tired. When I agreed to please and then I was talking to Jaebum ... "

"Jaebum?"

"The leader. "

"What were you two discussing?"

"About... We were talking about me. I told him I was tired, that I felt like I was making a fool of myself. And he said... Something about confiding in him that I could talk to him too..."

"And then... "

"After... I was in front of you. "

He tilted his head slightly to the side, he had the unpleasant sensation of having forgotten something. One very important thing to keep in mind... But what is it?


	11. Conversation with my 13 years old self

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos. It's very important to me. It helps me a lot.
> 
> Except for his love life, the information about Jackson is true. 
> 
> Enjoy !

"Do you have a special connection with Jaebum? "Jia Er asked suddenly. 

"Special? What do you mean? "

"I don't know how to say... You know, sometimes you feel like you're kind of connected to the person. You don't need words to understand each other, you have the same idea at the same time, one look and you're on the same wavelength. An almost cosmic relationship."

"Not really... I like him very much and we have a really good time together. But I can say the same for the other six. I told you, we're all close. Why do you ask?"

"Just out of curiosity. I thought if it wasn't in the conversation, maybe it had something to do with the type of relationship. You were talking about confiding in Jaebum, I tried to see if there was a lead there." 

"If there was, why would I come back to see me when I was thirteen? I don't see how my meeting with you would have anything to do with my relationship with Jaebum. It's two different worlds. "

"I'm trying to find answers. I'm not the Master of Time. "

"No, it's Dr. Strange. "

"Who?"

"It's a reference that you don't know. Well, not yet."

"Did something happen, the year we turned 13? "

"No, not really. Maybe it was that year that I felt even more inclined to make music, but I'm not telling you anything, for the moment... "

"Do you think it has something to do with the music? "

"Perhaps... "

"I don't see what I could do better. You're a well-known idol in Korea and internationally. You managed to get your own label and make your own music. What could I do better than you? "

"I haven't achieved all of my goals yet. I want Team Wang, my label, to become iconic in China so that I can invest myself, once my musical career is over. I want to find young people with a lot of talent and help them train to become artists and promote Chinese culture abroad. And I want to perform at the National Stadium in Beijing. "

"You want me to do this before you? "

"No, I'm keeping busy, don't worry. Enjoy your youth. You're right, I don't think it's all about the music. "

"What about your love life? "

"What? My love life? "

"What's it like? Maybe that's where I need to do better than you. "

He hadn't thought of that at all. The question took him by surprise. He didn't know what to answer. It's true that his love life could have been better, and at the same time, he didn't really have a problem with it. He was far too busy elsewhere. 

"I have a few girlfriends but nothing serious enough to break his heart," he said. "I don't really have time for that, I'm constantly working. I tell myself that I'll take care of my love life and my family life once I'm no longer an idol and achieve all my goals. Plus, the agency doesn't want us to be with anyone. It's too much of a problem, especially with the fans. Usually, it never ends well either for the couple or for your career."

"Doesn't your agency want you to be with someone? What kind of agency is this? "

"The JYP, but that's true of all agencies. "

"Me, I like to be interested in girls and I especially like girls to be interested in me. "

"I know that... " he said, laughing. The hormones at that age were boiling but he would soon learn, as he grew up, to stop focusing on it as an obsession. 

"You really don't think you're here so I can change that? "

"No, I'd be really fucked if things were different. I wouldn't be able to concentrate on my music if I was in a relationship. And then hiding constantly, I'd end up getting screwed over. We're open books, everybody says so. And really I would make the girl miserable by not giving her time. " 

"I really don't see why you visit me. You're very satisfied with your life. "

He had come to the same conclusion and it was completely disappointing. He should have been happy that he was living the life he had always dreamed of, but in the current situation, it didn't suit him. He was starting to get a headache from trying to find an answer. Luckily, Jia Er kept him company, he would have gone crazy long ago, if it wasn't for him. The conversation had fallen into a silence that didn't please the teenager at all. He had to find something else to talk about, and quickly. 

"What's the name of your group? "

"Got7," he replied more by reflex. 

"Got7? That's a funny name."

" At first, we were going to be called Get7, but the other members and I didn't really agree on the name. So it became Got7 and we liked it a lot better. We kept the "get" idea in our presentation. Leader always says "Come and get it" before we announce ourselves as Got7. "

"I like it."

"I figured as much. It's "our" idea. "

"How clever! "he replied sarcastically. "Considering the name, I'm guessing there are seven of you?"

"Our agency specializes a bit in groups with numbers. "

"You told me about Mark the American, Bambam the Thai and Jaebum the leader. And the others ?"

"Youngjae is our ray of sunshine and one of our main vocal with Jaebum He has an incredible vocal power even though he's part of "maknae line", which means the youngest members of the band with Bambam, one of the rappers and Yugyeom, our dance machine. He won the "Hit Stage", a very famous dance show in Korea. Mark is older than Jaebum but being a foreigner, he couldn't become the leader and he's not a talkative person. It would have been complicated for him. "

"You're three foreigners and the other four are Koreans? "

"Yes, we're an international group. The seven of us speak English, Thai, Chinese, Cantonese, Korean, and Japanese. 

"Who's the seventh? You didn't tell me anything about him, not even his first name... "

"Park Jinyoung. "


	12. Conversation with my 13 years old self

"Park Jinyoung" repeated Jia Er, snapping his tongue against his puck.

The sound with which Jackson had pronounced it, reasoned in his ear like an incantation, making him want to reproduce the same magic with his mouth. The result obviously didn't have the same effect. The level of Korean sound was non-existent, but it wasn't just because of the tongue. Something in the tone of the voice itself was quite different. It was difficult to put words down at thirteen, he had to make do with feeling. 

"What's he doing in the band? Does he rap?"

"No, he sings. Rapping, that's what I do. "

"You're the third rapper? I thought we'd end up singing. "

"I'm starting more and more, but in the early days of Got7, there was a place to take, it was the rapper's place, so I took it. I didn't care as long as I was starting. And then at JYP, you learn to rap, you don't become a rapper for all that. "

"I don't get it. "

"For me, a rapper is someone who can freestyle or someone who plays with words with different degrees of meaning. When I work with my label, I write my songs, it's in English and I work hard on it, but I'm not a rapper. I don't have the speed and power of a guy like Eminem or G-Dragon."

"G-Dragon?"

" Shit! 2007, that's right, the Big Bang only released "Lies" last year. A rapper, a real one for a band you'll hear about pretty soon. " 

"You said you were starting to sing... "

"In Got7's latest album, I sing more. I'm starting to trust myself because I've had positive feedback on my own songs. Even if sometimes I don't dare and the other members push me to do it. The funny thing is that at the beginning I begged him to trust me. I wanted to prove that I could do it. "

"You begged him? Who did?"

"I meant I begged them. "

"You mentioned one person. Were you thinking of anyone in particular? "

"No, my tongue slipped." He defended himself when he saw that Jia Er didn't seem convinced. "Perhaps I was thinking of something... The time I begged Jinyoung for a week to let me sing part of a song he'd written. "

"And he let you? "

"Yes, but because I didn't give him a choice, even though, in front of the camera, he said he trusted me. "

"Actually, he doesn't trust you? "

" He thinks I'm going to make history with my music, with my own style so he trusts me. That's why I always encourage him because I know he believes in my words. If I constantly compliment him on his looks, his acting, his voice or his songs, he'll finally realize his true worth. I'm trying, but I know that he will make history. He was born to be a star. Someone who has to shine and show the way. " 

"Why do you think he said that to please you on camera? You support each other without the cameras. You trust each other completely. Why should his words be a lie, once the camera's on? It doesn't make sense. "

"You know you're very annoying in the relevance of your questions? I'm drowning the fish by giving you as much information as I can and you come to underline what I'm absolutely not interested in. "

"I know 'a little' about how you work. You do the same as I do, you spot the flaw in the other person's speech when he tries to focus your attention on something else. "

"Me, never! "He rebelled, but then had to admit defeat when Jia Er showed him his own face. "With you, that kind of talk doesn't work at all."

"That's the advantage of time travel... "

For a brief moment, Jackson had forgotten this reality, which came back to him violently in his face. And it must have shown on his face because Jia Er immediately moved on to another topic of conversation. 

"How long have you and Jinyoung known each other?" 

"He's the first person I met on my first day in Korea. "

"Your first meeting at the agency, was it him? 

"Outside of the staff, yes."

"And you knew you were going to be in the same group? "

"No. The funny thing is when we were trailed, we weren't really close because Jinyoung made sure to put a wall between him and the others. We were a whole group of young teenagers who were "trained" in singing, rap and dancing. No one knew if they'd get a chance to start. We had to practice over and over again. Evaluations took place every month. Some people came and went quite quickly, not everyone stayed. It was based on talent but also on progress. I arrived in July 2011 and Got7 started in January 2014. You see, it's been a long road to get here. "

"Must've been a big pressure on the evaluations? "

"Yes, because you could never be sure to stay and then you could get attached to people who could leave the following month. "

"With Mark and Bambam, you must have been close since you were strangers."

"Yes. I also met Mark, the first night I arrived. We hit it off since we spoke in English and not Korean. I used to talk to him a lot when we were in our common room and he listened to me. He would open his mouth just to ask me to turn off the light. It was in his character, he did the same with everyone. And Bambam was the little brother I didn't have. He looked like a baby, you just wanted to pinch his cheeks constantly. It was too much fun, Yugyeom is the younger of the two but he was so much older in size and his face was more mature than Bambam's face. We sometimes forgot he was so young. 

He smiled as he recounted all those details of their daily life when they hadn't even made their debut yet. He was filled with nostalgic joy at the evocation of all his precious memories. They had grown up, they had matured, they had fulfilled their dream and all this together. Because the group had been formed with these seven very different but complementary personalities, the path had been difficult but pleasant in many ways. He was very lucky to have come across them. 

"And Jaebum and Youngjae, what was it like the first time you saw them?"

"The first thing I said to Youngjae when I met him was "I heard you can sing high notes, go prove it! " "

Jia Er laughed. He recognized himself well in this kind of sentence, he would have said exactly the same thing to a new student with a reputation as a nerd. "I hear you've got great grades, go prove it! " 

"Come to think of it, poor thing. His first meeting with Bambam was already memorable. He found himself in front of Bambam, his hands behind his head, completely naked as he had just arrived. "

"But why was he naked? "Jia Er asked, exploding with laughter.

"Bambam had thought he was playing a joke on the older children, and he didn't expect Youngjae to show up. "Jackson laughed, too. "No one's as crazy as Bambam, or maybe Yugyeom and Bambam together are even crazier. They found each other well. No wonder they're best friends. It's like they share a brain for two."

"Are you and Jaebum the same? It's like you share the same brain? "

"It's not the same kind of relationship. It's different. He's kind of like a dad. There's something reassuring and paternal about him. He had a certain authority when we were younger. He used to get carried away very quickly, but now he's mellowed a lot. He's more like the quiet force of the group. He likes to have his moments of solitude, you don't want to overwhelm him too much. A book for a company is enough for him. By the way, why do you ask?" 

"Just like that... "

"Why don't I believe you? "

"Okay, I admit, I'm still trying to figure out if he's the reason you're here. "

"I have to confess something to you... I lied to you."


	13. Conversation with my 13 years old self

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going back to work tomorrow after two months of lockdown. I'll have less time to post every day. That's why I wrote a longer chapter. I hope you like it. I really enjoyed writing it.

"You lied to me? "

"In a way, yes."

"In a way, about what?"

"When I told you about my conversation with Jaebum. "

"You can stop the suspense and tell me straight. "

"He did say I could confide in him if I needed to, but he said something else. "

"What's that?"

"The problem is, I can't remember. No matter how hard I look, it's pitch black. But I know he told me something important."

"So maybe I'm not wrong... Maybe it has something to do with the missing piece of this conversation. Why did he tell you you could confide in him? "

"Because I wasn't feeling very well and he must have noticed that and because I was too vague, he tried to get me to talk. "

"Why weren't you feeling well?"

"Like I told you, I was tired and even though I finally convinced myself that it was just a dream, I had this strange feeling that something had changed, in spite of myself. "

"Where did that impression come from? "

"Of something stupid. "

"I don't think there's anything stupid about this whole story. "

It was very strange, Jia Er was acting and talking like an adult. He'd always been more mature than some of his classmates, but he didn't remember being so mature. He could have had this conversation with Mark, Jaebum or Jinyoung. And even though it was confusing, he needed to understand. The young boy returned this solidity in his questions that made him think in a certain way to hope to see answers. 

"I have... I thought I heard something, but I didn't. "

"What do you mean? "

"Before I beamed up the first time, I was in the dressing room talking about regret. And I thought..."

"You were talking about regret?" Jia Er suddenly became agitated. 

"Yes, why?"

" But maybe that's it. Maybe you have some regret, and that's what started it. "

"We've been over this. I like my life the way it is, I don't want to see it change. "

"Maybe you regret something but you don't know it? "

"Like something unconscious? "

"If you say so... "

"You didn't understand the word unconscious, did you? "

"It's not untrue. "

"It's the word to sum up, something that's present in us but we don't know it's there. "

"That's exactly right... Unconscious. "

"The problem is, if it's unconscious, I don't see how I'm going to figure it out. It's hidden inside me. "

"What if I keep asking you questions? Maybe it'll come from all the talking. "

"Basically, you're offering me therapy. "

"If that's the word. Yeah, you're in therapy. "

"Why not...It'll always cost me less than the psychologist. "

"Did you talk about regret with Jaebum? "

"No. Not at all. "

"Did you feel regret when he wanted you to confide in him?"

"No. That was not the topic of our discussion. "

"But maybe that's what you don't remember. You know, the missing part. "

"I don't feel that way. "

"Honestly, you're not helping me. "

"You're not a very patient psychologist."

"At the same time, I'm only thirteen. Besides, it's like you're trying to confuse everything. "

"What do you mean? "

"You're confusing everything. You talk about your conversation with Jaebum after you tell me about the dressing rooms before we first met, about regret. What's the connection between the two?"

"Because I needed to talk about what's been bothering me for the last three weeks. Even though I thought I had dreamed of being back in the past, this sentence haunted me constantly, as if to taunt me that I was going in the wrong direction. We had a real encounter." 

"What's that phrase to make it such a power over you?"

"I thought I heard, 'I am not you. " when I asked, "Why don't you have any regrets?"

"And why were you so unsettled? "

" It was very violent to hear it, and at that moment, I found myself with you. "

"So I'm right, it's a story of regret. "

"But why am I the only one who heard it? "

"Wouldn't be the weirdest thing that's happened to you in three weeks. "

"It's a pretty logical argument."

"Why were you talking about regret?"

"I don't know... I was lying on the couch, thinking, and all of a sudden, by an association of ideas, I came to wonder what the meaning of this life was, and I couldn't help but ask that question. "

"Who'd you ask? "

"Jinyoung" 

"And what did he say to you?"

" Something like " " Those choices that led me to this very moment where you ask me if I regret them? "

" Sounds like his words or were they exactly his words. "

"Those were his exact words. "

"And you asked him, "Why don't you regret anything?" "

"Yes, to continue the conversation. I was interested in knowing the answer.

" And it was also his voice when you thought you heard: "I'm not you? "

"Yes, but obviously I was wrong. He confirmed that he never said that."

"I think it's time..."

"Time for what?"

" To go home! "

He suddenly opened his eyes. He was in an unknown room, in an unknown bed, staring at an unknown ceiling. He wanted to get up, but a hand prevented him from doing so and forced him to lie down. Jaebum ordered him to "Stay still". "Mark, go get the others! "  
Mark executed himself immediately. The leader nodded his head to let him know not to worry, everything was fine. Jackson turned his head to his right and saw Jinyoung on the edge of the bed holding his hand. By analyzing the place in more detail, he knew where he was. He was in the hospital.   
Youngjae, Bambam and Yugyeom entered after Mark. They all settled down around him. As a reflex, when he saw their worried faces, he shook Jinyoung's hand a little harder. Jinyoung remained impassive, but his hand sent him a little more strength. 

"What am I doing here?" he asked, despite the dryness in his mouth, giving his voice an even more hoarse side. 

"You fell asleep on top of me," Jaebum explained. "I thought you were very tired, so I left you, but I realized that you had no reaction when I tried to lay you down. I tried to call you to wake you up but you didn't answer. And I understood that it was like last time... We checked that you weren't unconscious. But you didn't react either. This time, it was really not normal. We called 911. "

"The doctors gave you some tests. They didn't find anything. Nothing abnormal. " Mark added. "They said it's like you're in some kind of coma, but there's no evidence of that, neurologically speaking. They'll explain it better. "

"How long have I been like this? "

"Almost five hours. "Jinyoung replied. 

Five o'clock! Last time it was forty-five minutes. Something was going on, it wasn't normal. He couldn't waste time sleeping like that. And the fact that the doctors couldn't find anything was all the more distressing. There had to be a rational explanation. He remembered now. He had still dreamed of going back in time and having a conversation with his thirteen years old self. Only this time he wasn't so sure it was a dream. The first time, it was a plausible explanation, but he was beginning to seriously doubt it. The feeling of reality was too strong. Jia Er wasn't a dream, he'd actually met him.

"Jackson" called Youngjae softly. 

He smiled with all his strength. Now wasn't the time to falter, he had to reassure them. If he shows he's not disturbed, they'll do the same thing. Positive energy, that's all that mattered to get better. 

"It was a damn good nap. "he said with a laugh. 

Everyone smiled. Yugyeom came closer, instinctively, and hugged him tightly. 

"Hey! I'm not dead!" he whispered, making Yugyeom laugh, on the verge of tears. He got up and wiped his eyes. A little ashamed to be so vulnerable. 

"We're going to leave you. "suggested Mark, who wanted to protect Jackson and Yugyeom from too much emotion. "That's a lot of people, the nurses are gonna disagree..."

"Jinyoung and Jaebum, are you staying?" asked Bambam. "I'll come tomorrow morning with Yugyeom," he added when the other two nodded. 

"And I'll come with Mark tomorrow afternoon," Youngjae said. 

They left the room with an expression of affection like 'goodbye'. Jackson took it upon himself not to break down. He didn't deserve them He was far too lucky, and he wouldn't let them suffer any pain. Jaebum tried to take his mind off it. 

"Would you like something to drink? "

"I'll have a juice box, please. "

"I'll go get that for you! "

"Organic. "

"I know..." he said with a wink before leaving the room. 

He found himself alone with Jinyoung who hadn't said much since the beginning but his hand hadn't let go of him for a single second. It was his way of supporting him and helping him carry all his invisible worries. Feeling the pressure on his hand, Jackson smiled and said: 

"I'm okay. The doctors didn't find anything, which is a good sign, right? "

"I want you to do something," he said without answering his question. 

"What do you want me to do?"

"Not to pretend with me. If it's necessary to protect others because you feel guilty about hurting them, that's fine. But you must never hide from me how you really feel. Do you hear me, Seunah? I forbid it."

Jackson got up slowly, approached, and hugged him tightly by his neck with his arms. Jinyoung put both hands behind his back to give him his warmth. 

"I promise," Jackson whispered.


	14. Back to the Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy !!!

GOT 3+4ever Group 

Bambam:  
Hey everybody! What's up ? 

Mark:  
Hey! What are you doing up so early? 

Bambam:  
I haven't slept yet. 

Mark:  
I get it. Have you been partying?

Bambam:  
No, I just got back from Thailand.

Jaebum  
Were you supposed to go? 

Bambam  
No, but I got a last-minute proposal for a show with some very famous actors there. 

Yugyeom  
What's their name? 

Bambam  
Kirst, Singto, Gun, Off, Tay...

Yugyeom  
Their real name...

Bambam  
I already know mine, that's enough.

Yugyeom  
Hahaha

Bambam  
What are you doing? 

Youngjae  
Right now? 

Bambam  
Today. 

Youngjae  
It's Coco's bath day.

Mark  
I have to take Milo to the grooming. 

Jaebum  
Nora's not in great shape, so I'm gonna go to the vet. 

Bambam  
Do you have a life outside of your pets? 

Youngjae  
How dare you say that! You too, you're a family man. 

Bambam  
I know, but I wish we could have all met up, had a bite to eat and enjoyed ourselves after our comeback. This year, it was really intense. 

Jackson  
I'm available today. I'm going back to Hong Gong in two days. 

Jaebum  
Aren't you supposed to be resting? That's not what they say, doctors ?. 

Jackson  
I got out of the hospital a week ago. Staying home, I'm going to go crazy. 

Youngjae  
I don't think it's safe for you to go out. 

Jackson  
It's less dangerous for me to go out than to sleep. 

Yugyeom  
You'll get tired and need all your strength to travel. 

Jackson  
I feel great. Since my stay in the hospital for observation and the battery of tests they gave me, all my check-ups have come back positive. 

Jaebum  
I don't like the idea of you going out even if you feel like you're in shape. 

Jackson  
Hyung! Remember last time, I told you I felt tired and then I got sleepy. I don't have any symptoms. 

Mark  
I agree with Jaebum. You should limit your efforts. 

Bambam  
What if we find another way? 

Jaebum  
What do you mean? 

Bambam  
We're the ones going to see Jackson. That way he doesn't move around, but we all get to see each other. 

Youngjae  
That's a good idea. 

Jackson  
I don't mind, but I'm warning you, my place is a mess. 

Bambam  
You'll have time to clean up. Since everybody's got plans. I can be here by mid-afternoon if that's okay...

Yugyeom  
Same here. 

Jackson  
No worries, you're welcome. It'll be good to see you. 

Bambam  
Do you miss us so much? 

Jackson  
Let me remind you that you're the one who offered to organize something, all of us together, so you miss us. And that's not a question. 

Mark  
I'll meet you early this evening after I drop Milo off at home. 

Youngjae  
I'll be there, along with Bambam and Yugyeom. 

Jaebum  
Me, I don't know, depending on the vet, but I'll pass no matter what. 

Jackson  
Come when you can. We've got all night. I'm gonna go shopping for a real meal. 

Bambam  
Don't you want us to order? 

Jackson  
No, it'll keep me busy. 

Youngjae  
You must be really bored, you're not the type to cook for other people. 

Jackson  
Only for my loved ones... 

Yugyeom ( In English)  
So sweet !!! You're so cute !!!

Jackson  
Idiot! hahaha

Jinyoung  
Sorry to answer so late. For me, it's going to be impossible, I'm still shooting very late today. I couldn't be with you, but you'll tell me about it. 

Bambam  
How's your drama going?

Jinyoung  
The last three days have been very intense, but I think I'm doing okay. 

Yugyeom  
Are you more comfortable than the last one? 

Jinyoung  
I'm a little more confident with experience. 

Yugyeom  
Why didn't you accept a drama where you're the lead? 

Jinyoung  
Too much work. With the comeback, it would have been too hard to manage both schedules. With "He is psychometric", I shot during a period when we didn't have a comeback and it was a lot of work. I really couldn't have done both. 

Bambam  
And how are the other actors? 

Jinyoung  
Very professional. There is a good atmosphere. 

Jackson  
Compared to a GOT7 ambiance, what would you put them at, between 0 and 10? 

Jinyoung  
Hahahaha

Jackson  
Do you put your hand in front of your mouth?

Jinyoung  
Maybe... 

Jaebum  
Are actresses pretty? 

Jinyoung  
To your liking. 

Jaebum  
You don't know my tastes. 

Youngjae  
Big joke! 

Bambam  
We all know your tastes. 

Yugyeom  
We even make bets. 

Jaebum  
You're making bets behind my back? 

Mark  
Of course! 

Jaebum  
You too! 

Yugyeom  
It's even his idea with Jinyoung. 

Jaebum  
As Jackson would say: Sneakyyyy !!!

Youngjae  
No respect for you, Leader... 

Jaebum  
Stop laughing, you! It's even worse! I have to find a way to teach you a good lesson. 

Youngjae  
Whose? 

Jaebum  
To all of you, and you especially for making fun of me, too.

Bambam  
Do you have kissing scenes, Jinyoung?

Jinyoung  
You'll see...

Bambam  
Come on, tell us! 

Jinyoung  
Not like that, it'll make you look at him instead of pretending. 

Yugyeom  
Do you ever fall in love with your partner? 

Jinyoung  
You know it's fiction, right? It's not real. 

Yugyeom  
Yeah, but, I mean, that would be possible since you're supposed to be developing feelings. In order to play them, you have to feel them... You wouldn't be the first time that fiction has overtaken reality. It would be normal, spending so much time together, having physical contact, having to act as if your love for each other was growing in your heart...

Jackson raised his head slowly, very slowly. He blinked because the light was dazzling him. Suddenly, the room lost some of its luminosity. Jia Er was hiding the sun from him. 

He was back again.


	15. Back to the Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm late and I'm only doing one chapter over the weekend.

"Maybe he lied to you... "said Jia Er, just as he looked up.

What was he talking about? Two weeks had passed, he couldn't remember their conversation at all before he left. He was totally lost, but not only because he couldn't remember, but also because he really didn't understand why he kept going back and forth between these two worlds. And he still didn't know what was causing the change. He was in his apartment, starting to tidy up before Bambam, Yugyeom and Youngjae arrived. At the same time, he was checking the messages on their "Got 3+4ever" conversation. He was talking about Jinyoung's drama, he had no doubt about it. Bambam had asked if he had any kissing scenes. Jinyoung had refused to answer to force him to watch his drama. And then, after that, nothing. Did he fall asleep again when he was in good shape? Or was his memory playing tricks on him again? Why did some of his memories keep fading? What was the last thing he talked about with Jia Er? Regret! He was sure of it. He told him he heard a voice saying, "I'm not you." 

"Jia Er calls to the moon! Jackson, you're not with me again! "

He had told him that he thought he heard Jinyoung's voice give this answer to the question "Why don't you have any regrets" but his friend had explained to him that it wasn't him. So Jia Er ordered him to go home. He remembered that now. 

"Actually, it's you! "

"It's me what?"

"You're the one who sent me back to the future. "

"What do you mean? "

"When you said, 'It's time to go home!'"

"I never said that! "

"Don't lie! You're the one who controls my returns in the future. "

"What are you talking about? You were telling me you thought you heard Jinyoung say "I'm not you." And all of a sudden you think I'm the one controlling your travels in the future. Wait a minute... You're back again? "

"Yes, for two weeks. "

"Yet you stayed with me like last time. "

"Why are you making me come back? "

"I'm telling you it wasn't me!"

"You said... " Jackson got angry, jumping out of bed. 

"I know! I know! " got angry Jia Er. " But if that's like your "I'm not you" that Jinyoung would've said, it proves your brain controls your movements in time. "

The kid had just scored a point, which directly calmed him down. Anger gave way to incomprehension. Why was his brain doing this to him? And since when did he have the power to teleport? Or did it all happen in his head as soon as he went into a coma? The doctors explained he was in a deep sleep, but his brain activity was intact. It was even working a little harder than usual. So Jia Er was a figment of his imagination? Yes, but no! It couldn't be. Everything in their conversation made sense. In our dreams, there were improbable, surreal things, even if they seemed very normal. Apart from being confronted with his double teenager, their conversation was perfectly credible, no inconsistencies. And this feeling of connection between them couldn't just be his imagination. By asking himself so many questions, he would go completely crazy and stay locked up in his head for eternity. No! He couldn't think that way! Positive! Positive thoughts... Everything was going to be alright. He had to keep his faith. 

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Jia Er asked softly, for fear of bringing out the beast.

"What do you want to know?" Jackson replied calmly, sitting down again 

"What you want to tell me..."

"I'm awake in the hospital. "he said, expecting the boy to react, but he was just waiting for the rest. "Jaebum immediately asked me to be quiet while he sent Mark to get the others. He kept calm, but the way he spoke to Mark, I knew something had happened. I didn't know where I was, I looked around and realized that Jinyoung was next to me. I realized that "the others" were the younger ones and that I was in the hospital. "

"What did it feel like?"

"Incomprehension, on the spot and then worry when I saw Youngjae, Bambam and Yugyeom coming because they were the ones having the hardest time hiding their emotion "

"And how did the other three react? "

"Mark was watching the reaction of the younger kids, I think he didn't want me to be more upset if I saw them crack. Jinyoung was impassive but I avoided looking him in the eye because they would have told me everything that was going on inside him. And Jaebum protected himself behind his leadership role. He told me everything. I fell asleep on top of him, he wanted to lie down and my lack of reaction alerted him. Seeing that I was unconscious, this time they called 911. "

"Weren't you unconscious last time? "

"No, I was reacting by being asleep. Something changed, but I don't know why... Jaebum went on to say that the doctors considered me in a coma even though the tests showed nothing abnormal. "

"And that made you feel better? "

"A little..."

"Just a little? "

"I asked him how long I'd been like this... And he said it had been five hours. "

"Five hours! That's more than last time... Do you think time is getting longer in your present while it remains constant here?"

"I don't know. But given the difference between the two, it's quite possible. "

"But how is that possible?"

"Jia Er, I'm as lost as you are," Jackson replied desperately. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize what I was saying. And what happened next? "

"Seeing that I was a little shocked by the news, Yugyeom came over and gave me a big hug. And that's when I realized that while the situation was worrying for me, it was completely distressing for them. So I tried to make them smile again. "

"Is that what you do, every time? "

"What do you mean? "

"You're trying to make them smile even though you're the one who's not well? "

"Yeah, I do that a lot. "

"As am I. Why are you doing this? "

"And you, why do you do it? "

"That's what I'm trying to find out. It's like it's stronger than me. I thought maybe when I grew up, I'd understand why I was acting like that. And you're standing in front of me at 26, so it's time to know by asking yourself. "

"I was doing this because I wanted people to forget their worries, I wanted to make them happy so we could all be happy. I think I wanted to make myself indispensable, to be needed, and to matter to others, to the point that they would miss me if I wasn't around. "

"That's exactly right, but I didn't know how to express it. I always want them to think it's sad without me. "

"You just want to exist and have a place in this world and for that, you need others to give it to you. "

"Yes, that's exactly right."

"Except that it's exhausting to always be the one to carry everything, everything that's heavy for others and lighten their load by making them laugh. It's exhausting to constantly make people think that all you have to do is smile to forget everything. "

"Yes, it's true... " Jia Er realized as he sat down beside Jackson, quietly as if he was singing him a lullaby so he could come to sleep.

"And the risk of giving importance to others is to forget ourselves because we also have to carry the burden of our own existence. "

"How do you keep going? "

"I've learned to wear less for others and to protect myself a little more. I have tried to show something else about myself, a more vulnerable part of me so that people will take me more seriously when I can't have any energy left because I gave too much. And also to remind them that I'm a human being, not a happiness machine. "

"When I get to do this? "

"Many years from now. When you experience things so strong that you have no choice but to bring them out and show that it has become too heavy to play this character. And some remarks... will force you to make this change but your main motivation will be your desire to become credible in music. It will make you a better person by thinking more about yourself and your well-being." 

"And did you show the band how you really felt when you were in the hospital?" 

He'd just been set up.


	16. Back to the Future

"And did you show the group how you really felt when you were in the hospital?" 

He smiled because he didn't know what to say. He could lie to him. Jia Er would never know, and that way, he'd get rid of some questions that were too intimate, too sensitive. It would've been the easy way out, but from the beginning of this adventure, nothing was simple. He'd never been one to run away from obstacles. On the contrary, he relied on his ability to get up from any situation and confront his fears. (Except for insects, heights, sensational rides, lizards, fireworks, children making funny faces, confetti) He didn't know if Jia Er had an idea in mind, but he was ready to follow him and see where all this conversation would lead him even if he got lost. 

"I didn't have much of a chance. Mark got everyone out, only Jinyoung and Jaebum were left."

All right. He'd changed the truth slightly, except for a few details. Maybe he wasn't as brave as he thought he was. 

"And what would you have done if they'd all stayed? "

"I would have pretended. " 

"Why? I thought it was exhausting playing a role that you're not?"

"Because I love them. " 

This sentence came out of his mouth with the utmost sincerity. He hadn't even thought about it. It was deep inside him, and he had just brought it out into the open. The obvious never stayed in the dark. 

"I sincerely think we have an incredible chance to meet someone extraordinary," he said." Well, I've met seven. It's a miracle. And I'd do anything not to be the center of their concerns, even if it means jeopardizing all my progress. I'm willing to carry the world on my shoulders if that's what it takes to save them from suffering because of me. "

"Maybe they'd like to carry you for once? "

"Sure, but I won't let them. I would pretend to accept but I would walk on my own two legs without them realizing that they don't have the strength anymore. "

"What if you lose your balance or fall to your knees?"

"I'll just keep crawling. "

"Why can't you stand it that they take care of you?"

Several seconds of silence passed. He looked at his feet and tried to express things as he felt them. He tried several sentence formulations but was not satisfied. Not all of his ideas were at the heart of his refusal to let his friends be afraid for him. He stopped thinking. It was enough to open his mouth and wait...

"Because I don't deserve it. "

Emotion overwhelmed him. He bit his lip as hard as he could, clinging to his duvet so as not to let tears invade him. He had to repress them. He could do it. All he had to do was put all his strength into it. This sentence was banal and harmless, everyone used it. And he was like everybody else. It was just words. Just words. Meaningless words, disappearing in time and space the moment they were spoken. "Words becoming ghosts of the past, losing their substance in the present, forgotten in the future." He repeated this sentence, again and again like a litany. He was able to look at Jia Er again, without risk. 

"Why did Jinyoung and Jaebum stay with you? "

He thanked the young boy in his head for changing the subject. He didn't know if it was a coincidence or if he had noticed the state the conversation was putting him in. 

"They all agreed to take turns and stay with me. The next day, Mark, Yugyeom, Youngjae and Bambam visited me. "

"Did the two of them feel guilty? "

"Who?"

"Jinyoung and Jaebum. They were with you the first time and the second time you "fell asleep". 

" I hadn't thought about it. Maybe they... I should have told them it wasn't their fault. I was so confused that I don't remember much about that night. "

"You're having a lot of memory loss right now. "

"I know, but this was different. I was really out of it because of the five hours I slept. The only thing I remember clearly is my conversation with Jinyoung. "

"What did you guys talk about?" 

"The show I couldn't make. He told me not to worry, everyone understood very well. They tried to reassure the fans while they took me to the emergency room. "

"They did the show anyway? "

"They couldn't help but they left very quickly after the performance. Jinyoung told me that they had never done the choreography so perfectly and so quickly. That way, they could meet me at the hospital. He also told me that JB had kept a cool head the whole time they were waiting to hear from the doctors. I'm not surprised. He's a real leader. Mark was the quiet force for Youngjae, Bambam and Yugyeom. They've never seen them so quiet, they barely spoke. "

"And Jinyoung, how did he react?"

"I don't know. He didn't say anything about him. "

"And you didn't ask him? "

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I haven't thought about it. "

How is that possible since he told you about everyone? "

"He didn't give me time to really think about it. He moved on to something else. "

"If it really mattered to you, you could've made sure you didn't give him a choice. Because you actually thought about it, but you were fine with him not giving you a chance to talk about it. " 

"I couldn't help it. The risk of not keeping my promise was too great. "

"What promise? "

"The one I made for him. "

"I remind you that I wasn't with you. I don't know what you're talking about. "

"He asked me not to pretend with him, not to hide from him how I really felt."

"Why did he ask you that? "

"Because he knows me. He has this ability to analyze others."

"You're still gonna show him a strong Jackson to keep him from worrying about you, aren't you? "

"If I do that, I'm breaking my promise. "

"You can't pretend everything's okay and keep your promise."

"I wouldn't lie to him. I know it's gonna be okay. "

"How can you be so sure? "

"Because as long as he's with me, I'll have the strength to be really okay. "

"You're betting on one person to be okay? " 

"I don't bet it on one person. It's an addition. "

"What the hell does that mean? "

"It means that a relationship is always two people. He's Park Jinyoung and I'm Jackson Wang. Because it's him, because it's me, I'm willing to bet on it. "


	17. Conversation with my 13 years old self

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry !!!!!! Sorry for taking so long to post. To forgive me, here are two chapters in a row.

Jia Er stared at him without saying anything. Jackson didn't know exactly what was going on in his head. He didn't show anything on his face. He was obviously thinking, but no emotion gave any indication of what he would say next. Maybe he hadn't understood the complexity of his relationship with Jinyoung. That would be normal. It would take years to get to that point where he could trust someone else. And at thirteen, in terms of human relations, we finally had little experience and little point of comparison. He would know when he would meet his GOT7s and Park Jinyoung. It was all a blur, but the future was going to shed some light on what he was going to say. To really understand things, you sometimes had to live them.

"Your relationship seems to be... ..." he began, looking for the right word.

"Deep? "Jackson suggested.

"Is that the word you'd use? "

"Depends on how I want to describe it. I can use a lot of qualifiers because this relationship doesn't just have one face. "

"Yet that was the first word you thought of. "

"Because that's how I described it many years ago. I wanted the fans to understand how important it was, much more than what we saw on the surface. Jinyoung and I weren't just laughing and getting along in front of the camera, we were really close. He allowed me to be that part of me that I was hiding when the red light on the camera came on. With him, I had the right to be worried, to feel bad, to not be on top, to be in trouble. I could afford to be serious. We were talking about... We talked a lot together about everything that was going on in our heads. We understood each other and we helped each other."

"Why did you need to say it? "

"So that the Aghases, which is the name of our fans, have a different image of me, but above all that they also see that I wouldn't have been able to overcome certain things if Jinyoung hadn't been there. "

"You, did you know that wasn't the most important thing?"

"I wanted the fans to see him the way I saw him because he's the real Jinyoung and not the one they think he is. "

"Why did you care so much? "

"When you're surrounded by the wonderful, you have only one desire: to show it and tell it to the whole world. That's why social networks are so successful. "

"Was that the case with the others too? You show them as they really are."

"I try because I've always been able to rely on them and they've all helped me in one way or another. With their different personalities, they've all brought something to me and I want the IGot7 to know that. "

"How would you describe your relationship with each of them? "

"Why do you ask? "

"Because I'm curious about them. "

"Don't you think that might influence the way you'll be with each of them in the future?"

"I don't think..."

"You'll have the image that you've created for yourself and it's bound to affect the way you are. "

"Don't you think with all the things you've told me, things are going to change a little bit? Are we really down to a few details? "

"Seen from this angle... I don't know what I could tell you."

"Tell me what you want. Anecdotes, for example, that shows me a few of their personalities and how you guys are together. "

"First thing you should know: Never trust Youngjae." ordered Jackson, who had no idea, two seconds before. "You're gonna get screwed. Everyone sees it as a ray of sunshine, but behind the light, the devil is hiding. We did a show called "Hard Carry." Each member had another member as a target to catch. I helped him, I did everything I could and he betrayed me, in the worst way..."

"He sold you out to the person was going to catch you?"

"Worse! He made me pay for his Shabu Shabu. He told me he was going to the toilet and in fact, he left quietly and I waited for him and it took me a long time before I realized I was all alone. He left me the check, you can imagine. "

Jia Er laughed at Jackson's expression of resentment at the mention of this memory. He looked traumatized even though he was laughing at the same time.

"Our parents are right, you should never trust easily. And remember, Choi Youngjae is not human," he added.

"I bet you keep reminding him... "

"At the slightest opportunity. I fell for his smile. He's so cute, everyone's taking care of him like he's the new kid on the block. Even Bambam and Yugyeom are adorable with him. Apart from that betrayal of Shabu Shabu, I like taking care of him. He's really nice, you can tell. We have the impression that, apart from us, he could be fooled if we don't take care of him. He allows himself to betray us on the shows because it's just a game. In reality, you just want him to be happy because he's a good person. He can comfort me with his smile and his laugh that is so loud but so warm. "

"You sound like a stuffed animal when you talk about it. "

"It looks just like Youngjae before the Shabu Shabu incident, I always wanted to cuddle him. "

"And no more? "

"I'll do it to him even if he doesn't deserve it. "

"Funny for someone who tells me not to trust him, that's the first one you've told me about."

"Who says relationships are simple? "

"Do you take care of Bambam and Yugyeom so much?"

"Strangely less. Because between us, it's not the same. When they're just the two of them together, it's like they're living in another universe. This universe would be a giant amusement park where you would spend your days having fun, laughing, or inventing the most improbable games. Obviously it is recommended to be as noisy as possible. I sometimes come to join their world and we are very creative, the three of us together. But they go so far that I can't always keep up with them. "

"Actually, they're kids. "

"Yes, but in a good way. When they have to be serious, they know how to be serious especially for work, but as soon as they can, they escape from reality. I realize that I am in the middle of the "Hyung line" and the "Maknae line". "

"What do you mean? "

"In age, it's Jinyoung who's in the middle, but in state of mind, it's me. On the one hand, Mark, JB and Jinyoung are quite calm, they can talk about a lot of serious subjects, they need to have their moment, all by themselves even we are all together. And on the other hand, you have Bambam, Youngjae and Yugyeom who are very noisy, who are always having fun and they are always with someone from the band. And me, I'm a mixture. I love to have fun but I also need to talk about serious things. "

"That's an advantage, isn't it? You understand them all that way. And you find your place in a group like in any other. "

He never thought of it like that. He'd always thought he was nowhere. Too noisy for the 'Hyung line', too serious for the 'Maknae line'. Even though he hadn't changed the essence of his personality, his attitude was different from when they started. He had felt this feeling of bewilderment more strongly when he had begun to assume his serious side a little. He no longer corresponded to the funny and joyful image that was expected of him, the one he relied on to please. Paradoxically, this very positive aura had brought him a lot of negative remarks. Now that he was behaving the way he really was, he was seeing comments that regretted the old Jackson. He continued to take responsibility for himself even though he was no longer sure what people expected of him. It was enough to drive him crazy. His change had at least had a positive impact on the dynamics of the group. By no longer playing that role over and over again, he had allowed others to take more space and reveal themselves differently. In one way or another, each of them had changed the look of the group. Growing up, they had all in their own way moved the lines, deconstructing to better rebuild Got7, day after day, month after month, year after year. Got7 was a living entity to which it belonged, body and soul.

"Are you still thinking about why you're here?" Jia Er asked.

"No," replied Jackson, surprised by the question. "I was thinking about us. "

"We"? "

" Got7"

"What exactly were you thinking?

"How everyone is a part of this group and the influence we have on each other. All it takes is for one of us to change a little bit and it changes the look of the group. "

"Is that a bad thing? "

"I don't think you can call things good or bad in this purely human context. We do what we can. I think that's the case for people in general. Conclusion: It's not easy to be human. "

"You're talking to a teenage boy... "

"Sorry, I didn't realize I was going too far in my "philosophical" thinking.

"No, what I meant to say is that in adolescence, there's nothing easy and even more so when it comes to others. You don't understand anything. When we were kids, all we had to do was play together to be friends. As a teenager, we sometimes pretend to be so that no one hates us. "

"It's true. I'd forgotten that feeling. I thought I'd never had a problem with other people. I got along with everyone. "

"It is. It's just that you don't remember that you sometimes pretended to like it but deep down you were also worried that you weren't doing the right thing. "

"And I still feel it, now, as an adult. "

"You said it yourself, it's not easy being human. "

"But I didn't say that if you're well accompanied, it lightens the weight of the questions on your shoulders. "

"Then why are you still worried about doing wrong? "


	18. Conversation with my 13 years old self

"Then why are you still worried about doing wrong? "

Every time, he was being set up. He blew as he scratched his head. Did he really have the answer? He must have. Did he want to look for it? Not really. Was it better to dodge the subject? Definitely. Given Jia Er's intelligence, it would be difficult to subtly slip into another topic of conversation. He couldn't escape her eyes, full of sweetness that scrutinized him insistently. 

"I'm afraid of doing wrong because... I don't want to hurt anyone. "

"What makes you think you can hurt people? "

"Because it's normal, to do it without realizing it. "

"If you don't realize it, why can't people forgive you. "

"Because they don't know it wasn't voluntary. "

"That means it's people you don't know. "

"Not necessarily. "

"Your loved ones may think you're purposely hurting them? "

"No, they know it's not my purpose but sometimes, caught in a misunderstanding, they may think that"

"And wouldn't they come to you if they had a problem with you? "

"Not always. "

"In that case, it's not your fault they can't talk and say if there's something wrong with you, right? "

"Yes, surely..."

"You can't guess their thoughts. "

"No, of course not. "

"As I understand it. People you care about can get hurt because they didn't tell you you did wrong. And if they came to you to discuss it, how would you react?"

"I'd listen to them, and I'd give my side of the story. "And I'll try to make sure that I don't do the same thing again. "

"And your problem would be solved. So you have no real reason to be afraid of doing wrong. "

Things had gone too fast for his brain but he had heard the conclusion and it seemed to him to be unstoppable logic. How could this idea that had haunted him for years have been swept away with a simple wave of the hand? How could it have disappeared so suddenly, so disconcertingly? Why couldn't he apply that logic when he was thirteen? That was the question he suddenly asked Jia Er: 

"Why don't you follow your own advice? "

"Because that's not why I'm here. "

"What do you mean? "

"It's not the right time yet. "

"For what?"

"To explain. "

"Explain what?"

"I just told you. It's not time yet. It might change everything. "

"You mean our future? "

"Something of that nature. "

"But you told me we're a few details down. "

"Yes, in your own sense. When the information comes from you to me but the other way around is far too dangerous. "

"Which means you know things I don't? "

"Normal. Just like you, you know things I don't. "

"Because I'm from the future. But you are my past. I know all about you."

"Not really. "

"What do you mean? "

"Some things are hidden deep inside me and you've buried them so deep that you're not aware of them anymore. "

"These things have nothing to do with my life in the present. "

"Somehow they're connected. The present pulls the strings of the past to build its future. "

"You talk too cryptic, you sound like Yoda. "

"Do you think I'm some kind of master? "

"When I was thirteen, I wasn't like that. "

"But I'm not really you. I'm just a part of you."

"Part of me?"

"Exactly. I'm the part of the puzzle from the time you were born at thirteen. You're a sum of all your parts until you're twenty-six years old. "

"You're confusing me. "

"On the contrary, I'm trying to make you understand that you think you know everything about yourself, but you don't. Just as you forgot that you were pretending with others when you were thirteen, you have forgotten many details of every other day of your life since you were born. "

"Why doesn't it work like it used to?"

"What do you mean, it doesn't? "

"I feel like you're different. You're not the same. You're dragging me into something I'm less and less comfortable with. I've had that feeling for a few minutes. You're pushing me over the edge, aren't you? "

"Jackson, you're the one who's different. You're saying things I don't understand. "

"No! No! Don't reverse the roles. I know Jia Er, and you're not him anymore. You've become something else. What's the big deal? "

"I don't have any problems. You brought this on yourself. "

"I didn't ask for anything! "

"Of course, you do!"

"I want to go home." 

"You're not going anywhere until you have settled everything. "

"Settled what?" Jackson yelled.

"Why don't you regret anything? Because I'm not you. "

"What?"

"You know it, deep down inside. I'm the Tic Toc of time. And if you don't find the key, it'll be too late. "

"Too late for what?"

"To go home! " shouted Jia Er. 

He opened his eyes violently. The light was blinding. He felt like he'd spent years in a dungeon, completely in the dark, and suddenly he was released. He gesticulated his arms in all directions, but an IV was stuck in his arm. He looked around, but he wasn't in the hospital. He was in his room in his apartment. The only difference from the last time, he was in his bed. He tried to call to see if anyone was there, but his voice was very difficult to get out. He had to cough several times to regain some of his clarity. He didn't have time to try again, the door opened. When Jaebum saw him awake, he rushed to his bedside. 

"How do you feel? "

"It's all right... "he says, trying to say it as loud as he can. 

"Do you want a drink? "

He nodded his head and Jaebum poured water into a glass using the carafe on the bedside table, which was unusual. Jaebum helped him up and brought the glass to his lips. He drank slowly but managed to finish. 

"You want some more? "

"No... "

Jaebum put the glass down and Jackson felt as if he was avoiding his gaze. He put his hand on his arm so that the Leader finally decided to turn his attention to him. 

"How long? "

He was right. JB dreaded this question long before the famous "What happened? "To Jackson, it wasn't the most important thing. It was all about time. "I'm the Tic Toc of time. And if you don't find the key, it'll be too late. "He stuck his fingernails into his friend's flesh, but Jaebum let him, but he didn't react. 

"Six days. " he finally answered.


	19. Back to the Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you wil like it...

Six days. Six days in the dark. Six fucking days in the dark. No matter how many times he said it, it didn't change anything. He couldn't process the information. It was too violent, too aggressive. It destroyed his insides at the same time it was eating his brain. He had to tighten the grip of his fingers on Jaebum's arm because Jaebum was finally reacting. He took Jackson's hand and gently pulled it away, but he didn't let go. Jackson wanted to get up, but he soon ran out of strength. His friend helped him to lie down. He looked at him, probably waiting for Jackson to say something. And that was normal, but at that moment, he couldn't speak for fear of knowing more. He was terribly afraid of the truth and wasn't sure he could control it. What if it pushed him so far that he finally lost it? He would run away. Given his physical condition, it was just impossible, but he really felt the need to physically get away from the whirlwind. He was dreaming of someplace else. He couldn't stand the situation, which was getting worse and worse. Except that he didn't have time to feel sorry for himself, he was going to have to confront the events if he wanted to get out of hell. 

"Are you all alone? " 

It was a weird first question, but it seemed less scary to her to start with that. He felt safer going that way. His voice was still raspy. It would probably take a few days before it returned to normal. 

"For now, yes. Jinyoung should be here soon. "

"Why are you here? "

"Is that a real question? "

"No, but it's the only one my brain's ever been willing to ask you. "

"I'm the one who took care of you today. We take turns every day and every night."

"Why aren't I in the hospital? "

"We took you on the first day but the doctors said it was like last time so there was nothing they could do. "

"They didn't find anything? "

"Nothing. When in doubt, we preferred to have someone with you at all times in case your condition suddenly changes and you needed to be taken away urgently. "

"How did you get organized with your schedules?"

"Only you can think of that," Jaebum laughed. "We've managed, the agency obviously knows about it. They've made it so we can have some free time. "

"Why didn't you get someone to watch over me? "

"What would you have done if it had been one of us? "

"I would have been there..."

"You have your answer. "

"What about my parents? Do they know?"

"No, they would have come if they'd known. We wanted to wait a week before we told them. The doctors said you were gonna wake up and we didn't want to worry them. The agency just told them you were sick and too exhausted to tell them, but they didn't need to make the trip. "

"You've done well. "

"We figured you were gonna say that. "

"I think I'm ready... "

"What are you ready for?"

"To find out what happened. "

"Do you remember we were supposed to come to see you in the evening? "

"Yes, I remember it very well. I was tidying up the apartment before Bambam, Yugyeom and Youngjae came. I'd read your messages and then all of a sudden, nothing... "

"We kept talking and then, at some point, Bambam, you asked for something. You didn't answer, we thought you must be busy, but after two hours we still had no answer. Jinyoung immediately asked Bambam and Yugyeom to go to your apartment. He suspected something was wrong but he couldn't leave his filming. They arrived and rang several times and you didn't answer. Everyone was worried. Mark joined them quickly since he has a copy of your keys. They found you unconscious on the floor. And then they took you to the hospital. "

Jackson was silent. He was trying to analyze what happened. He didn't realize he'd lost consciousness. Like last time, he felt a little tired, but he didn't think it was a sign of fainting. He was really starting to lose his sense of what he should believe. Maybe he really had a health problem, but he wasn't convinced by this idea. He tried to gather his thoughts together so he wouldn't scatter, so he wouldn't think the worst. 

"The doctors said that I had nothing? "

"They've done some tests on you, but they can't find an explanation for your condition. To them, it's a mystery. "

"Because I'm not sick. "

"You seem very sure of yourself. "

"Because I am. "

"Do you have any idea what's happening to you? "

Jackson looked him in the eye. He knew the risk, he knew he couldn't turn back, and the truth would come out as madness. He measured the consequences, he didn't ignore them but his instinct was to open his mouth and say:

"I go back to the past. "

At Jaebum's reaction, he knew that he couldn't have been surprised even if he told him that he had given birth to a beautiful baby. 

"You go back to the past? "

"When I fall asleep, I find myself in my room at my parents' house."

"You're starting to worry me..." 

" And I'm talking to the "I" of my thirteen years. "

"I think this whole situation's making you a little out of your mind. "

" I'm serious. "

" You need maybe to see a psychologist. " 

"Jaebum! "he ordered, "I'm not crazy. I'll tell you what's going on for me. Either you're ready to listen to me or you get out of this room. "

He didn't think he'd react this violently. He felt terribly guilty talking to her that way. He had rarely behaved like that, but he really needed him. He was on the edge, he could tip over at any moment and someone had to catch him. And he had enough confidence in his leader to give him the role, but the leader had to accept the role without discussing the conditions. Nodding his head, JB made him understand that he had heard the message. He would be there for him.

"I don't know why I'm coming back to this period. I try to understand with Jia Er, but every time, it's a dead end. I feel there's a reason I'm leaving and a reason I'm coming back. I can't identify them, it's too blurry. To help me, Jia Er makes me talk about us... "

"About Got7? "

"Yes, he thinks there's a connection but I feel like the noose is closing around me without any more clues. "

"Why does he think it has something to do with us? "

"Because I'm with you, every time it happens to me."

"Last time you were alone in your apartment. "

"But I was with you by message. "

"Do you think there's something wrong with us? "

"No, you're one of the best things that have ever happened to me. "

"Maybe it's about the music? You work too hard and your brain warns you about it. You don't take enough care of yourself. Between our comebacks and your solo career, you never stop. "

"I hadn't thought of it like that... "

"That's why you sleep so much, you need to recuperate. "

"But I'm young and that's what youth is for: to fulfill your dreams. "

"You've been asking yourself that for years now. Maybe this is a warning to listen to your body. "

"Except I can't give up on my career goals. "

"You don't have to accomplish everything in record time. You have to give yourself more time. "

"You know I like it. You know I can't live without the adrenaline that goes through me every day because I do what I love. "

"I'm not telling you to stop everything but just don't keep wearing yourself out. "

"You don't understand... "

"All you'd have to do is just do less. "

"I can't! And you know that because you feel the same way. We all feel the need to get high at work. We're all addicted. "

"I'm not trying to have two careers at the same time. "

"You've always trusted me to succeed, why did you change your mind? And Jinyoung is also pursuing his acting career in parallel. "

"I trust you, but I've been watching you overwork for a long time and it's time I told you, as a leader but above all as a friend. And Jinyoung didn't end up in hospital twice in one month. "

"You really don't understand anything. "

"No, you're the one who doesn't get it, Jackson. " Jaebum got angry. "You're not the one who thought we were going to lose you. It was us. Us six! And we're gonna stop that from happening. "

"What's going on? "asked Jinyoung who had just entered the room.


	20. Back to the Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for kudos and comments. It's really important for me !!!!!

"What's going on? "asked Jinyoung who had just entered the room. 

Seeing Jackson awake, he stopped dead in his tracks. Several seconds passed before he realized he wasn't dreaming. He rushed up, climbed on the bed, and... he didn't move. He had wanted to hold him, but it was too premature. The young rapper must have been weak and couldn't stand the force of his embrace. He gently put his hand on Jackson's cheek and said with a big smile:

"You're finally awake. "

Jackson nodded his head as he pressed his cheek against the warmth of Jinyoung's hand. 

"Try to talk to him," Jaebum intervened. "You're the only one he listens to."

He left the room, leaving them both. Jinyoung stared at him until the door closed. He then turned to Jackson but didn't ask him any questions about what had just happened. Jackson knew it was temporary. Jinyoung wasn't the type to let things pass.

"How are you feeling? "

"Not too bad. I slept like Sleeping Beauty, all I needed was a kiss. "

"Jackson! Don't forget your promise. "

"I haven't forgotten. I just wanted to play it down. "

"She's that dramatic? "

"If I don't answer, am I betraying my promise? "

Jinyoung nodded his head, his hand was now resting on Jackson's thigh and tapping it to encourage him to tell the truth. 

"I'm physically exhausted, I feel like I haven't slept in six days. Which is the complete opposite."

"Jaebum told you? "

"Yes, he told me everything. The fact that I didn't check in, you sent Bambam and Yugyeom, Mark came to the rescue, I was unconscious, the hospital, the tests, the doctors who couldn't find anything, back in my room and six days of sleep."

"Are you even more tired than the last one? "

"Ironically, yes."

"What happened before Yugyeom, Bambam and Mark arrived?"

"As I told JB, I was cleaning the apartment and reading your messages... I wasn't feeling particularly tired and then I don't know, I just suddenly wasn't there. "

"Did you feel like you were losing consciousness? "

"No, I don't feel anything, every time. "

"Do you feel dizzy or lightheaded before that? "

"I'm sure I wouldn't, otherwise I would have gone to a doctor. "

Jinyoung wanted to reassure him, he could see it in his eyes, but like Jackson, he couldn't understand. And he didn't know what to say to make sure he was good support. If he had been him, Jackson would have the exact same thing. They'd always been honest with each other, rarely hiding their feelings. Jinyoung wasn't beating around the bush, and that's what he did, again:

"I don't know what to tell you. I would like to have the answers, I would like to help you... I wonder what I can do while the doctors are in the dark. That's what's been the hardest, the last six days: impotence. Aside from hoping and waiting, there was nothing we could do. And now that you're back with us, I still have this unbearable feeling that I'm useless. And it's a position that none of us are used to, we always know what to do or we are accompanied by people who know it for us. I'm not sure that my speech is appropriate, you would need to hear something positive but I'm unable to find the right words. And that's another thing I'm not good at right now. This is the first time since we've gotten close that I'm not up to it." 

"Jinyoungie" called Jackson as he tried to get up with the strength of his arms. "You found the right words, you don't make up false speeches to make me feel better. You tell me exactly what you're thinking in a safe and solid way, that's all I need. The only thing I've always asked you to do is to be you. And stop saying you're not up to it. You are and you always have been, just by being there. "

Jinyoung smiles at him. He was supposed to reassure Jackson and the opposite was happening. He felt even worse, but he forgot to feel sorry for himself when he saw Jackson's arms trembling under the weight of the effort. He approached and forced him to lie down, gently grabbing his neck and accompanying him. Jackson grabbed his arm even though he didn't have much strength.

"I want you to promise me something in return. "

"What?"

"I want you to promise me that you will never doubt yourself again. "

"It's not the first time you've asked me that. I could never keep that promise. 

"This time it's different. I want you never to doubt again what you bring to me in every moment of my life. You can question your voice, your acting, your looks, the life you lead, your relationship with everyone else in the world, but... never question your existence with me. Is that understood? "

Jinyoung looked at him and nodded. At that moment, the words refused to formulate themselves in his head and make their way to his mouth to finally free them. He thought it was probably due to fatigue. He had slept very little because of the filming of his drama and the nights monitoring Jackson's health. 

"You have to promise me! "he said, holding out his pinkie in his right hand.

"Promised," confirmed Jinyoung, completing the missing part with the pinkie of his own right hand. 

They remained in this manner for several tens of seconds, without saying a word. Jackson finally put his hand on the bed, but he kept Jinyoung's finger stuck with his own. 

"Do you think it's my fault? "he asked. 

"What do you mean, your fault? "

"You think I was too hungry and life decided to make me pay for it? "

"Seunie, what are you talking about? "

"Maybe I'm asking too much. Maybe I should have just stuck with my career with Got7 and gone solo later, once we were "Idols Has Been." Maybe that's what got me into this state. Maybe that's what my body or the past is trying to make me understand".

"Who put an idea like that in your head? "

"No one, I was just thinking. "   
Seeing him look away, the younger one realized that he was lying to him. It didn't take him long to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. It was not for nothing that he was considered the brain of the group, the one with the best ability to analyze others, to understand them. 

"What exactly did Jaebum tell you? "

"Nothing... "

"Jackson! "

No Seunie, no Seunah. He had better not hide the truth from him, because he would get to know it by going straight to Jaebum and asking him. Jackson didn't want him to go and reprimand their leader, he preferred to explain it to him. 

"He just told me that I should slow down, that I was getting tired of trying to have two careers at the same time, that maybe I should take more time to get things done. And I didn't agree because I know that's not the problem. I know it's something else. But Jaebum didn't believe me. And when he saw that I wouldn't give up, he got angry that it was you six and not me who thought you were going to lose me. "

"He said that? "

"Yes..."

"Jaebum, Jaebum, Jaebum," Jinyoung breathed as he rolled his eyes. "He's changed since we started, but when he cares about people too much, his true nature reappears. He told you this because he's trying to find a solution so he doesn't feel useless. He wasn't angry with you, he was mostly angry with himself. He must think he's a bad leader and a bad friend for letting you handle things like that. He feels responsible because... it's in his personality. He feels like he has to carry everything for us and our health is part of it. "

"As much as I knew all this, I couldn't help but wonder if he wasn't right. If I wasn't abusing myself by functioning like this and that's what I needed to change to get back to normal. "

" You are talking like if you know what's wrong. "

"I know what's wrong. "

"What do you mean? "

"I know why I fall asleep, but I don't know why I fall asleep."

"You're confusing me. I don't get it. Do you know why you're sick? "

"I'm not sick. "

"How do you know that?"

"Because, uh... Because, uh... "

In view of Jaebum's reaction, he hesitated to tell him what was really going on. 

"Jinyoung, you'll think I'm crazy but... "

He suddenly found himself in front of Jia Er in his bedroom in Hong Gong, who warned him. 

"If you tell him, you can say 'goodbye' to your future. " "

He blinked his eyes and found himself, once again, facing Jinyoung who was patiently waiting for the next step. Jackson rose abruptly from the shock and anguish, trying to understand what had just happened. He had beamed away for two seconds without closing his eyes this time. He looked around in fear of leaving his room again. Jinyoung realized something was happening. He shook Jackson's arm slightly to focus on him, but he was somewhere else. 

"Seunie! " called Jinyoung softly. 

Jackson didn't answer. He squeezed his arm harder to make him react. Jinyoung began to worry and raised his voice to make himself heard: 

"Seunah! "

No answer. 

"Jackson! " he shouted.

At last, Jackson laid his eyes upon him, and when he really saw him, this time he threw himself upon him. He didn't let go, clinging to his mother like a baby koala bear. The young singer didn't understand what had just happened. His only certainty was the earthquake he was holding in his arms. Jackson was in a complete panic. Jinyoung brought him even closer together to serve as a vessel for his anguish. He squeezed him tight, very tight because he could also feel the weakness of this body that could let go at any moment. To prevent Jackson from feeling his own nervousness, he began to sing softly and then louder and louder until he reached an emotional level that freed him from his own anxieties. His voice went through Jackson's body to reach his heart and stayed there. Eventually, he fell asleep.


	21. Back to the Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you forget my story, I understand hahaha

When he woke up suddenly, he immediately looked for his whereabouts. It had become a reflex. His heart went straight into a frenzy. Despite the darkness, he soon realized he was in his apartment. He breathed with relief. He hadn't gone back in time. Now he remembered throwing himself around Jinyoung's neck in overwhelming anguish. He remembered the incomparable comfort of his friend's arms and the presence of his body against him. And most of all, he remembered his voice singing so powerfully that it had managed to soothe him. He must have fallen asleep at that moment. He turned his head to the side, Jinyoung was sleeping soundly at his side. Both hands intertwined, resting close to his face. He must have been watching him all night before falling asleep. Jackson felt violently guilty for putting him through such a situation while he was turning his drama. Why didn't he just concentrate on his work? Why was he so present for himself when others could take over for him without any problem? Jackson would have preferred that he focus on his acting career rather than his role as a caretaker. Jackson lengthened, getting closer while leaving a space between them. He watched him sleep peacefully, his chest lifted in rhythm and he loved the music it produced. He thought the sound of his breath was one of the most beautiful melodies he had ever heard. Like his neighbor, he intertwined his hands right next to his face. Jackson reached out his hand to release a strand of hair that was beginning to fall in front of the youngest's perfect face. Lulled by the beauty of this world, he managed to fall asleep again. He opened his eyes a few hours later after daylight had appeared. Jinyoung was no longer in his bed. The anxiety returned, but he immediately recovered. He had no right to monopolize him, just to take away his fears. He had a career and a life to lead. Someone knocked on the door and Youngjae walked in a few seconds later. His smile lit up the room and Jackson's heart. 

"It's good to see you awake," he said 

"It's good to see you, too" 

Jackson waited until he sat down to hug him. He had always liked to hug the members of his band, he had always been very tactile but this time was really different. He thought they'd never see them again. Youngjae passed his hand behind his back from the bottom to the top to show him that he was especially touched by this mark of affection. 

"You're the one who's on duty? "Jackson asked ironically. 

"Being with you is never a chore. "

"Are you trying to make up for Shabu Shabu again? "

Youngjae burst out laughing as he walked away. It was good to hear it Jackson lay back, he'd recovered a little, but he didn't have much energy yet. He continued to hold Youngjae's hand, he wouldn't let go of it for fear of falling asleep again. 

"When did Jinyoung leave?"

"Before eight o'clock. He'll be back tomorrow. Today's a long day of filming "

"I'm going to send him a message telling him not to come back and get some rest. "

"Good luck! "

"For what?"

"To convince him. You think we haven't tried. Mark and Jaebum told him over and over that he'd be notified immediately if your situation changed and we didn't absolutely need him. He nodded his head as if he agreed, and then he would come back every time. I thought he and Jaebum would end up fighting like the story of the vertical and horizontal mattresses. "

" Except the Chinese student wasn't there to intervene, separate them, and force them to make peace. Rather, he was at the origin of the conflict, this time," Jackson replied, trying to put a little humor into the situation. 

Youngjae didn't know exactly what to say, he shook his friend's hand while keeping a smile on his lips to keep the tears at bay. 

"Is Jaebum still angry? "

"No, why would he be angry? "

"Yesterday, he came out of the room, a little pissed off. "

"Why?"

"Let's just say I haven't been very reasonable. "

"He told us you were awake, and this morning he didn't say anything specific. He just told us, again and again, to make sure you get some rest. By the way, I forgot to tell you that Mark and Bambam will be stopping by this afternoon. "

"He didn't say anything else? "

"No, what happened? "

"Nothing. We just didn't agree on why I'm in this condition. "

"Do you want me to talk to him?"

"No, he wasn't totally wrong, even if it was violent to hear him say it." 

"You know, Jaebum takes his leadership role very seriously. He makes himself responsible for a lot of things. "

"What's happening to me is not his fault. "

"And it's not yours, either. "

"I'm thinking more and more that maybe it is. "

"What do you mean? "

"I think my past is trying to prevent me from having a future. "

"I don't get it. "

"There's something out there, and at the same time, I feel it's inside of me. It's very weird. The solution is somewhere but I can't figure out if he is just a figment of my imagination or if it's all real. "

"Who are you talking about? "asked Youngjae who was completely lost but really wanted to help. 

"I can't say it, he forbade me to say it "

"Why did he forbid you? "

"Because he does what he wants. He has total control over time and space and me. I'm like a puppet, a pawn at the mercy of his whims. I thought he was a good person, but in the end I was wrong... "

He felt that he was getting tired, he didn't want to close his eyes for fear of what might happen when he opened them again. He grabbed Youngjae's hand a little more and asked: 

"Don't leave me! "

"I'm not going anywhere. "

"I don't want to go back. "

"You're with me, don't worry. You can rest. "

"Youngjae... I'm scared "

"I won't let you down, I promise. "

He closed his eyes and prayed hard not to go back to the past. He repeated the same ritornello like a magic spell, hoping to ward off the evil spell. After a few minutes, he was fast asleep. As promised, Youngjae didn't let go of his hand until he woke up. From then on, each of them had to hold his hand so he wouldn't worry about falling asleep. A week later, he and Youngjae met at the same time on a park bench. Jackson was able to go outside for some fresh air, he had enough strength for a short walk. Youngjae had never seen him so happy about something that would have been harmless under other circumstances. 

"How are you feeling? 

"Better... "

"It shows..."

"I needed to get out of the apartment. I was going crazy. "

"You can't stand being locked up. "

"I like to be at home but I need to get out once in a while. You and Jinyoung love your home too much. "

"I lived a long time with my brother. The house was the easiest place to see each other and I kept this habit even though he is married now. "

"It must be weird for you to live alone. "

"I think it's a matter of habit. You, too, have learned to live alone."

"It's not the same, I used to move and live in different places. I didn't stay so long in our shared dormitory. I left quickly compared to others. "  
"Me too."

"Yes, but you, it was to live with your brother. Instead of seven in the apartment, there were two of you and suddenly you were all alone. I was quickly alone. "

"You don't spend a lot of time in your apartment because of the time you spend in China and during our comebacks, we barely have time to rest. "

"Maybe that's why I like being out there so much because I don't have time to invest it. It looks like a hotel room but bigger. "

"Do you think, one day, you'll go back to China for good? "

Jackson was surprised by the question. He had never before discussed the subject with the other members of his group. As long as he was still in Got7 and active, he wouldn't plan anything until he had put an end to their story. It was strange that Youngjae suddenly asked him that question. 

"I don't know yet. I need to see what my life will be like when Got7 is taken out of entertainment. I want to set up my own agency in China, I'm sure of it. But will I keep distant contact with Korea? I have no idea and I don't really want to think about it. "

"Are you scared of it? "

"What?"

"The end of the seven of us."

"I can hardly imagine it, can you?"

"The same. You've been with me for so long and we've been through so much together, I don't want to think too much about that future without you. "

"A future without you." Did he even have a future? Reality's staring him right in the face. With everything that's happened lately, he wasn't sure he even had a tomorrow. Ever since he woke up, he lived every second as if it were his last. He enjoyed everyone's presence as much as he could. For a few minutes with Youngjae, he had forgotten that sword of Damocles that he lived with. He approached his friend and grabbed it by the arm. 

"Youngjae? "

"Yes?" replied the young man, slightly surprised by this sudden approach. Something was going on in Jackson's mind.

"I want you to know that I care about you very much. And even though the story of Shabu Shabu has become one of my favorite references, I loved spending every minute... "

"Jackson, you're talking to me like I'm never gonna see you again. "

"Of course you're gonna see me again. I don't tell you often enough how important you are to me."

"You can tell me when you get better, okay?"

"But that might be too late. "

"You're scaring me. Do you need an ambulance? "

"No, I assure you it's fine. Don't panic. I take it back. Forget it! Let's just pretend everything's okay. "

"I'm sorry, I'm not good at this. Mark, Jaebum and Jinyoung can handle this kind of situation. "explained Youngjae after a few minutes of silence. 

"Jaebum, it depends. He ended up yelling at me last time. "

"That's true, but he usually manages to keep his cool and calm. Let's just say that Mark and Jinyoung were able to handle this particular situation. "

"Mark is a comforting listener, but if you need to have supportive words, he'll find them, but you can tell he's not very comfortable. "

"Jinyoung is the one who best handled the situation," Youngjae concluded. 

"I agree. He's always been able to do it," Jackson repeated. "No one's as good as he is, he's the best... "

He felt himself slipping before he even realized it, as if his body had become a marshmallow, his skeleton having suddenly disappeared. It was a nice feeling, without really being conscious. Things had happened without him and he didn't necessarily ask to be an actor. He let himself go, without trying to defend himself. He wanted to touch the ground, to feel it all over his body, but that never happened. He was back to his upright position in the blink of an eye, facing Jia Er.


	22. Conversation with my 13 years old self

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your kudos and comments. I'm so happy ! I will answer soon, I post the next chapter before. Enjoy !!

Jia Er realized that Jackson was still out there. He wished he could have read his mind to understand what was troubling him so much. He didn't understand what was happening to him when Jackson jumped on top of him, pinned him against his bed, and grabbed him by the collar to hold him underneath, gradually tightening his grip on his windpipe. 

"Who are you? "he shouted.

"What are you talking about? "

"Who are you? "he shouted even louder. 

"You're hurting me! "

"Don't make me repeat myself. "

"I'm Jia Er! "

"Liar! "

"Let go of me! "

"Until you tell me the truth! "

"Jackson, you're choking me..."

"For the last time, who are you? " 

"Jackson! Please! Please... ple..ase. "

Tears came up to his eyes and streamed abundantly down his cheeks. He thought for several seconds that he was going to die, killed by his future. Jackson's eyes opened wide as he realized what he was doing. He released his embrace, gradually letting oxygen into Jia Er's lungs. He coughed and tried to catch his breath. He continued to cry and his body trembled from the lack of air and especially from the fear. Jackson stepped aside to give him more space and time to regain his strength. He whispered an "I'm sorry" as he sat down beside him. Jia Er got up slowly, his breath began to return to its rhythm, but his body was still expressing spasms that had been difficult to calm down because of the sobs. When Jackson saw him in this state, he tried to come closer, but Jia Er staggered out of bed and moved as far away from the room as possible, trying to protect herself. 

"Don't... come near me! "he ordered. "Who are you? "

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to... I just..."

"Why did you do this to me? "

"Because of what you told me. " said Jackson. 

"Because of what I said? "

"You know that very well. "

"No, I don't know! We talked about a lot of things! How would you like me to guess what you're so angry about?"

"Stop pretending!"

"Is it because I told you not to be afraid to hurt things?" "

"Do you really think that's what this is about? "

"That's the last thing we talked about..."

"No, it's not the last thing we talked about. "

Jia Er looked at him incomprehensibly. Of course, it was the last thing they discussed before Jackson jumped down his throat without explanation. Was he hallucinating a conversation between them again? His future was losing his mind, that's why he'd had this crazy reaction. He couldn't trust him, he could become dangerous at any moment. He had to find a way out of this room. He wasn't sufficiently recovered from his emotions to think properly. He needed to come to his senses and to do that he needed to buy some time. The solution was to pretend he wanted to know more. It would allow him to calm himself down by focusing on something and keep the possibility of another attack from Jackson. 

"Tell me," he ordered.

"It was all mixed up... " the young rapper replied. 

"In your head? "

"In what you were saying. You were talking about the past, the future, the connection between the two, what I knew about you that I don't really know, what you knew about me, what was hidden inside of me, what I'd forgotten, and you talked about time."

"Time? "

"I'm the Tic Tac of time. And if you don't find the key, it'll be too late. "

"What the hell does that mean? "

"That's the last thing you said to me before you sent me home. "

"I didn't say anything and I didn't send you home!!! It's all in your head !!! "

"No. I'm sure you had something to do with this. " 

"Why did you attack me?"

"Because I thought you were a threat, I had to get rid of you."

"And why didn't you go through with it? "

"I saw in your eyes that I was doing something stupid. And I was leading me to my own death. "

"You see? You know, deep down inside, I had nothing to do with this. "

"It's not that simple. "

"What do you mean? "

"I can't explain it, but you're the key that fits in the lock to introduce Alice to the world of Wonders. "

"Except it's up to you to look for the key so it's not too late. If I was that key, you'd have already found me so there shouldn't be a problem, but you're still here. "

He was quite proud of the pertinence of his thinking. He noticed that he had just scored a point in Jackson's eyes. He still didn't feel safe with him, but the conversation was becoming interesting, and he had managed to regain his inner calm. He was going to be able to make a plan to escape. 

"You're the white rabbit but you don't know it yourself," Jackson corrected.

How could he not know he was the white rabbit? What the hell did that even mean? He knew the reference of the metaphor, but in their current situation, he couldn't see what role he was playing and what Jackson understood about that role. He wanted to ask him the question but something was stopping him. An invisible force was forcing him to keep his lips sealed and forbidding him to go in that direction. A red neon light sign announced: Danger. Maybe he was already in danger. 

"You're different," Jia Er remarked. "You're not the same."

"Time is running out for me. I don't have a second to lose, or a whole year could pass. "

"I can't keep up with you. "

"Every time I come back here, our time together gets shorter but in my true temporality, the time I'm away getting longer."

"You're back in your Present again? "

"Yes, that's why I know that the next time I go back, it may be more than a week. And I'm gonna end up disappearing from my world if I don't find the fucking key. "

He was surprised to hear the word "fucking". He had pronounced it in an icy tone that sent a shiver down Jia Er's spine. He also had this anger in him. Although he was always full of joy and good humor, he also had this rather impressive aspect where it was better not to provoke him. Jia Er knew that he would keep this side of his personality as he got older if it turned out that Jackson was really his future. " 

"And this time, do you know why you came back? "

"As usual, no, but this time I felt like I was leaving. It wasn't brutally like the previous times, it was very smooth. I didn't even have the will to resist as if it had become familiar and known, so it wasn't scary anymore. "

"Did you feel like coming back?"

"Subconsciously, yes."

"Why?"

"To destroy you. "

"You don't tell me everything. You wouldn't be so angry with me if it was just because I was responsible for your travels. You'd have tried to kill me before, and it's not just this key thing. There's something else. "

"When I was back in my apartment, I tried to get help and I wanted to reveal the truth but you forbade me to reveal it at the risk of not having a future. "

"How could I do that when I was here, 12 years before? "

"You haven't moved. For a second, I came back. "

"And why should I forbid you to reveal the truth? At worst, people would think you were crazy. I have nothing to gain from this story, it's you who came to me. "

"That's why I'm convinced you're the white rabbit. But until I figured it out, it was all your fault."

"Would you believe me now if I said I was on your side?"

"You won't always be. "

"Why?"

"Because you're not just me, at the age of thirteen. You're something else, you're the Tic Tac of time and that thing is completely unpredictable. "

"I am like the host of an invisible force," he says without even thinking about those words. 

" That's it. And she's the one controlling this whole thing."


	23. Conversation with my 13 years old self

Jackson sensed he'd just put his finger on something important. He couldn't have described it in words, it was just a certainty that had taken hold of him so he wouldn't be dislodged again. He relaxed a little. His whole body was under tension from the moment he attacked Jia Er. He wasn't used to getting himself into such a state. Anger, fear, and aggression had invaded his body so violently that he felt it was no longer his own. All of his emotions had pushed him into his own depths to the point of turning him into a monster, ready to give death. He would have continued to give in to his impulses without remorse if Jia Er hadn't begged him. He still had the look in his head. He was someone in despair, seeing the poor thirteen years of his life passing by, convinced that he would not see his fourteenth year. He hadn't had the strength to defend himself against a twenty-six-year-old adult with the same facial features. The fight was lost. There was only one chance left: to make Jackson come to his senses by begging him. And that's when he had the trigger. He was nothing like the teenager who had threatened to take his future away from him if he went against his will. He had pulled himself together in time. Now he had to find that key or his past, present, and future would make him disappear for good. This "invisible force", as Jia Er had called it, was determined to win the game, but unlike his teenage self, he was going to fight to the end even if the whole thing would end in a knockout. He got up and started thinking aloud while pacing around the room:

"I've got to get that key, I'm sure it's connected to why I'm here. To save myself, I have to find that reason. It has to do with regret. I know it has nothing to do with music. It's not because of my family either, because my distance is the biggest consequence of my desire to make music. Did I hurt someone without realizing it? It's possible, but in that case, it's going to be complicated if I don't know that I've hurt that person. No, I think it's something much more obvious."

"You know you're talking to yourself? "said Jia Er.

"Not since you're here. "

"You do the questions and answers by yourself. I wouldn't be here, it would be the same. "

"I need to think this way to find answers, but you can intervene whenever you want. "

"All right. Go on then... "

"What do you think? "

"Finally you ask my opinion. You don't know what you want. "

"Try to adapt. I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm completely lost, so forgive me if this is going all over the place. "

"I also think it's something you know deep down inside. If you hurt someone and you didn't know it, you're doomed. "

"Thank you for reassuring me. "

"If there's a key, there must be a way out."

"Maybe it's because of a lie? Maybe I lied and I hurt someone in the process. "

"Can you lie? "

"As much as you. "

"That's what I thought... So you're a terrible liar. "

"Why are you "me"?"

"I'm "you", but in a smarter version, that's why you met me."

"Can you still be funny when we're in the middle of a desperate situation? "

"Concretely "I" will be in a desperate situation in twelve years, so I have time to see it coming and prepare for it. In the meantime, I'm trying to lighten the mood for "YOUR" well. "

"It's not wrong..."

"Have you ever betrayed anyone? "

"No."

"Steal from someone? "

"No, I've never flown. Not even a piece of candy. "

"Kill someone? "

"Almost, but that was you earlier. "

"How can you be funny when we're in the middle of a desperate situation? "

"Because in reality, it wasn't humor, it was the truth. "

"It's not wrong... "

"Why do all the questions have to be about someone? "

"I don't know, you're the one who went off on hurting someone without knowing it, so I just went on. Do you think this is about someone? "

"I can't think of anything else I regret. One of my greatest fears, if you take away all the ones I mentioned before, is not being able to show the people around me how much I care about them or that they don't know the importance of their existence in my life. "

"Do our parents know? "

"As soon as I can reassure them, I will. I've never made a secret of my love for them. On the contrary, at twenty-six years old, sometimes they think it's too much even though I know they like my signs of affection. "

"What about your friends? "

"Same. I have no problem proving to them that I need them. "

"What about your band? "

"Even more than my friends. They know how important they are. It's not like me not to express how I feel about others. I think we're going in the wrong direction. "

"We have to try every path to find out which one is the right one. "

"Except I don't have time to test them all. "

"We don't really have a choice, it's the only way to make sure we haven't forgotten any aspect of your life that might be the answer. What else scares you about other people? "

"I don't know... Losing them."

"Why would you lose them if you always show your love for them? "

"I'm afraid I'll lose them if they die."

"Except that you can't help it, so you can't have any regrets about it. "

"Yes, but I tell myself that maybe I don't do enough, I don't give them enough support or help or listen to them when they need it. "

"You feel like you're not there for them enough. "

"I'm always busy, I never stop. That's why I use words to compensate for what I can't give them in physical presence. I'm constantly on the move. "

"Maybe you regret not spending enough time with them. That would make sense. "

"Maybe that's it... "

" Can you think of anyone in particular? "

"I would say everyone around me. "

"What would you have to do to change that? "

Jackson tried to think about it, but he didn't like any of the answers. If he were to give more time to his relatives, it would necessarily imply a change in the way he managed his career. And he wasn't ready to change that, he had put too much energy and time into slowing down, he wanted to reach his thirty-five-year-old goals. But if he didn't change, it meant no more dreams at all because he wouldn't be there to achieve them. He was at an impasse. He really loved the people around him, but he was selfish enough for his passion. He felt guilty for behaving like that, at the same time, he knew that it would be him that he would make unhappy if he was going to put his deepest desire after others. 

"I don't know," he finally replied. "I don't want to give up music," he says. 

"You don't have to give up music. You can just invest yourself in something different. "

"I realize that I can't do it. I can think about it all the way through, but just the thought of not spending so much time on it makes me feel very bad. It's as if a void inside me is growing and I don't want that void. "

"Even if you continue your career with Got7? "

"Musically, Got7 is not forever."

"Yeah, but you could continue your solo career after Got7... "

"No."

"You haven't even thought about it. "

"I've been thinking about it for a week. "

"What do you mean? "

"You're not the only one who offered me this deal. Jaebum got angry even at me because of that and I was desperate, not because I hurt his feelings but because I'm not at all considering putting my solo career on hold. "

"Why? You set these goals, you can change them, you can change the date..."

"It's not because of the goals, really. "

"What's this all about?"

"Because of the music itself. To stop would be to shut me up. And if I shut up, I die. "


	24. Conversation with my 13 years old self

"You're not going to die if you continue with Got7," Jia Er tried to argue. 

"In Got7, I don't really have a say in the matter. It's Jaebum who composes a lot, sometimes Youngjae or Jinyoung, some songs are from Yugyeom. Mark, Bambam, and me, we have very few songs in the albums. I think my style is very particular and doesn't fit the image of Got7. When I work with my label, I manage everything so I can really reveal myself. I have the right to be who I am, without pretense. I put everything I feel, everything I want to tell in my solo songs. And that's what I lose if I only devote myself to GOT7. I don't see myself leaving them, I need our band to recharge my batteries and find the strength to make my own music. "

"To make history. "

"Exactly. "

"You've always wanted to make history, haven't you? "

"It's the only way to become immortal. "

"And Jinyoung really believes it. He's convinced you're going to make it..."

It wasn't a question, it was a statement. Jackson was surprised by the intonation used, he had told the boy that Jinyoung really believed in him. This later was sure that Jackson could have a historic role in the music industry. Jia Er was just repeating what he had heard, but he felt that something was different. He didn't know if he liked the change in tone. Was it a precursor to a neutral conversation or a conversation that had all the characteristics of a slippery slope? He hesitated to ask him, but he didn't do so. He preferred to deny this duality and settled for neutral conversation, even if it meant falling into a bottomless pit later on.

"I hope so as much as he believes... " 

"Does he believe because you hope for it or do you hope for it because he believes? "

His intuition screamed at him not to continue in this direction, but he did not listen. In all the choices of his life up to now, he had blindly followed his instincts, questioning his decisions once he was in the situation but he had never ignored it.

"Good question. A little bit of both, I think. "

"Didn't one take precedence over the other? "

"I don't think... "

Jackson bit his lip. Something was beginning to emerge. Something known but not yet defined enough to identify it properly. It's as if a weight was pressing down on his chest, squeezing him a little more every second. His breath became a little more jerky, a little less rhythmic, preventing him from seeing and thinking clearly. He tried to stay focused on the conversation. 

"Are you sure?" Jia Er asked.

"It's my dream, not Jinyoung's. "

"Of course it's your dream."

"Then why all the questions? "

"Like this..."

The answers didn't match anymore. No, it wasn't going to happen again. He felt like his hands and feet were tied, he couldn't run away, couldn't look away or jump down Jia Er's throat again. He knew that deep down inside it was too risky, and then this invisible force kept him away from his own adolescent body.

"You're changing, aren't you? "he asked, without hope of an answer, full of truth. 

"Changing? "

"Jia Er is starting to disappear to be replaced by you?"

"I am Jia Er."

"No, you're not totally him anymore. I can tell the difference now. "

"You're wrong, I didn't leave my body. I'm the one you're looking for. "

"You see? Weird things are coming out of your mouth. Jia Er was completely present with me, until when? When did you appear? "

"Jackson, you're starting to scare me again. "

"Were you there, lurking in the shadows, waiting for the right moment to take possession of Jia Er? "

"Jackson, stop or I'm coming out! "

"You can't get out, just like me, I can't move. We're locked in this time loop and you know that because you created it, right? "

"You accuse me of being someone else, but I have no proof that you're not changing too. "

"I've never been anyone else from the beginning while you... You're the Tic Tac of time, you're the reason I have to find the key. "

"I'm not the Tic Tac of time, I'm Jia ER. "

"If you're really him then why all these questions about Jinyoung? "

"I told you, I'm trying to help you find the key. "

"I won't be fooled twice. "

"Why are you getting yourself in such a state? Why are you angry? Is it because of him?"

"Don't bring him into this conversation, it's got nothing to do with it. This is about you and me! "

The weight was getting heavier and heavier. He didn't want it to devour him from the inside, he wanted to breathe. The pain was also pressing, but he had to keep the conversation going to find out as much as possible about what had taken possession of him and return to his life, the one that awaited him, twelve years later. 

"Are you sure about that? Think about it, focus and you'll see that this whole thing isn't just about you and me, it's about us."

"I knew it! You're something else! "

"We've been talking to each other for a while now and you don't see what's right in front of your eyes when I'm just a 13-year-old kid and I'm not that blind. "

"I'm not blind... "he said, bending in half. 

"Tell me what brings you here."

" I don't know. "

"You don't know or you don't want to see it? "

"Shut up! "he shouted, clinging to the edge of the bed because of the pain. 

"Jackson, listen to me, you have to tell me... You'll finally be free at last, you'll finally be able to breathe. "

"How do you know I can't breathe? "

"Because I'm you, remember? We are twins, we are connected by an invisible thread, everything I do and everything you do are just actions in the time universe but somehow they influence each other. Nothing is linear in this life, everything is repetition. And to stop that repetition, you need the key. It's inside you. But the only way to get it is to get it out. "

"How? "

"You must finally be attuned to yourself. "

"I don't get it! "

"Because you don't want to understand it. " 

"I don't want to understand it?! But it's my life that's at stake, damn it!!! "

"So think! You just have to concentrate and the answer will appear. What brings you here?"

"I really don't know... "he said, closing his eyes to hold back the tears of pain in his heart. 

"You can do this. You can do it, just like you can make history. "

"I can't breathe..."

"That's what's been weighing on you for so long."

"No, it's something else. "

"You have to solve the riddle if you want it to go away. "

"I want it to stop. "

"You want to make history! "

"I don't give a shit about making history! I want the pain to stop, I want you to disappear. I want to go home ! "

"For that, you have to understand what I'm saying. "

He slipped on the ground, holding on with the strength of his left arm, the right arm holding his chest. Very quickly, he could no longer carry himself, he lay down and cowered in the position of the fetus. He could hardly hear Jia Er's voice anymore. It was in the background, inaudible. Only a few words had any meaning left. "Seek" "In front of you" "Don't forget" "You" "Just you" "He's not far away. " He couldn't hear a thing. It was too late. He was leaving. The last image that popped into his head was...

Jinyoung was running down an endless corridor. He was out of breath and redoubled his efforts. His thighs were burning, but he wouldn't listen to his body. It no longer had a say. He zigzagged between several people, not even perceiving their faces, nor their screams as he brushed past them. When would he reach the end of this tunnel? When would he finally know? Sweat was dripping down his temple and forehead, stinging his eyes, but he didn't even move to remove it. Seeing several people stagnating in the same place, he knew that he would have preferred to keep running down that corridor after all. At that moment, everything was still possible. When Mark saw him arrive, he nodded his head and JB turned around. There were all five of them there but he concentrated only on the leader. 

"Where is he? "he asked without even taking a breath. What's the point? His breath was gone by the time the phone call came in. 

"In resuscitation," Jaebum answered, his voice shaking.

The Earth had just opened in two, swallowing him alive.


	25. Back to the futur

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry !!! Sorryyyy !! I wrote nothing because I was in holidays and I lacked inspiration. If you forget my story, it's my fault. I hope to always have readers despite my lack of attendance.

He opened his eyes gently, his eyelids blinked several times. He stared at the ceiling for several minutes before reporting what he was looking at. He tried to turn his head but felt a sharp pain in the back of his neck. What had happened? His body seemed to be paralyzed, he couldn't move it. He tried to move his hand but it refused to obey him. And so did the rest of his body. He had no idea where he was based only on the ceiling. He made another attempt to move his head but the result was the same. A sharp pain went through his skull to his toes. He closed his eyes and went back to sleep, very quickly. When he woke up, he was relieved to be able to feel his feet regain their mobility. Perhaps his body would gradually wake up. He fell asleep again. He felt a hand in his hand, she held him tight enough so that he could not get out of it. The sun's rays warmed his face and he was greeted by a halo of light when he could finally lift his eyelids. It wasn't blinding, on the contrary, it was deliciously comforting. He turned his head to the right and had no pain. Deep relief overwhelmed him. Mark was asleep, his head resting on the bed, he must have been terribly uncomfortable. His hand clutched his thigh like a future drowned on his buoy. Jackson moved his hand slowly to caress the top of his skull. This gesture made him happy. He was able to do it, it was almost magical after the fright he had felt a few hours before. Mark moved slightly in his sleep but he didn't wake up. He tried to move his other hand but it was paralyzed as if something heavy was around it. Jackson turned his head to the left and saw Jinyoung in almost the same position as Mark. It was his hand that prevented his hand from moving. He was holding him so tightly that his blood circulation was not working at full capacity. He could feel his heart beating at his fingertips or was it Jinyoung's? He looked at his face, he looked so serene when he was sleeping. "J-Flawless" he thought. They had done a Vlive, both of them, on the parking lot of the Music Bank or the Inkygayo during the Eclipse comeback. An aghase had said that Jinyoung's face was a miracle. Jackson had asked why his face was a miracle, how he managed to be flawless, confirming that he was perfect. To dodge the compliment, Jinyoung asked him his first name and Jackson replied "Jay Flawless," a nickname he had given himself a few years earlier, but it was so much more Jinyoung. Jinyoung frowned in his sleep as if his dream suddenly became disturbing. The pressure on his hand became more pressing. Jackson was sure that he was having a nightmare. Unable to remove his hand, he tried to turn to the side to reach out his other hand and caress the other young man's face. His fingers slipped down his cheek in an attempt to soothe him. Jackson felt the need to save him from all his worries that were manifesting themselves through his dream. Jinyoung must surely have been dreaming of his drama. Jackson did not understand how he could doubt his performance. All he had to do was see him appear on screen to be convinced that his acting was incredibly accurate, making his characters completely credible in their realism. And if he was bad, no one would have given him other roles after the first time. 

"Jinyoung... Jinyoung... If only you could see yourself with my eyes. Then you wouldn't have any doubts about what you're capable of doing. No matter which actors or actresses give you the line, you monopolize the screen. I've already told you, but you are our Star. I've always known that. Everybody thought I was exaggerating but I really saw that spark in your eyes. I knew it wasn't there for nothing. You have this sensitivity, this observation of others, this empathy that comes out in your songs, your dance and the way you play. Your most human part".

Mark moved in his sleep and opened his eyes. He blinked and saw that Jackson was lying, slightly to one side, caressing Jinyoung's face. He was so happy to see him awake that he didn't dare interrupt him. He just watched the show so... poetic. It wasn't the first time he had witnessed the tenderness that united them. They often had gestures towards each other. And that was also the case with all the other members of the group. But when Mark saw Jackson do it, he knew that it was different from the other times. He didn't know what was different but he could perceive the change. Feeling him move, Jackson turned to him and smiled. He wanted to talk but no sound came out of his mouth. 

"You shouldn't talk... "Mark advised him. 

He took a glass from the back of the bedside table and filled it and handed it to his friend, who drank it one go. Mark put the glass down and sat down and moved a little closer together. 

"How do you feel? "

Jackson smiled at him to let him know it was okay. 

"Do you think you have the strength to hold a pen?"

He nodded his head and Mark brought him a notebook and a pen. Jackson took the pen in his hand, he didn't have much strength, but he managed to write down his question very imprecisely: 

How long did I sleep? 

"Almost two weeks... "Mark replied. 

He just looked at him, not surprisingly. Things were going exactly as he had imagined. The next time he would stay unconscious even longer until he had no return to the present. He knew it. It had become a certainty. His brain refused to think about it any longer. 

Where are the others?

"Bambam went to sleep. Youngjae had his radio show and Yugyeom had to do a Vlive. Jaebum went to the airport to pick up your parents. "

Did you call them? 

"We had to, the situation was becoming critical and we knew we had to prevent them. "

I don't want to worry them. 

"I know and I'm sorry to tell you like this, but your condition is worrisome. "

I understand. I would have done the same. 

"They should be here any minute. Jaebum sent me a message 15 minutes ago to let me know he was at the airport. I'm going to call him to tell him you're awake and that he's going to tell your parents. I'll be right back..."

Mark left the room and Jackson looked at the ceiling again. Two weeks was huge. He had missed so much since this whole thing had started. He felt like he'd been missing school for so long that he couldn't get his bearings in class. Everything was disorganized, incomplete. He was missing a good part of the classes to revise the exam and find his place again. He now had the status of an incurable disease without having any recognized illness. He didn't want to think about his parents' reaction when they came into the room. As he imagined them, he already had a ball forming in his throat. Tears would soon come. His eyes fell back on Jinyoung's face again as he was still sleeping. He suddenly jumped without waking up. He began to make a plaintive groan. Jackson tried to get up to sit down but he didn't have enough strength. His hand was still in Jinyoung's hand. He wanted to move closer but he could not move his body. And the young singer continued to express himself with small cries. Jackson couldn't even call him to wake him up. He tried to turn around so that his free hand could touch his shoulder to reassure him, but he couldn't get to his side. He was stuck in that body, so disobedient. He gave a little growl of frustration. His throat called him to order. She hadn't spoken for several days. He began to feel the tears of rage and frustration rise up to his eyes. He had to calm down if he was going to do anything. Anger and panic were not helping. He breathed with exasperation. He thought of all the times he had been unable to achieve his goal despite his best efforts. He had had to fight constantly to become an Idol. He remembered the sweat running down his forehead and temples, his body begging him to stop training. He had the impression that his period of "trainees" and " debut stage" had taken place recently, the memories still vivid in his mind, yet six years had passed. He had experienced many other things, as intense and sometimes even painful, but nothing was as intense as this moment. He had never felt so helpless, as if only his own death would put an end to this suffering, relieving it for good. He opened his eyes, he must not have been thinking that way. His state of paralysis was temporary. He had managed to move a while ago and he was going to be able to do it again. He just had to give himself a little time. Always this question of time. She had pursued him all his life but she had never been insistent for the last few weeks. Jinyoung moved his head slightly as if he was saying "No". He clenched his fists a little tighter without even realizing that he was crushing Jackson's hand. How could he sleep in such an uncomfortable position? He must have been really exhausted not to be able to extricate himself from this physical and mental torture. 

"What are you dreaming of, Young Prince? What hurts you so much that you suffer without even realizing that it's not real. If only I could come and join you. If only you would give me the space to be there. With me, you wouldn't be afraid anymore. With me, you could finally dream without being haunted by your nightmares."


	26. Back to the future

He opened his eyes, the light in the room was blinding. To protect himself, he put his right hand on his eyelids while standing up. His neck was sore, his back was aching and his arms were numb from staying in this completely uncomfortable position. He massaged his neck to try to reduce his stiffness and regain some flexibility. He blinked several times to get them used to the brightness of the room. He remembered exactly where he was. He had not imagined that he would stay this long and eventually fall asleep. Lately, he had been relying on the strength of his nerves. Obviously, they had finally cracked and he had fallen asleep from exhaustion. Once his eyes adjusted, he turned his head slightly from the window to the bed and he saw a half-seated body. Joy took hold of him, as well as the fear of a false hope. But when he saw his smile, he knew he was not dreaming. He stood up suddenly and took Jackson in his arms and held him tightly. He didn't move for lack of strength, but he felt all the tension in Jinyong's body. For a second, he thought he felt a sobbing spasm, but it was so fleeting that he had a doubt. He managed to move his hand and put it on his friend's back. They stayed like that for two minutes that were as long as eternity. Jinyoung clung to him as if paralyzed. Jackson knew something was wrong. He tried to get a word out but it sounded more like a whisper : Jin...young. 

"Don't talk. 

"What's this..."

"Seunah, please, your voice isn't ready," he said, stepping back. 

Jackson's hand rose slowly in the air, as if suspended in time and space. The comparison with the scene of Chihiro traveling on the train on the water with the Faceless ran through Jinyoung's mind. There was something fascinating about the two scenes without being able to capture the essence of their hypnotic magic. This hand moved slowly towards the singer's face and settled on his cheek. His thumb moved with great gentleness, barely touching his skin. Jackson pointed his finger and Jinyoung understood. A tear had settled in the center and now belonged to the young rapper. This later expressed a question, only with his face, forcing Jinyoung to answer so that he would not say the question out loud. 

"It's nothing..."

He knew he was not convincing. He hated himself for being the one at the center of their exchange when it was Jackson who had been in that bed for days. But he wouldn't let go without knowing the meaning of that drop of salt water. 

"I had... a dream. And a very bad dream. “

Jackson made the pen and paper sign. Jinyoung reacted immediately and went to get what he needed. While his friend was writing, he bit his lip. He already knew the written words before he had even read them like a song refrain in his head, without being able to identify the title. 

What dream? 

"A sad dream. “

Because of your drama? 

Jinyoung shook his head vigorously, surprised by the question. He wasn't expecting that at all. 

"No, not because of the drama. That's the least of my concerns. “

Because of me? 

Jinyoung did not answer. He even looked away, clenching his teeth very tightly inside his lip. He felt overwhelmed with emotion and did not want to communicate his dismay. 

Tell me! 

He shook his head, he didn't want to say his words, he was afraid it would bring them bad luck. 

Tell me! 

"I can't..."

Why? 

"I'm afraid something will happen to you. “

What do you mean by that? 

"If I say it, I'm afraid it will come true. “ 

Like a premonitory dream? 

"Yes, something like that. “

The power of words. 

"I know it's silly, but I can't help but believe it. “

I am strong. 

"What do you mean ? "

Words won't kill me. 

Jinyoung did not answer. His throat was as sore as Jackson's for different reasons. He got up and went to the window. The sky was so blue, so clear. He had never seen it so beautiful, or he had spent so much time inside that he had forgotten, for a brief moment, that he could be so infinitely tall and dazzling. He opened the window to let some air in. The breeze came and caressed his face, drying his tears. 

"Park Jinyoung..."

Jackson's voice was very muffled, but he pronounced his name very distinctly and authoritatively. Jinyoung could not help but turn around as he heard the intonation from beyond the grave. 

"I... will... not... die! “

The determination could be read on his face. He left no doubt about his belief. Jinyoung suddenly found himself very cowardly for abandoning him so violently. He had no right to stop while Jackson had only one desire: to continue. They looked at each other without adding anything more. There was no need. Both of them knew that they would still be doing the journey together almost ten years after their meeting. There would no longer be any doubt or fear, just unfailing, unshakeable support, as infinite as the afterlife. Mark, JB and Jackson's parents entered the room at this point.


	27. Back to the future

Sophia Wang rushed to her son's bedside, hugging him with all her might. Jackson let her suffocate him without protest. She could kill him with her love, he didn't mind. He was killing her out of concern. It was only justice. She spoke several sentences to him in Cantonese and Jackson nodded his head, you could see all the tenderness and guilt in her eyes. Ruiji Wang did not dare to interrupt this moment in the symbiosis between his wife and son but Jackson needed him just as much. He motioned for him to come closer and he found himself surrounded by four arms. He was finally able to cry. Mark, Jaebum, and Jinyoung left the room. On the way out, they found Bambam, Yugyeom, and Youngjae sitting on a large sofa. 

"He met his parents? "asked Yugyeom. 

"Yes, we'll leave them alone for a while and then we'll see if they need anything," Jaebum answered. 

Mark sat down next to Youngjae, putting his hand on his knee. Youngjae put his own hand down and squeezed the older man's fingers. They were going to make it. There was no other way out. They were not considering any other alternative. 

"How is Jackson?" Bambam asked. 

"He's weakened and his voice is very difficult to express, but that's normal since he didn't use it. "replied Mark. 

"Does he need anything? “

"I think everything he needs is in this room. "Jaebum replied.

"It can't be easy for his parents," Youngjae remarked. "They need to understand the situation even less than we do. We've had time to prepare, but it's so sudden for them."

" During all the way to the airport, they spoke very little. They were probably concentrating so as not to let the emotion overwhelm them. “ 

"What's on the agenda for the day? “

"We should rest or have some fun. "Jaebum suggested. "He's in good hands. We can take some of the pressure off. “

"Are you sure it's possible? "asked Yugyeom. 

"Jackson doesn't want us to focus too much on him. He feels very bad about forcing this on us, and we don't want him to feel guilty. We want him to keep his spirits up, as much as possible. We have to make sure we give him only positive vibes. “

"We could make a karaoke" proposed Bambam. 

"Yes it would be a good idea. “

"We take two cars. I have mine and Yugyeom too. “

"Okay. Youngjae, Bambam with Mark. Jinyoung and I with Yugyeom. “

"I feel like singing an A.C.E. song."

Everyone looked at Youngjae, slightly astonished. It wasn't the most famous group of the moment. Most would have thought of NCT or BTS of course. 

"Are you sure?" Mark asked. 

"They released a song, it's really very cool. “

"I love the latest Blackpink. “ 

"How amazing! Bambam who loves a BlackPink song" mocked Yugyeom.

"Are you jealous?"

"Why should I be? “

"Because you're in the top 2 of my best friends. If Lisa wasn't here, you'd be my best friend. “

"I can't be jealous, I love Lisa too. “

"And you, what do you want to sing? “

"I don't know... Post Malone, Justin Bieber, Tinashe, Chris Brown."

" It's always the same people, don't you want to change? “

"You dare to tell me that. “

"What if we went there instead of fighting. " intervened Jaebum. 

Everyone got up from the couch. Mark took the opportunity to tell Jackson and his parents that they were going out for a walk, but that they would be back early in the evening to eat together. Jackson winked his thumb up at him, indicating that this was a very good idea. JB was right. He couldn't bear the thought of being a burden to them. His parents seemed to have regained some composure. When he closed the door, he was surprised to find himself in the presence of Jinyoung.

"You were waiting for me? “

"No, I don't think I'm going to come. “

"Why?"

"Because I'm not sure I want to go. “

"It will take your mind off it. Jackson totally agreed, he was glad we were going for a ride. “

"It's a good fit for him. He doesn't want us to change our habits. As if it were possible..."

"It's a way for him to reassure himself. Pretending that everything is fine. “

"I know. I know him too. “

He did not want to be as ironic, but anger and aggression had surfaced and he could not control it. Mark was too smart to have any idea that they were not directed at him at all. This was the situation that brought out the molten magma that Jinyoung had been trying to contain for too long. The volcano had awakened and it might not be too long before the eruption if things got worse. Jinyoung took a deep breath to try to calm down. Mark was not responsible, he was just as concerned about Jackson's health. He should not forget that, he would not have liked one of them to get on his nerves.

"What happened? " asked Mark. 

"What do you mean? "

"You kept your composure all this time, something must have happened to make you suddenly lose it. And it must have been when you were alone with Jackson since you were asleep before and you were awake when I came back into the room to get Jaebum and his parents. “

Jinyoung leaned against a wall and raised his head to the ceiling. He didn't know if he should talk about it, if he could talk about it. He was so scared and at the same time he couldn't keep it to himself. It would end in disaster by torturing him and he didn't want the others in the group to pay for his own anguish. He lowered his head again and looked Mark straight in the eye: 

"I had a dream. “

"Is that what's bothering you?"

"I... I dreamt that Jackson ended up in intensive care at the hospital."

He added nothing more. There was nothing more to add. This sentence summed up perfectly why he had panicked so much in Jackson's room, why he had had tears in his eyes when he had been so strong so far. It all seemed so true. He had begun to get used to the fact that Jackson regularly plays the Sleeping Beauty. He was confident that the doctors would find a solution, but in his dream, everything had changed. The destination was final. 

"It was just a dream. “

"Then why is it so violent? “

Mark was unsettled. He didn't know how to respond to that. Jinyoung did not expect an answer from him. He just needed to clear his head of all the thoughts that had been going around and around since he was awake. 

"Why do I feel like I'm drowning? It's like my lungs filled with water and I couldn't breathe. “

"Sometimes... Dreams can be very realistic. “

This sentence was so banal. He felt desperate not to have found anything else to say. He wished he had found the right words, the ones that would have made his answer intelligent and reassuring. Jinyoung seemed to be thinking. He must have thought that he wasn't living up to his expectations, but his response was totally unexpected.

"And if that was the reality..."


	28. Back to the future

He got up from the couch to go into the kitchen. He still had dishes to wash. It had been lying in the sink for several days and he hadn't had the energy to put it in the dishwasher. He stacked the plates, rinsed the glasses, sponged the pans and pots and lined up the cutlery. He ended up exhausted by all these actions. It had taken him thirty minutes instead of ten. He started the machine and moved to the living room when he heard the doorbell ring. He walked to the hallway to open the door, wondering who his visitor was. In reality, it was more like several visitors. There were six of them. They all came home with food and drink in their hands. He smiled when he saw them squatting in his house, he needed company. They all gathered in the living room. Jackson left the couch and chairs with his group. He sat on the floor. He hadn't eaten yet. He hadn't had much appetite lately, but when he saw how much the others enjoyed themselves, he forced himself to take several bites. He had lost a lot of weight since it all started. He could see that others were watching his weight loss with concern. He was hoping not to look like an emaciated body, a body close to a corpse. 

"How do you feel? "Jaebum asked. 

"I'm fine. I haven't got all my energy back yet, but I'm moving around better and most of all I've got my voice back. “

"Yes, you can hear that. “

"Can you manage to eat? "asked Yugyeom. 

"Yes, it's just that my throat still hurts. “

"Don't you want to go back to the hospital so he can put you on an IV?"

"No, it's not necessary. I'll eat normally again when it hurts more."

"Where are your parents? "Bambam asked. 

"They went for a walk. They spend their time watching me, they need to take their minds off me. “

"When are they coming back?"

" Mid-afternoon. “

"We'll get a chance to see them," enthused Mark. 

"They'll be happy to see you. They want to thank you again for being there for me all this time. “

"How are they doing?"

"It's not easy. I try to reassure them as much as possible but without any answer from the doctors, it's complicated. My mother cried several times, in secret. And my father tries to be optimistic but I feel that he is faking it. I don't know how to help them. “

"They're there for you, you can't help them. "said Jaebum. 

"I don't want them to be sad because of me. I'm trying to show them it's getting better and better but it doesn't change anything. “

"Give them time to get used to the situation. “

Jackson nodded his head, eating his slice of pizza with his lips. He couldn't finish it. A ball would form in the back of his throat every time he thought about his parents' worries. He had to change the subject of conversation so he wouldn't cry in front of others. He was tired of being on the verge of tears lately. Nothing came to mind because his life had ended up being limited to his apartment and the presence of his parents. 

"JB has written a new song," Jinyoung said suddenly. 

Jackson took the opportunity to continue the conversation in that direction. 

"What's she talking about?"

"About a girl who goes out at night to dance and I fall in love with her, but she's elusive. And I can't hold her back." 

"Will you make me read the lyrics? “

"Yes, of course. As soon as I've finished it, I'll send it to you with your parts. “

"I hope you're gonna give me a part like Page between singing and rap."

"I think you could have a singing part mostly. “

"Do you think it's a good idea? “

"You still don't trust yourself? "Youngjae asked. "Yet on the last album, you hardly rapped at all. “

" I don't trust my voice too much anymore. I don't know what state it will be in when we record. “

"You're going to get it back, it's only a matter of time. “

I am the Tic Tac of time. And if you don't find the key, it will be too late.

Jackson was suddenly confused without knowing exactly what the internal upheaval was all about. A weight had just fallen on his chest giving him only one desire: to run away. He tried to ignore it by asking more questions. 

"Who else has written a song?"

"Jinyoung and Bambam. "answered Mark. 

"Yugyeom, right? “

"I tried but JYP couldn't find them up to the task. “

"Bambam, I am surprised. It's been a long time. “

"I was inspired this time. “

"I have..."

The weight in his chest intensified, taking him by surprise. He instinctively put his hand on his heart. 

"Are you okay?" Yugyeom asked. 

"Yes, just heartburn," he lied, rubbing his chest on his esophagus to avoid giving himself away. "I can't wait to see the new album. “

"I started to think about one of the choreographies with Jinyoung. We found two or three very nice movements".

"You show them to us? “

Yugyeom looked at Jinyoung for his endorsement. He nodded his head in approval. They stood up and looked for a song that might be similar to the one they were to record. Jackson smiled as he quietly massaged his chest. The other four pushed the furniture slightly forward to make some room. Yugyeom launched the song and they started to perform the part of the choreography that had already been invented. At first glance, they could tell which movements were proposed by Yugyeom and which ones were proposed by Jinyoung. Jackson tried to concentrate on the performance but his breathing became more and more irregular. He felt oppressed. He changed his position but the feeling didn't go away. It was there, it had taken up residence in his heart. His vision was also beginning to blur. He saw doubles of Yugyeom and Jinyoung. They stopped. They applauded. He stood up. He hung on to the sink as he entered the bathroom. He thought he was going to vomit and that everything would get better, but nothing came out. He passed his face under cold water, breathing with increasing difficulty. He turned off the tap and let himself slide on the floor, holding his chest. A voice called out to him behind the bathroom door but he didn't answer. It required too much oxygen to make his voice work. He was sorely lacking in oxygen. The door opened violently. He could barely perceive the contours of the person's face as they rushed at him, shouting his name. He recognized Jinyoung's voice. He crouched down beside him screaming, again : 

"Jackson! Jackson! “

He raised his head to hold on to the smallest detail of his face. His eyes. 

"Jackson! What's going on? “

His nose 

"What's the matter with you? “

His lips. 

"Are you in pain? “ 

He nodded his head. He heard him call the others to call an ambulance. His eyelids closed. He felt himself being shaken. 

"Jackson! Stay with me! “

He opened his eyes and Jinyoung's face was again in front of him, but not for long. Jinyoung took him in his arms, the others had immediately joined him.

"Jackson, please! Stay with me! “

He grabbed Jinyoung's hand and squeezed it with his little strength. 

"Don't leave me..."

By opening your eyes again. Everyone had disappeared. Only Jia Er was left holding him in his arms with a big smile. He whispered in the crook of his ear. 

"Good night, Jackson Wang. “

Jinyoung was running down an endless corridor. He was out of breath and redoubled his efforts. His thighs were burning, but he wouldn't listen to his body. It no longer had a say. He zigzagged between several people, not even perceiving their faces, nor their screams as he brushed past them. When would he reach the end of this tunnel? When would he finally know? Sweat was dripping down his temple and forehead, stinging his eyes, but he didn't even move to remove it. Seeing several people stagnating in the same place, he knew that he would have preferred to keep running down that corridor after all. At that moment, everything was still possible. When Mark saw him arrive, he nodded his head and JB turned around. There were all five of them there but he concentrated only on the leader. 

"Where is he? "he asked without even taking a breath. What's the point? His breath was gone by the time the phone call came in. 

"In resuscitation," Jaebum answered, his voice shaking.

"Are his parents there? “

"Yes, they are waiting for the doctor. “

"How..."

"He was at home with Mark. All of a sudden he felt bad. He ran to the bathroom. After a few minutes, Mark became worried. He went to see if everything was okay. He found him on the floor, holding his chest, vomiting and not being able to breathe. Mark called the ambulance and gave him CPR. “ 

"How long has it been? “

"It happened more than two hours ago. Mark told me that..."

Silence always preceded the violence of words. 

"The last thing he said was your name. “


	29. Conversation with my 13 years old self

With one hand on his shoulder, he felt himself being shaken while calling out to him. He wanted to react, but he couldn't do it. He was alive inside his body but he couldn't manifest it. The hand rested on his cheek and caressed it. It was warm. The warmth spread to his heart. His mouth opened to whisper something that his ear could not hear clearly as if a muffled veil was capturing the sound to muffle it. And his brain refused to give him the information. He couldn't connect to reality. There was for him, only the sensation of being cowering like he was in his mother's womb. It was the birth of a regression, far from being a liberation but just a big oppression that made him panic despite the presence of this reassuring hand. He knew that the only way to leave this state of paralysis was to open his eyes. He couldn't say where this certainty came from, but it had made its way into his head and it had no intention of leaving. How many times had he closed then opened his eyes to discover himself again in this endless spiral? He had reached the end of his strength, he no longer had the energy to continue tirelessly moving from one world to another. He was beginning to get used to the idea that it would be better if everything stopped for good. He had had the last breath of hope in the room with Jinyoung. Seeing him so desperate not to be able to help him, he had fought his own fears to persuade himself but more importantly to persuade his friend that he would not leave the battle so easily. But now that he was lying on the ground again, he wanted to let go. The only thing that kept him from throwing in the towel was his need to say "goodbye" to the people he loved. He forced himself to open his eyes as if his eyelids were being torn open to let in the light. The image in front of him, embedded on his retina, appeared at first blurred and then the focal length became sharper. His own youthful face and especially the softness of his own eyes surprised him. Everyone could read the purity of his soul through his eyes. He understood better what others felt when they looked into his eyes. He understood better why Jinyoung sometimes got lost in his thoughts when he plunged into the brown plum of his eyes. 

"Jackson, are you okay?" Jia Er asked worriedly. 

In his voice, nothing was a lie. It was the innocent thirteen-year-old boy in front of him and not the "monster" who was pushing him to come out with a truth he didn't know anything about. He shook his head slightly to make him understand that he was not at his best. 

"Are you in pain somewhere? “

He nodded his head and squeezed his fingers close to his chest. 

"Is it your heart? “

He nodded his head for the second time. 

"You can't talk, can you? Does your throat hurt? “

He shook his head as a negative response. 

"You just can't use your voice. “

He squeezed his lips a little tighter and raised his head in the hope that his connection with his past "self" would be telepathic. 

"Your mouth is sealed? “

He closed his eyes quickly to express the "yes"" of despair that remained trapped inside. 

"Can you at least move? “

He shook his head again. 

"I don't understand. What could have happened to make you blossom? “

He looked at Jia Er with supplication. 

"Did you go back to the future? “

His mouth twists slightly under the effect of the memory. 

"And it was very hard to go back? “

He nodded his head very slowly.

"Blinked to answer me once for yes and twice for no. Was it hard because everyone was worried, especially your parents? “

A blink of the eyelids. 

"And at the same time, you were happy to be with them, to be able to count on them. “

It was not a question, just a statement. 

"Was Got7 there? “

A blink. 

"They took care of you the whole time you were here, with me. And when you came back, several days or even weeks had passed? “

A blink. 

"Did you get to talk to them about what was really going on? Your moments with me?"

Two blinks. 

"They tried to reassure you, but it didn't work well because they don't know the truth. Were you afraid to tell them? “

A blink.

"Because of the warning I would have given you? “

A blink.

"Do you still think I'm someone else? “

A blink. 

"Yet I assure you I don't remember. I didn't feel like I was possessed. I was with you, all the time, until you passed out. “

Two blinks.

"No what?"

Two blinks. 

"I don't get it. “

He saw Jackson's jaws clench very tightly. He was angry because he couldn't make himself understood. Language was our savior. It kept away the crying, the screaming, the violence, the silence, the unmanageable emotions. It brought us back to our most human part. It was the extension of this extraordinary capacity that we called "consciousness". Without language, human beings are nothing but wild beasts, following only their instinct, killing each other to become the King of the Savannah. Looking at it more closely, we continue to have this animal part when language is failing, when our psychic construction is unstable. As long as we are unable to communicate and empathize with the other, humanity is going to its own loss, no matter if it is a so-called "developed" species. At that moment, Jackson no longer felt human, he was just a wounded animal. 

"I'm trying to understand but I can't."

Was Jia Er really making an effort or was he just trying to put a little more pressure where it hurt? He tried to look in his eyes to see if anything had changed if this unhealthy self-confident attitude had resurfaced. He didn't see anything in particular, yet he couldn't help doubting his sincerity. 

"I think you could have told your friends the truth. They wouldn't have believed you, but it would have set you free."

Jackson frowned interrogatingly. 

"This time it's you who doesn't understand me. I think just saying things even if they seem wrong to others is liberating. It's necessary to put words to your thoughts to get them out of your mind. Look, you, for example, would probably dream of being able to use your mouth to express everything you have on your heart. But you can't and it must just be a horrible feeling. “

The show was about to begin. He hadn't made a mistake. 

"If I were in your shoes, I would be completely frustrated. I'd want to kick or punch, knowing that I'm already down without a knockout to knock me unconscious. Having to stay awake in that body coffin. “

Jia Er came closer and put his hand on his shoulder before coming to caress his hair. How could he have changed so suddenly? Unlike the other times, everything had happened in a second like the switch of a light going from "off" to "on" mode. 

"I know what you're thinking. Your face, I should say our face is so legible. A real open book. We have no more time to waste. Let's get to the point. I have only one question: Why did you say the name Jinyoung when you woke up?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm such a horrible person. If I was my reader, I hate myself, reading this story. I take my time and I write just one chapter, it's very "grrrrrrr!!!!" but I promise that the next chapter is coming soon.


	30. Conversation with my 13 years old self

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very muck for 100 kudos and comments. I am so happy.

So he had pronounced "Jinyoung". How could he not hear it, understand it or record it in his head? Why didn't his ears work at that time and why did his brain refuse to give him this information? Why had Jia Er been the only one who could have this advantage over him, surprising him to the point of making him lose his words even though he had been able to express them? It was as if he had no chance of winning. Jia Er continued to have his hand on his skull. And smiling, he asked him again: 

"Well? Why?" he asked again.

Jackson looked at him, trying to make him understand that he had no answer for him. He wondered why it mattered so much. Why would it make any difference to him? To his future? After all, the young boy had become an unknown entity again. Maybe the cosmos was still having fun with him. It was torturing him for his greatest pleasure in the guise of the 13-year-old that he had been. Jia Er was no longer innocent. What was in his eyes looked more like a form of malice, as if he held a secret that made him superior to other mortals. It was all a game. His head tilted slightly to the right and then to the left like the movement of a metronome giving the measure, that of time. 

"You don't want to answer me? "he asked ironically.

Jackson wanted to scream in front of this condescending tone. The loss of his voice was really just an excuse. He couldn't have given him an answer anyway. He would have needed too much serious thought. Or maybe not in the end... A flash crossed his mind. He felt a panicky fear invade his heart. 

"Don't abandon me..."

He remembered this sentence. But who said it? Jinyoung or him? He didn't remember. What terrified him so much? “

"You remember something, don't you? “

Jia Er asked him the question purely rhetorically. He knew so much more than he did, but he kept telling him that Jackson had to tell him everything himself. What was the point of all this? 

"You just remembered the circumstances in which you said his name. “

It was no longer a question, it confirmed his cat and mouse game. And at the end, the big cat was going to stuff himself with the small, vulnerable thing.

"Tell me about it! I want all the details. “

Except that Jackson had no details other than this request not to be abandoned. Why this sentence? Why not another one? What could push someone to express such a strong desire? 

Death. 

Jackson began to feel a violent whiff of anguish. He was on the bathroom floor, unable to breathe as he had done the last time he had been in the past. He was holding his chest, which was hurting him terribly. Things were slowly coming back to him. One thing after another and Jia Er couldn't help commenting: 

"You finally remember. You are beginning to understand at what point in your present you came back to me. “

He had come back because this might be his last chance. His last chance to do what? He had no idea, but he was certain of it. He might not get another chance. He was going to miss out on something. If only he could identify that "something" then everything would be different. He would stop his time travel. How could he be sure of that? 

"You ask yourself a thousand questions without any answers. Your head might explode if you keep going. Focus on your memories. That's all that matters right now. Your answer is there, but it's inside you, hidden in what you don't want to see. “

What don't I want to see? Jackson wondered. 

"The truth. “

Jackson understood. Jia Er had access to his thoughts. And it was a horrible feeling because he couldn't escape his anymore. He was completely at his mercy. He had the absolute power to take him to the most slippery places, the ones that might cause him pain. He had found a way to dodge everything that could lead him on that path of suffering, but now his body could no longer save him. He had made sure to keep himself constantly under tension to prevent his brain from thinking too deeply about certain things. Jia Er had put him down and he had no choice. The dam would give way and the water would flood and destroy everything in its path, leaving only a city upside down. 

\- You're right, you have no choice. If you want to live, you're going to have to get to work. Starting with remembering what happened in the bathroom, in Jinyoung's arms, before you heard "Don't abandon me." 

Why did he want to make him think about that? 

"Because it's important," Jia Er replied, in all simplicity. 

Why is it important? 

"For what's going to happen next."

He was nice with his riddles, but it didn't help him. He still didn't understand how he got into this situation. He probably wouldn't understand it until he followed Jia Er's requests. He concentrated and tried to find himself as he was lying on the bathroom floor. He was in his apartment with the members of his group, they had eaten and were talking about "work" so that they wouldn't have to talk about Jackson's condition over and over again. He understood it quickly and it was nice for him too to be able to think about something else. The new album had become the topic of conversation. Jaebum and Bambam had composed a song as well as Jinyoung. Then he asked to be shown the steps of the choreography. And that's when he felt worse and worse. His chest had compressed around his heart. He needed to get up and go to the bathroom. 

"Why did you run away," Jia Er asked. 

What do you mean?

"Why didn't you let them see right away that you weren't feeling well? “

I thought it would pass, that it was temporary. 

"Really? Yet the pain was there, it started to manifest itself before the choreography. You thought about my sentence, the one about time. That's where it all started. “

How do you know that? 

"You know the answer. “

Are you really in my head? 

"I'm constantly there, I've been with you from the beginning. “

Since the beginning of what? 

"Since the beginning of your story. Since your consciousness developed, since you built your identity. I grew up when you were thinking about your relationship with others, about your personality. You think you met me recently but you fed me all these years without even realizing it. That's why I know so much about you, why I read you so easily. “

I thought you were a part of me? 

"It's funny, you noticed very quickly that I wasn't the teenage Jia Er anymore, but you didn't think I was another part of you, a part you hadn't met. We're all so complex, that's what makes us rich as human beings, but that's also why it's so complicated to live by constantly being "us". We show ourselves what we can, not what we want. “

I don't understand anything anymore. 

"It's normal. It's like I'm the dark side of the moon. I'm a part of you that you don't usually have access to. “ 

Is it you who makes me relive my memories? 

"Sort of... But you haven't got to the most interesting chapter of the story yet. To do that, you have to tell me why you didn't want to show others that you were in pain. “

Not to worry them, of course. 

"Isn't there something else? “

Anything else? No. He didn't want to show them that he was getting worse. It was just that. 

"I can hear your thoughts. And you're lying to yourself. “

What do you mean by that? 

"You don't let anything out. You contain everything to persuade yourself that your vision of things corresponds to what suits you and not to reality. “

Since you're so smart, tell me how I can lie to myself. 

"Do you really want me to be the one to remove your denial filter? I'm warning you this is going to be violent, much more violent than if you found out on your own. “

I'm not afraid because I have no idea what you're talking about. 

"You wanted it. “

Jia Er lost his youthful features and gradually transformed himself into someone more mature, taller, more beautiful. He became someone Jackson could trust completely. He would have put his life in his hands without any hesitation. He didn't dare to believe it. How could this be possible? His voice, which had refused to express itself until now, came out loud and clear: 

"Jinyoung"

"Stay with me. Don't leave me, Seunah. “

He opened his eyes. He was lying on the floor of his bathroom. Everyone was around him. They all had completely decomposed faces, they were extremely worried. He turned his head slightly. He was in Jinyoung's arms. He wasn't dead yet. He still had a chance...


	31. Back to the future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are still several chapters but it's the last part.

He took his bag and threw it on his bed. He went to his wardrobe and opened the door to take several T-shirts from one of the shelves. In his dressing room, he chose two pairs of pants and two pairs of shorts. Several pairs of socks piled up in one of the drawers of his dresser. He took five of them and did the same with his underpants. He went to the bathroom and filled his toiletry kit with basic necessities. He folded and put all his things in his travel bag. His backpack was waiting for him in the hallway. He put on his jacket and shoes. Youngjae was waiting for him in the hallway: 

"Ready? "he asked him.

"Go! “

They left the apartment and waited for the elevator without saying a word. They looked at each other and smiled at the thought of the adventure they were about to experience. The doors opened and they entered the metal shaft. As they exited the building, two cars were waiting for them. Youngjae walked to one of them and Jackson walked to the other. He sat in the back and waved to the other three people. Mark was behind the wheel and smiled at him in the rearview mirror. Jaebum was in the passenger seat, he turned around to check that Jackson hadn't forgotten anything before leaving. His leading side stood out in these kinds of circumstances. With Bambam, they looked at each other in a meaningful way. That's also why they loved Jaebum so much. The car started once, the checklist finished. The car driven by Yugyeom had been ahead but they managed to catch it. 

"Where are we going?" Jackson asked. 

"I told you. It's a surprise. "Jaebum answered. 

"I'm trying anyway."

"You won't get any spoilers. “

"Yet this is our specialty. “

"We're starting to improve. “

"You don't even want to give me a little hint? “

"No, you'll have to wait."

Jackson crossed his arms on his chest while sulking, which made Bambam and Jaebum laugh. Mark smiled when he heard them. It was a sunny day, traffic was flowing, they were on their way to an idyllic place, the seven of them together. There was something to smile about. Bambam picked up his phone and chose to listen to "Papillon, which eventually made Jackson react. He started laughing and the sound of his voice invaded the hearts of the other three like never before. It was so good! They all started to cover the song imitating the rapper, shouting as loud as they could "aïte aïte aïte You got me feeling like a feeling like a Papillon" Jackson's solo songs followed one after the other and he was so grateful that his friends knew his lyrics. He looked out the window and the landscape was changing at a rapid pace. He wondered if he would remember this moment at the end of his life. He had lived through thousands of other moments and he knew that his memory would make a selection of what it would keep and put in a corner of his unconscious. How was the sorting done? How could she decide what was important and what was less important? This process had always fascinated him, but all the more so since he had almost died. Memories were so precious in determining whether or not this life was worth living. That was all that was left when it all went away. Moments of happiness accumulated in the heart and the day it decided to stop, the soul of the person would take them with it to continue living elsewhere. They drove for a long time. He must have dozed off for a few minutes because there was suddenly silence around him. The music stopped and the conversation disappeared. He had let himself be rocked by the movement of the car. When he woke up, Jaebum and Bambam left the car to go and buy some food. Mark took the opportunity to go outside and stretch his legs. Jackson followed him. The car driven by Yugyeom was right behind them. While Youngjae had joined Jaebum and Bambam, the four of them took the opportunity to have a little chat. Jinyoung was sitting on the hood of the car and elbowed Yugyeom and laughed. Jackson sat down beside him. He felt Jinyoung's armrest automatically on his shoulders, his lips coming close to his ear and asking him: 

"Are you okay?"

Jackson nodded and smiled. Mark asked Yugyeom if he wasn't too tired from the road. He seemed to be in good shape, but he had promised Jinyoung that he would give him the wheel on the second part of the trip. They talked without giving any clues as to their destination. Jackson had hoped that they would inadvertently pass on some information, but they were very focused on not disclosing anything for once. It was a little frustrating that everyone knew except him. 

"Jackson, what's wrong? "asked Yugyeom. "Are you feeling bad? “

"No, I just want to know where you're taking me."

"Is that why you're making that face? You scared me. I thought you were in pain somewhere. “

"Yugyeom, for the umpteenth time, I am fine. I haven't felt this good in weeks. “

"Sorry, I can't help but worry. “

"I know..."

This experience had been traumatic for everyone. For weeks, they were on the alert, not knowing what unpleasant surprises the future held for them. Jackson didn't realize how much he had lost sight of the fact that he was no longer projecting himself into any project. He was living the T moment without fully enjoying it, fear taking over everything, and mainly his desire and pleasure to live. He had put his solo career on hold, unable to think of new songs. Every time he woke up, he was obsessed with the idea of knowing when he was going to go back to the past, which left almost no room for creativity. The uneasiness had won the battle and the essence of his art had come to an end. Now that everything had returned to normal, he would be able to fully develop his music. He felt it in his heart that he could move forward without looking back. But the members of his band couldn't know this, they continued to be a little worried despite his confidence in the future. Everything would be even more intense, this experience had completely changed him. He stood up, took Yugyeom by the shoulders, and articulated calmly: 

"I'm here and everything will be fine for me. “

He quickly ran his hand through the maknae's hair to mess up his hair, which made him laugh. Jaebum, Bambam, and Youngjae came back a few minutes later with several bags of snacks and drinks. Jackson got up from the hood of the car, Jinyoung's hand exerted a slight pressure on his shoulder. He turned towards the handsome brown man who shook his head in a sign of denial. He understood the message. He wouldn't take the wheel, he would let Jaebum replace Mark. When he tapped Jinyoung's hand, the latter was relieved. He put on his glasses and ran his hand through his hair before getting behind the wheel. Jackson couldn't help but think he looked very classy at the time, even though he was used to his classy look, his almost obsessive gesture in his hair and his habit of seeing him drive. He got in the back of his car with Bambam and they started sharing snacks with Jaebum and Mark. They played several games before Jackson finally dozed off and fell asleep again. He heard Bambam call out to him, opened his eyes and realized they were on a road along the ocean. The sunlight shimmered like little diamonds on the surface of the water. A whiff of happiness filled his heart. They were going to spend a three-day weekend in this heavenly place. He was already happy without knowing that the other six had rented a villa with a swimming pool a few meters from the sea. When the car parked in their accommodation, Jackson was the first to go out to admire the view. It was just beautiful. He never felt more alive than on stage or... in front of the ocean. Jaebum came and sat down beside him and asked him : 

"What do you think? Do you like it? “

"It's just... unbelievable. “

"Are you still mad at us for not telling you?"

"All is forgiven," he said, turning to his leader with a big smile. 

"Are you coming to see the inside? “

The villa was more than large enough for seven people. It had two bedrooms with two single beds, one large bedroom with a double bed, two bathrooms, a huge kitchen that also served as a dining room, and a beautiful living room. It is an absolute luxury. To decide on the rooms, they decided to play rock-paper-scissors as usual. After three tries, Jackson won the room with a double bed. Yugyeom and Bambam ended up with the room next to the bathroom, Mark and Jinyoung got the third room. The duo Jaebum/Youngjae had to make do with the sofa bed, which made the others laugh out loud. Based on the same principle, they took over different tasks. Mark and Bambam had to go shopping, Jaebum and Yugyeom took care of the barbecue, Jackson and Jinyoung had to prepare the meal. Youngjae could enjoy the pool with Coco and Milo. Jackson liked to cook at different times. He could really get involved as he could leave everything to others. He didn't doubt his culinary abilities too much, he just had to want to. That day, he was more interested in following the directions given by Jinyoung, wandering between the kitchen and the terrace where Bambam and Yugyeom were lighting the barbecue. Seeing his merry-go-round, Jinyoung looked up to the sky and went to look for him, pulling him by the hood of his sweet and sitting him down at the table to have him peel and cut vegetables. 

"Now be good! "he ordered him. 

Jackson did so by pouting. At least he was able to settle down and really help. Jinyoung came to pick up the vegetables and raised his thumb to congratulate him on his work. 

"Are you proud of me?" Jackson asked.

"Very proud! "replied Jinyoung with a little pout as if the rapper was five years old and was congratulated by his mother. Jackson stood up to watch Jinyoung continue to follow the recipe instructions. He put his nose right on top of the stewpot, it smelled too good. 

"I'm hungry," Jackson complained. 

"The meat is cooking," Jaebum said. 

"What are you doing? Where's Mark?"

"Mark's in the bedroom probably playing on his phone. And I'm reading outside watching our maknae." 

" Is that it? “

"Our job was just shopping."

"I would've known, I would've made sure I went shopping. “

"Stop complaining," intervened Jinyoung, stroking his hair at the base of his neck and looking him in the eyes, "I did most of the work. “

Jackson wanted to replicate something but nothing came out. A shiver ran through his body at the gesture of Jinyoung. This part had always been sensitive to caresses. Jinyoung tapped him lightly on the shoulder: 

"Can you get me a beer, please? “

Jackson opened the refrigerator, took out two beers, and put one down next to Jinyoung. He took the second one, opened it, and took a sip directly from the neck. Jaebum sat at the dining room table with his book in his hands. The kitchen opened directly onto the terrace where Bambam and Yugyeom seemed to be arguing while Youngjae, with a towel on his shoulders, laughed himself to death. He felt his bottle being taken from his hands. He turned around in surprise. Jinyoung drank from the neck of the bottle and winked at him. He gave it back to him and continued to check the cooking of the main course. Mark joined them and asked if anyone wanted to go swimming before eating. Jackson looked up at Jinyoung with his puppy eyes, his friend looked up at the sky and nodded his head so that he could go have some fun. Jackson grabbed him by the neck and kissed her on the cheek. Jaebum smiled. The rapper could behave like a five-year-old boy. He went to put on his jersey and found Mark in the pool. They raced several lengths and Jackson was the big winner. Water had always been his element. His body had regained all its vitality and he was too happy to do whatever he wanted without the chronic fatigue that chased him every time he made the slightest movement. 

"I'm impressed with your speed," said Mark. 

"Me too. I didn't think I could go that fast. “

"It feels like you're even better than before. “

He was astonished because he had felt the same thing without really believing it. He began to worry. Was it normal for him to perform even better when he was still very weak a week before? He shouldn't think like that. Instead, he should rejoice at the good news. He went several more laps before Yugyeom called them to eat. He and Mark got out of the pool and went to shower, each in his own bathroom. Jackson turned on the water and stood under the jet as soon as it was hot. Every muscle in his body relaxed under the pressure of the water. It was so pleasant that he lost track of time. He closed his eyes and tried not to think, just to concentrate on the sensations on his body. This body that he had almost left. He heard a knock on the bathroom door: 

"Jackson?" Jinyoung shouted. 

"Yes?"

"Is everything all right? “

"Yes, why?"

"Because you've been in the shower for a long time. “

"Ah sorry... I'm coming! “

He stopped the water, sighed with a sigh of well-being, turned around, and found himself in front of...Jia Er. He backed away violently, bumping into the tap without the pain crossing his back. It would do so with the appearance of a beautiful hematoma. He remained paralyzed in front of this ghost who winked at him with a big smile. He disappeared as he had come. Physically, he was perfectly fine, but the past would not let him go so easily.


	32. Back to the future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I dont disappoint you.

He entered the dining room where everyone was already sitting around the table. The meal was served, they were just waiting for him. He moved to the remaining seat between Mark and Yugyeom. Jinyoung brought the last accompaniment before sitting at the end of the table. They applauded each other for everyone's efforts and then threw themselves on the food. The meat was tender and cooked properly. Everything was delicious. Some spoke, Yugyeom and Bambam, to name but a few, others less so, as was the case with Jaebum and Jinyoung. Mark paid special attention to the conversation between the two younger ones. When he heard them talking about doing something in the afternoon, he suggested: 

"Who would be up for scuba diving? I heard that they have a wonderful place here for this kind of activity. “

Bambam and Yugyeom looked at each other while shouting at the same time "Eassyyyyy!". 

"I guess you both agree. The others? Jaebum? Youngjae? “

"Why not?" replied the leader. 

"I pass! I'd be too scared not to be able to breathe with the bottles. And then I'm afraid of the water. “

Everyone started laughing. They all knew that water was not Youngjae's favorite element. He was also the most fearful of the seven. Jaebum passed a quick hand behind his back to comfort him with his kindly laughter. 

"I don't think it would be a good idea for me to go diving with what's happened to me recently," Jackson said. 

"That's true, but it's a great excuse for you. "Bambam laughed slightly. 

"For once I have an excellent excuse. “

"We're going to be able to do something really cool, just the two of us," Youngjae enthused. 

"Are you going to make me pay again if we do something? "Jackson asked, suspiciously. 

"Is this that Shabu Shabu thing again? “

"I never give up. “ 

"I think I'm going to stay here, enjoy reading and go for a walk. "Jinyoung intervened, knowing that Shabu Shabu would never be literally settled. 

"It seems that there will be fireworks and a ball in the village next door, we could meet tonight? "proposed Mak. 

"Yes, that's a good idea. “

They all finished eating, laughing and playing rock-paper-scissors to decide who would do the dishes. The two youngest were the big losers. Once everything was washed and tidied up, they separated into two groups. Jaebum, Mark, Yugyeom and Bambam got into the car while Jackson and Youngjae played Wii and Jinyoung sat on the terrace by the pool with a book in his hands. He heard Jackson and Youngjae's laughter and he smiled. He hadn't felt so serene in weeks. Without realizing it, time went by and he had already read about fifty pages when he felt a presence by his side. Youngjae and Jackson had each taken a chaise longue to sit to the right and left of the handsome brunette.

"Who won? "asked Jinyoung. 

"Jackson because he cheated. “

"I didn't cheat, you weren't specific about the rules. “

"That's what I said, you cheated. “

"Jinyoung, you're not going to believe it! You know what he's like? This man isn't human, you trust me, don't you? "begged Jackson, grabbing his arm and sticking his face. 

"Don't try to sweeten him up with your puppy dog eyes! "Youngjae shouted, laughing loudly. 

"Park gae!!! You know who's never betrayed you..."

He felt like he hadn't said that nickname in a billion years. "Wang gae! Park gae! "he heard himself shouting to get the young singer's attention. He had always liked to say it, he didn't know why he had stopped. This nickname was proof that they were inseparable. What had made them stop associating with each other ? 

"Youngjae...

"What?"

"Youngjae never betrayed me I remind you that you helped him, just before Shabu SHabu. “

"It's not my fault, I had completely forgotten my own plan. “

"You and your memory..." Jinyoung laughed as he patted his head. "Do you want to go for a walk by the sea? “ 

"You didn't want to read? "Youngjae asked.

"I've read enough for today. I'll get my phone and let's go! “

They walked by the ocean, the weather was very nice. The wind blew pleasantly through their hair. They had taken off their shoes, holding them in their hands. Youngjae jumped into the water like a four-year-old child. He accidentally splashed Jackson and he stopped dead before bursting out laughing. Jackson gave his shoes to Jinyoung and chased Youngjae into the water. Even from a distance, Jinyoung could hear them screaming. Jackson had been a top sportsman, he was fast despite his size. He jumped on Youngjae's back when he got close enough. Under his friend's weight, Youngjae fell into the water, drinking from the cup, taking Jackson with him in his fall. When they got up, they looked at each other and laughed. They plunged into the water trying to drown the other one. Jinyoung had plenty of time to catch up with them while they forgot that they were supposed to go for a walk by the water's edge and not in the water in the first place. Youngjae and Jackson stood up and combed their hair back. They moved forward to join Jinyoung. And without even saying a word, just with a glance, they rushed at their friend who did not react with surprise. They grabbed him and threw him in the sea. Jinyoung dropped his shoes and those of Jackson, who retrieved them by holding his stomach, so much he laughed. Jinyoung got up and cleared his sight of the water falling into his eyes. He couldn't believe it, he hadn't seen anything coming. He jumped on Youngjae's back first and tried to drown him. Then he started to run after Jackson, but the speed was to his advantage. He escaped by getting out of the water and running on the sand, but Jinyoung was not Youngjae, he had the body and determination to take revenge. It took a little time but he managed to grab Jackson's shoulders and with his momentum, he fell back on him. They rolled in the sand, both of them, until they came to an abrupt stop. Jackson above Jinyoung. They stared at each other out of breath, trying to search for the air that was refusing to reach their lungs, their hearts beating at a hundred an hour. When their breathing began to return to normal, Jinyoung raised his hand to release a lock of Jackson's hair. Jackson put both hands on each side of his partner's face and stood up in pump mode. Once up, he reached out his hand to help him. Jinyoung grabbed it with a smile. They shook their clothes, covered with sand. Youngjae came to join them, he held out Jackson's two shoes and one of Jinyoung's shoes

"Sorry, I couldn't find the other one. “ He said. 

The three of them looked at each other and they exploded with laughter. They stayed for a long time enjoying the beach and then returned to the villa, the three of them standing by each other's shoulders. When they arrived at the house, Youngjae and Jackson rushed to the bathroom to take a shower. Jackson was drying his hair. When he came out, Jinyoung waited to take his place. He approached and took the towel from the young rapper's hands and gently wiped his hair. For the well-being provided, Jackson closed his eyes. He wished it would last forever. Jinyoung put his towel on his shoulders and he took Jackson in his arms and hugged him very tightly. Without understanding why, Jackson, in turn, hugged him very tightly. Jinyoung smelled of the ocean, his favorite smell...They stayed like that for several minutes. They heard the other four come in. Jinyoung let go of him and entered the bathroom. Jackson suddenly realized that a tear had fallen on his cheeks. 

Mark, Jaebum, Yugyeom and Bambam were excited about their adventure. The dive had been too good, they would have all come, they would have had too much fun and the fish were too beautiful. It was really nice to see them so happy. Mark was sitting with his head on Youngjae's shoulder, listening to the story of what he had experienced and then he suddenly asked : 

"What about you, what did you do? “

"We played Wii and went for a walk. "replied Youngjae. 

"Did you have a good time? “

"Yes, we had a good laugh."

Jackson joined them at that time. The smile frozen on his face. They all looked at him and for ten seconds he thought they noticed something. His heart seemed to be beating like never before. 

"Youngjae told us that you had a good laugh at the beach. "Jaebum finally said.

He felt relieved. 

"Yes, it was very nice. “

"Where is Jinyoung? "asked Mark. 

"He's taking a shower. “

"We're going to eat in the village before the fireworks" proposed Yugyeom. 

"I'd like to take a shower before." 

"Bambam, it doesn't take you four hours to get ready. We don't live in the dorm anymore and I don't miss this kind of thing anymore," Jackson complained. 

"It never took me four hours! “

"You want me to show you the video? “

"Literally, it hadn't been four hours. “

"Anyway, it took a long time. “

"I'd like to take a shower too," said Yugyeom. 

In the end it was decided that everyone would take a shower before leaving. While they were organizing the shower tour, Jackson went out on the terrace. The sky had become slightly cloudy. He was surprised at the speed at which the weather was changing there. He felt like he was dreaming, his run on the beach seemed thousands of years away, his fall with Jinyoung too. He would have liked to enjoy these same moments forever, all together, with his second family. He was pulled back by the wrist when he was called. He turned around, slightly surprised. 

"We're going? Are you ready?" Jinyoung asked. 

"Yes, I'm ready. Jinyoungie?"

"Yes?" he said.

"Tell me this isn't going to stop. “

"What's that?"

"Just tell me that it's not going to stop. “

Jinyoung came closer, he took Jackson's face in between his hands, lifting it up slightly so that he could look him in the eyes and take the time to say : 

"It's not going to stop, Seunie. It's not going to stop, I promise you. “

"Thank you," Jackson murmured.


	33. Back to the future

The restaurant was small, cosy and warm. It was exactly what they were looking for. The waiter had to bring a table closer so that they could all settle down. The menu card was quite limited but the waiter assured them that they only used products grown in the region, without pesticides and in season. For this reason, the restaurant served only a limited number of dishes. Everyone was convinced by the concept. Even if the choice was only six dishes, it was not easy. It took them several minutes to make up their minds. Once their orders were taken, they discussed the day in more detail. The room was packed. Two couples, a family with three children, a group of four friends were their audience. They were obviously the loudest. It was hard not to notice the laughter of Youngjae combined with the laughter of Jackson and Jaebum. The food arrived fairly quickly. It was excellent. Simple but excellent. Bambam gave Youngjae a taste of his dish and he nodded with satisfaction. The forks were shared to appreciate what was not on their plate. 

"I think we're going to record the new album soon," Jaebum said. 

"I'm sorry. "Jackson apologized. 

"Why are you apologizing? “

"Because of me, we could have started it a long time ago. “

"Stop feeling guilty! " ordered Bambam to him. "You never wanted to find yourself in this state and then we've made good progress, the songs are ready. The continuation will be rather fast. “

"Bambam is right" confirmed Yugyeom. "Hyung, we are so happy to see you so happy and fit. That's all that matters. “

"I know, but I can't help but feel guilty for your concern and the delay with this album. “

"Do you think the Aghases will blame you? Or do you think they'd rather see you on stage with us in the best physical conditions? "Bambam asked. 

Jackson had to admit that the question was relevant. He wanted to see them as soon as possible, it was undeniable. He lived to share unforgettable moments with his audience but the absolute condition to prove his love to them was to show them the best of himself. And he hadn't been able to keep his promise. Bambam was right. His love did not give itself in half, it was whole, boundless, immeasurable. 

"You see? So stop self-flagellating! You are not responsible and our fans continue to love you. "added Bambam. 

"Our maknae has grown up nicely," Jaebum laughed slightly as he tousled his hair.

"What time are the fireworks? "Youngjae asked suddenly. 

"Around eleven o'clock," answered Jinyoung. 

"We still have plenty of time. “

They finished their meal and left the restaurant fully satisfied. They decided to go for a walk on the beach before settling down for the fireworks. The sun had been down for about twenty minutes. The sky was still luminous, the last traces of the presence of the sun tinged the clouds with a beautiful orange-red. He was still amazed by the magic of the sky. A source of inspiration for many impressionist painters but also filmmakers who often shot their most beautiful scenes at the time of the magic hour. He started to think about his next video clip. It would be perfect as a light for a song full of hope and life. He let himself be guided by his ideas without really trying to control them. If one of them caught his attention, he would put it aside and use it later. That's how he worked. He would evaluate the options and then choose the ones he felt were the most powerful, the ones that would make his heart vibrate if he had been in the fans' shoes. They had to like him, he knew that. That was the rule of the game. Without an audience, no more career and no more possibilities to make music, but to defend his project, he had to be convinced himself to sell it in a credible way. If his music was made with his brain, in a very commercial way more than with his guts, the public would feel it and he would be disappointed. The emotional strength would be lacking. An artist couldn't lie about that despite all the marketing strategies used. 

"What are you thinking about? "asked Yugyeom when he joined him in the back. 

"About my future musical projects. “

"Solo?"

" Yes, solo. “

"Do you have any new ideas? “

"I think I'm in the right place to have them. “

"It's true that it's inspiring as a place. “

" For new choreographies? "

" I would have been alone, I think I would have thought while walking on the beach with my helmet on my ears but all of us together, I don't have the head for that at all. "

"It's hard to isolate yourself. “

"I really don't want to do it. You, you seem to need it... "

"No, why ?"

"I don't know... just a feeling. “

"What impression? “

"Since the event in the bathroom, you are with us at a distance. As if you really want to be present and you participate but something inside you is elsewhere. “

"As if I was evaporating little by little? “

"Something like that. Afterward it would be understandable given what happened to you that you're having a little trouble coming back to our world. “

"I may not be fully back..."

"What do you mean? “

"Nothing. I think you're right, experiencing another world is not easy. Things are going to get back to normal because I want to get on with my life, but it might take a while."

"Is that why you're thinking about your future plans? “

"Yes, I need to set goals so I don't stop to understand what's happened to me lately. I need to move forward, it's very important. I'm tired of introspection. “

"Introspection? “

"Yes, knowing what I did wrong? Or what could I have changed? What would have been different? Who was Jia Er? Who's Jackson? And how does one influence the other?"

"I don't really understand..."

"It's normal, I'm the one who gets lost in my reflections. All I wanted to say is that I'm really ready to move on. My life is here and now. “

Yugyeom added nothing. He could not think of anything more to say in the face of Jackson's determination. He had been confused; he did not know that Jackson was questioning himself so much. He didn't know that he didn't have as much confidence in himself as he was showing. The younger one had always admired him for his ease in facing the challenge, following this implacable conviction to follow his dreams and to go all the way in everything he undertook. Jackson was convinced that this was the key to happiness. And he wanted to pass this key on by making people happy. Yugyeom understood that appearances should never be trusted, they were so deceiving. To know what people really felt, they had to say it in their own words and most importantly, they had to hear them. Then it was possible to get a slight glimpse of what was happening to them. 

"Jackson, Yugyeom! Hurry up, we're going to miss the fireworks. " Bambam shouted. 

They started running to join the rest of the group. They arrived at the place where the fireworks were fired. They sat down on the sand and at eleven o'clock the first colors lit up the darkness with their intensity. For ten minutes, the stars were no longer the stars of the sky. With his head up in the sky, Jackson watched the spectacle, his mouth open and eyes wide open, shouting with joy every time a new explosion came. In spite of his total immersion, he felt that something was happening to his right. He turned his head and crossed his eyes. He wondered how long he had been observed. Several fires were fired. He did not know why he could not take his eyes off the lights reflecting on Jinyoung's face. Time was suspended, so was his breathing. And Jinyoung was an enigma. Or maybe everything was simpler than he thought. It was enough to get lost in his eyes. Not try to understand, just feel. He managed to turn away at the moment of the final bouquet. Everybody applauds, shouting. He was the first. They got up, got rid of the sand on their clothes and returned to the village square where the ball was taking place. It was a very family atmosphere with a lot of parents with their children and teenagers, people of a certain age. They stayed a little on the side so as not to disturb but everyone wanted to celebrate. A young woman approached Jaebum and asked her to dance. He accepted. Other girls from the village followed, inviting the three younger ones. Jinyoung and Mark took the opportunity to get drinks. Jackson began to move as he watched them enjoy themselves. The music was very 80's and he liked that kind of atmosphere. He closed his eyes and let himself be transported to a time when he hadn't even been born yet. He imagined himself in a village in Northern Italy one summer, surrounded by a lot of teenagers his age. A young girl was dancing next to him but he was not really interested in her. All that mattered was the music in his head and his body vibrating at his rhythm in the secret hope that "he" would get his attention... Something cold on his cheek brought him back to the present moment. He turned his head. Jinyoung handed him a can with a smile on his face. He took it, thanked him, and opened it with a sip. They stood next to each other without saying a word. Mark had been invited in turn, leaving the drinks with Jinyoung. The evening was sweet, the evening was beautiful and it was just beginning. The stars would be the witnesses of an exceptional evening where they would have fun like children who had found their freedom after a day of school. An evening where nothing more could happen to them, protected by their imaginary immortality like a cloak of invisibility. 

He was in his bed with a book in his hands. It was late but he wanted to finish his novel. The light from the lamp on the bedside table was on. His bedroom neighbor was already asleep. After taking their shower, Mark lay down and immediately fell asleep. He could have done the same, but he didn't know why something was preventing him from closing his eyes. He had picked up his book from the page where he had stopped before going for a walk on the beach. When he heard the door of his room open, he looked up, surprised by this night's visit. He approached his bed with a pillow head in his arms. 

"You don't sleep? "Jinyoung asked. 

"I can't do it."

"Are you still anxious? “

Jackson nodded his head slowly. 

"Did you take an anti-anxiety medication? “

"No, not this time. I don't want to get addicted to it. “

Jinyoung put his book on the bedside table. He moved against the wall, opened the cover, and invited Jackson. Jackson put down his pillow and lay down beside his friend. Jinyoung glued his torso against his back, put the blanket back on, and reached his hand over Jackson's body to turn off the light. Before darkness took over the room, he saw Mark open his eyes and exchange glances with him. Without even thinking about it, he wrapped his arm around Jackson's chest and put his hand on his left shoulder with a comforting pressure. Jackson squeezed his arm against him to hold it tight. He felt his breath against his neck and the rhythm of his breathing against his body. It was so reassuring, so peaceful as if he had finally found his place in his inner world. This world where his demons were taking refuge and shutting up for good to leave him in peace, to let him fall asleep.


	34. Back to the future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like Boys Love Drama, I advice " Hello Stranger " filipino drama. Actors are amazing and scenario is classic but beautiful.

He opened his eyes, feeling the empty space beside him. He wondered what time it might be. The room was quite dark. Mark was still sleeping. He got up quietly and pulled the curtain slightly. It was gray outside. The clouds had piled up in the sky, leaving no chance for the sun to appear. The rain was part of the game. All that was missing was their friend the mist and they would be complete. He made a small disappointment pout. The day was not going to be as beautiful as the day before. He walked slowly towards the door to open it, being careful not to wake Mark. He went to the bathroom, crossed the hallway past the other people's rooms, and then tiptoed down the stairs. He was just wearing a tank top and shorts. The floor was cold but he didn't pay attention. He found himself in the living room. No one was there. He continued walking to the kitchen and saw him. He was outside on the terrace, wrapped up in his coat, a mug in his hands. He was admiring the sea in such gloomy weather. The wind was taking its revenge in his hair but it didn't seem to bother him. On the contrary, he seemed to appreciate the intensity of his anger. He opened the door of the bay window and slipped outside. He approached slowly, not wanting to disturb him in his contemplation. He came behind him and put his hands on his shoulders, and asked in a voice that was still drowsy: 

"What are you doing here? “

Jinyoung was not even surprised by his presence, as if he was expecting it. He held his mug to his lips, took a sip of his coffee, and sighed slightly. The way he sighed reminded Jackson of the atmosphere that emanated from Haruki Murakami's books, the most trivial fact becoming the most extraordinary. The smallest detail could be the entrance of an underground passage to another world, everything could be a source of unusual events. This is how the author wrapped you in a bubble full of promise and emotion. This was the effect caused in him by a simple, slightly accentuated breath of Jinyoung. Shivers moved on the surface of his skin without the sensation of cold paralyzing him. 

"I admire the beauty of this world. “

"The weather is not good. “

"Beauty is not necessarily an appearance. It can exist in different forms: a force, violence, a presence, a dark surface hiding a treasure." 

His vision of the world was poetic and he found the right words to express it. Jackson admired him for that. That's why his song lyrics always came to touch the heart because they expressed his thoughts and feelings with perfect accuracy. Jinyoung looked up and asked him: 

"Aren't you cold? You should get a sweater or a jacket. “

"No, that's okay. I can take it. “

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I don't feel anything. We're not going to do much today if the weather is like this..."

"We're going to stay together, isn't that the most important thing? “

"Of course, but I just wish I could have enjoyed the beach again. “

"What's stopping us from doing that? “

"The approaching storm. “

The sea was beginning to rage, the waves were growing in power. The wind became more and more pressing, whipping the surface of his skin. The clouds became thicker and darker. In the air, the thunderstorm was approaching at a brisk pace. All that was missing was the lightning. 

"It's going to be a nice show. “ 

"I prefer the fireworks one. “ 

"Not me. I mostly liked what I had in front of me."

He said it in a neutral tone, without any particular intonation. And that's what disturbed Jackson, it made him doubt the very meaning of the sentence. He was going to ask him to repeat it, but a flash of lightning appeared, illuminating the sky with its light. He forgot what he wanted to ask. A second flash of lightning appeared. He grabbed Jinyoung's shoulders more strongly.

"Are you afraid? "he asked him. 

"I'm a little impressed..."

"You don't have to worry, they won't do anything to you. They are far away. “

The sea was really getting angry. It was rushing on the sand with all its might, trying to hold on but it always ended up going backward. She had to fight to move forward. She was so determined that she would get her way. And she was helped by the wind that always pushed her a little further. As he watched her take her place more and more in the landscape, he thought of this recurring dream. He was at the water's edge and a huge wave was approaching without him being able to move to escape it. It would end up swallowing him completely, leaving a bitter and salty taste in his mouth. He kept this unpleasant sensation when he woke up. He always needed to drink something very sweet to get rid of the bitterness. 

"What are you thinking about? "asked Jinyoung. 

"A dream I often have..."

"Which one? “

"I'm by the sea and a huge wave carries me away with it. “

"And you're drowning?"

"No, but I'm scared of his strength. I wonder what it means..." 

" Your dream?"

"Yes. What is my unconscious trying to tell me? “

"It means you're afraid of something that swallows you up, overwhelms you and carries you away because you don't have control over it. And you can't escape it.

"How do you..."

"I have a book on dreams at home. “

"You know it by heart. “

"No, but I remember this interpretation. “

"It's funny that you remember this one. “

"Because I have the same dream. “

Jackson was not expecting this revelation. He thought that dreams were like the human genome, unique to each individual. He was convinced that the journey was specific to each hiker. The fact that his brain used the same route as Jinyoung's reinforced the feeling that their relationship was special, different from all the others. Silence settled in between them, contrasting with the surrounding chaos. The thunder rumbled with anger, frustrated at not being able to be clearly heard by humans. They didn't know that it was a signal of a coming catastrophe. 

"Do you think you can desperately want something you'll never have or do you give up on getting it? "asked Jinyoung suddenly. 

It was a surprising question in its timing, not in its content. Jackson had already thought about this kind of question and hadn't been able to find a satisfactory answer, but he wanted to hear the opinion of the young brunette if he had one. 

"What do you think about it?

"You're asking me back, aren't you? “

"Yes, I confess..."

"I think that if you pursue a pipe dream, you can end up going crazy. “

"And if we don't pursue it and it makes us very unhappy, what should we do? “

"I think it's better to look for something more realistic so we don't get held hostage by this pipe dream," he said, putting his hands on Jackson's. "Let's go inside, your hands are frozen. “

He got up without even a glance and walked towards the glass door. Jackson followed him. He found himself on the inside but he did not see the difference with the outside. Jinyoung suddenly turned around. Not being warned of this sudden change of direction, Jackson bumped into him. He looked up. A few centimeters away from each other, Jinyoung put his hands on his arms. 

"You're cold. Why didn't you put on your jacket? "he murmured.

Even when he was so close, he couldn't read in his eyes what was going on in his head. There was something different, something strange about his attitude. Jackson knew him so well that he could notice the slightest change and identify its origin. It was the first time in a long time that he had this strange feeling of being caught off guard by Jinyoung.

"Go sit down, I'll make you something hot. “ 

Jinyoung steps back to move away. He went to put away his coat and took the opportunity to bring back a plaid that he placed on Jackson's shoulders. He went into the kitchen and a few minutes later put a mug in front of the other young man. He thanked him and Jinyoung returned to the kitchen to prepare breakfast for everyone. By the time Jaebum and Youngjae pointed their noses, he had almost finished preparing everything. 

"You're already up! "said the leader in amazement. "Did you have time to prepare everything? What time did you get up? “

"Very early on. "replied Jinyoung. 

"That's impressive... couldn't you sleep?"

"Let's say I wanted someone to sleep really well..."

"Mark complained that you snore?"

"I've never complained about his snoring," replied the principal concerned as he entered the kitchen. 

"Bambam and Yugyeom are still sleeping? "Youngjae asked. 

Jackson took a quick look at Jinyoung who had his full attention on what Mark was saying. He tried to figure out what he meant by "I wanted someone to sleep really well." Once he had fallen asleep, his friend had to make sure to give him his bed. In exchange, he took the queen size bed in the solo room. He had felt the emptiness by his side, only at dawn when he woke up. Had he really left him alone? 

"Jackson?" Jaebum called.

"What?" he said. 

"Are we waiting for Bambam and Yugyeom or not? “

"As you wish..."

The two maknae finally came down ten minutes later and everyone was able to settle down to eat. They started to help themselves by passing the dishes, one after the other. Outside, the gusts of wind banged against the bay window, producing a disturbing noise as if nature had become a frightening human entity. He listened to her attentively, he had the impression that she was trying to talk to him, whispering a secret to him. He wasn't paying any attention to the conversation at all. The image of the giant wave crossed his mind. If the wind continued like this, it would give him the chance to destroy everything in its path. He wouldn't stand a chance. Nobody could do anything. His hands tightened on his bare thighs. The bay window was shaking more and more. The wave was getting bigger. The pounding of rain on the roof intensified, covering the sound of conversation. The wave was getting closer. His fingernails were digging into the flesh. A hand suddenly grabbed his, interlacing their fingers, clutching to reassure him. Surprised, he turned his head. Jinyoung continued to chat as if nothing had happened so that no one would suspect their secret. Jackson relaxed as he felt the warmth circulating from his fingertips to his heart. The wave in his head disappeared and so did the fear in his lower abdomen. He didn't know how long they kept their hand like that, but it didn't matter. He liked that he had lost track of time. He liked that the seconds merged into years. He didn't want to go into the future anymore. He wanted to stay forever in that moment when that hand was in his. He was ready for it to accompany him for the next fifty or sixty years. He was ready not to let it go for the rest of his life. But was that hand ready to never let him go? As if in answer to this secret question, Jinyoung withdrew his hand. The wave was back, stronger than ever. He was about to drown.


	35. Conversation with my 13 years old self

He looked at the pile of dishes in the sink. He couldn't believe he had to clean so much. At the same time, it might be the right activity to relax a little. The knot in his belly hadn't come undone, small pains were running down his lower back, a clear sign of body tension. He gathered all the bowls together and began to rinse them to remove all the food. He took a sponge and, as slowly as he could, he began to walk around the rim like the hands of a watch. He concentrated on his gesture, evacuating as much as possible all the thoughts that cluttered him. When the bowl was full of foam, he put it on its side and took the second one, making this circular movement at the same rhythm. A quarter of an hour later, he still hadn't finished but he didn't care. He had lost at stone-leaf-scissors to the other six, he could take all his time. He rinsed the bowls with lukewarm water, then put them in the drip tray and took care of the plates. It took him almost three-quarters of an hour to do the dishes, but it was worth it because he was feeling better. The pain in his back was gone. He went to the living room where everyone had gathered. Bambam and Yugyeom were watching MVs on Youtube reproducing the choreographies, Mark and Youngjae were playing an online game while Jinyoung and Jaebum were reading. When he saw this painting, everything seemed to make perfect sense to him. It matched each of them so well on a rainy day. Seeing them so happy, so posed all together, he wondered what would change if he was no longer part of the painting. Maybe he wasn't as important a person as he thought he was. Maybe the painter could relegate him to the background or even make him disappear without anyone noticing. At first, there might be a few reactions and then people would get used to it. After all, the human being was capable of adapting to the worst horrors, his absence would be accepted with disconcerting ease. The lack would fade with time, leaving only bittersweet memories. One way or another, one would always end up moving on. He didn't know exactly what drove him to move on, but it was stronger than he was, he couldn't stay. He needed to be alone. Loneliness was the last refuge for people who felt different, out of step.   
He went out on the terrace and took the path that led to the beach. He walked on the sand. The wind was still blowing extremely strong. It pushed him in the opposite direction as if it wanted to force him to return to the villa. Jackson did not give in. The violence of his feelings rebelled. Nothing could stop him, neither fear nor his thoughts, still a higher divinity. The sea terrorized him, but it was always less impressive than the weight that compelled his heart. He moved forward, one foot after the other, keeping his balance. He didn't know where he was going, he didn't always have to decide on a destination to get to a place. Images flashed through his mind. Jaebum turning a page. Mark swearing. Youngjae laughing. Bambam raising one arm and then the other. Yugyeom, giving advice. Jinyoung.   
He speeds up the pace. How had they really handled the situation when he returned to the past? Perhaps they had shown him a feigned concern not to hurt him. They had continued to eat, sleep, do their work, see each other, talk, laugh. His legs alternated more and more rapidly. He was no longer walking. Maybe they thought it was easier without him in the end. He was neither indispensable nor irreplaceable. He was just a grain of sand in an ocean of sand, one human among billions. Nobody is extraordinary. He felt the wind whip him even more with speed. Now he realized that he had started to run. All his dreams, all his goals to reach haunted him, every second of his life. They were chasing him in a corner of his mind, the ghost of a terrible truth. His many plans for the future were only a decoy, a smokescreen to hide the unbearable, unbearable reality. The sound of the sea invaded his ears. He wouldn't even have heard his name if he had been called. A universal truth from which no one escaped, no matter the language, skin color, money, age, sex. At the end of his strength, he lost his balance. We could fill our lives as much as we wanted. He rolled several meters before falling back on his back, exhausted, breathing with difficulty. We would die alone. 

"Where have you been?" Yugyeom asked. 

"Taking a walk," he answered. 

"You could have warned us.

"Why?" he asked coldly. 

"Because we were beginning to worry," replied the younger one with a touch of surprise at the dry tone used. 

"There was nothing to worry about. “

"Is something wrong? “

"No. Everything is fine. I'm going to go take a shower. I'm soaking wet. “

He went upstairs. Yugyeom and Bambam exchanged a discreet but meaningful glance. They didn't need to speak to know that their thoughts were going in the same direction. Jackson went into his room, grabbed a towel and ran to the bathroom. He came back down with new clothes and a wet head. Jinyoung waited for him at the bottom of the stairs, leaning against the wall, staring into the void. They faced each other on the last two steps, Jackson being slightly taller for once. 

"You should have dried it," he said, referring to his hair.

"It's going to be natural. “

"Jaebum would like us to go to the village for a drink. “

"All right, that's fine with me. “

"You shouldn't go out with wet hair. “

"It's an obsession with you, my hair. "he says ironically.

"It was just a piece of advice," Jinyoung calmly replied, 

"I know what I have to do. “

Jackson turned back. Jinyoung grabbed him by the wrist to prevent him from going further. He turned around and confronted his smile.   
"You've always put the happiness of others first. It's my job to take care of you.

Jackson approached and whispered in his ear: 

"Stop playing mommy."

JInyoung approached his ear and in a sure and determined way, he pronounced this sentence. 

"It's not the role of mom I want to play. “

He let go of his hand, turned around, and left Jackson high and dry without further explanation. It took several seconds before he came to his senses and remembered that he had left to go back to his room. Everyone was waiting for him, he had taken his jacket this time. He was in the same car as when he arrived at the villa. They entered a bar where very few people were present. There was no risk of being recognized. The owner of the place had a warm smile that made you want to stay even if you didn't want to order anything. They chatted with her as if they had known her forever. A few villagers entered without paying attention to the visitors. They just wanted to spend some time together and talk about the gossip of the village. Everyone had chosen a hot drink that would warm them up while the storm was still raging outside. The windows were shaking under the force of Mother Nature, but the owner of the bar didn't seem more disturbed. She was clearly used to this situation. She let them enjoy their drink and went to take the other orders. 

"This weather is really weird. "said Youngjae. 

"Near the sea, it happens a lot. "Mark reassured him. 

"It's weird. I'm not used to it. And I feel like it's worse than this morning. “ 

"I had the same impression. "confirmed Yugyeom. 

"Do you think we'll be able to get back to Seoul?" Youngjae asked. 

"We're leaving tomorrow night, the weather might be completely different. "Jaebum replied, trying to keep a confident tone. 

"I think tonight will be worse. It's already very dark, and we're not even on the night shift yet. 

"I wonder why the weather changed so suddenly. "Bambam wondered. 

" Meteorological phenomenon but I can't tell you more. “

"Jaebum-ah, you are useless as a leader. “

"You really have no respect for your hyung. “

Bambam burst out laughing and Jaebum raised his eyes to the sky with a smile on his lips. 

"I'm really not reassured," Youngjae said. 

"If you're too scared, you can come and sleep with me. "Mark suggested. 

"We won't have enough room for both of us. “

"I assure you that we can sleep together in the same bed. “

"How can you be so sure?"

"Trust me. It is possible. “

Jinyoung stood up from the table, squeaking his chair, saying he was going to the toilet. Jackson watched him walk away. He stood in front of the bathroom door, waiting for the space to open up, his back against the wall. The door opened to let in a Jinyoung, wiping his hands. He looked up and was not even surprised that the young rapper was in front of him. 

"The flush doesn't work very well. “

"Okay. Thanks for the info."

"And the water's nice and hot. “

"I would be careful. Jinyoung? “

"What?"

"Was it awkward for you that we slept together? “

"No, why not?"

"I don't know..."

"Jackson, you know very well why you're asking me this question. Don't pretend. Not with me. “

"That's what you've already asked me. “

"Of what?"

"Not to pretend. “

"You just changed the subject without answering my question. “

"Because I don't know what to say to you. “

"Please make a little effort."

"This morning when I woke up, you were gone. “

"Would you have wanted me to wake up with you? “

"You told Youngjae that you gave me room to sleep well. “

"I ask you again: Would you have wanted me to wake up, beside you? “

"You should have told me to go back to my room. “

"It wasn't my request. “

"Except because of me, you have very little...."

"I'm not talking about that. “

The storm roared, the lightning was back, the rain hammered the roof, interrupting their conversation. He looked up as if the ceiling was an illusion and water was about to fall on his face, running down his cheeks, his mouth, his neck. All he had to do was close his eyes to be convinced. He didn't. He lowered his head. Jinyoung was there, his torso stuck against him, his nose almost touching his own. 

"Are you ready to answer me? “

Jackson heard his own blood flowing through his veins. His heartbeat resonated in his temples. He swallowed to try to calm himself, but the young singer didn't give him time to do so. He passed his thumb to come and caress his lips and open them slightly. By reflex, Jackson approached. Jinyoung moved back. 

"You should use your voice. “

The roof was going to fall on his head because of the rain and thunder. They were omnipresent in this conversation, they monopolized his right to speak. They prevented him from thinking, from analyzing the situation, from taking a step back. Everything became confused and nothing was coherent anymore. Unless it was Jinyoung's game that was driving him crazy. He no longer knew where he stood. Where was his objectivity? He saw everything through a filter and he no longer understood anything. Was his friend's attitude normal and shouldn't it be questioned? Or was something taking a completely delusional turn? 

"What are you playing at? "Jackson finally screamed, pushing him away violently. 

"Do you really think I'm playing? "Jinyoung asked as he walked back to him. 

"What's this delirium you're having? “

"I assure you I'm not having fun. I want to know the truth. “

"What truth? There is nothing to know! “

"Don't lie. “

Jackson grabbed Jinyoung by the collar of his jacket and threw him against the wall. 

"I forbid you to say I'm lying. “

"In that case, don't dodge anymore. Confront things. Be honest or it will be too late. It's always just a matter of time. “

This speech reminded him of something. Something that was stronger than him and impossible to control. It was so familiar, if only he could remember. It was like having a word or an idea and not being able to express it. It caused frustration that led to anger. That anger that was pushing him away from inside as if she wanted to blow his skin off to really escape. He ran headlong into the wall, without thinking, under the impulse. Jinyoung's voice stopped him in his tracks: 

"You have no right to leave me."

But it was not his Jinyoung, this one had nothing said. He was waiting for the impact of the collision, he was expecting Jackson's body. He didn't understand why everything had stopped dead, why he was looked at by his completely lost eyes. He turned his head around, looking for the voice in his head.

"Can you hear me, Jackson? Don't you dare do this to me. If you could see how much people care about you. If you saw everyone who comes to see you, you'd know how important you are to them. The doctor says you can hear us. Please come back to us, I beg you".

"Jackson?" asked Jinyoung, in front of him. 

"Shut up! I have to listen! “

What did he have to listen to? He was losing his mind. There was no other explanation. He was going crazy. 

"Come back to me. I need you so much. I don't know what I'm going to do if you're gone. I should have told you so many things. I would have preferred to put it off because it wasn't the right timing but I should have because you never know when it's too late. “

What was going on? Why couldn't he convince himself that it was madness talking to him? Why was he convinced that the explanation was logical and unstoppable? He had Jinyoung in front of him, he preferred to believe in the reality of that voice. Because he had doubts, he got confused, he made mistakes, he took the wrong paths or unknown paths, he made lots of mistakes, but this voice was undoubtedly the real voice of Jinyoung. At this revelation, the whole matrix lost its consistency. The Jinyoung in front of him evaporated. The coffee disappeared, swallowing with it the six others. The villa, the sea, the storm, the lightning, the thunder, all that calmed down to make way for silence, an absolute and cosmic silence. An almost funereal silence. He finally remembered what he had been looking for from the very beginning: 

It was too late to find the key. 

He had confirmation when he found himself in his teenage bedroom, lying on the floor. Jia Er and Jinyoung at his side. 

The past had sucked him in again, but this time it would be the last. 

He knew it and there was nothing he could do about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's all very strange, I know. I'm probably going to lose readers with this chapter, but I don't regret anything. I wasn't sure I'd get a chapter worthy of what I wanted to tell. When I started this story I wanted to do something light and fun. I really realize that I can't do that. Nolan and Murakami are my inspiration for this story and I hope it is a little bit up to their talent.


	36. Conversation with my 13 years old self

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Penultimate chapter, I hope not to disappoint and to live up to your expectations.

"Welcome back! “

It was Jinyoung's voice but the tone was strange. It had this metallic sound that made it almost inhuman. He didn't like what he heard. It reminded him too much of Jia Er's voice when he wasn't himself. At the same time, how could he be otherwise? He now knew that the Jinyoung of his reality was in a hospital room waiting for the end of this story no matter what the outcome. He hoped that others were strong enough to support him and that he was not alone in carrying the world on his shoulders. He hoped that he had given up the role of mother to take care of himself. He was dreaming in every sense of the word. Jinyoung couldn't play any other scenario than the one he had been given the role for. He had never fought against that. He had accepted with the price to pay for that responsibility. And that's one of the reasons he was such a special person. Thinking of him in this way made Jackson feel like he was getting closer to the surface that delineated his inner reality and the outer reality. All he had to do was pass his finger, hand and then arm to find himself on the other side of the mirror. But he was soon caught by his inner world, which taped him to the floor with all its weight. He was so heavy, he never realized how hard it was to carry. Jinyoung leaned a little more against his chest, his two hands on top of his torso near his neck.

"It's not the end yet," he said calmly. "Soon..."

You've taken control of Jinyoung?" Jackson thought loudly.

"Jia Er was getting too weak. “

Too weak?

"He didn't have as much impact on you anymore."

He tried to express something but his voice was still stuck in his throat and he still couldn't move. He was exactly the same as the last time.

No more impact?

Jinyoung signaled Jia Er to come closer, the kid obeyed without really asking any questions. He seemed as paralyzed as his adult twin even though his body could move. It was as if he was emptied of all personal energy, his free will had become hostage to Jinyoung's will, prisoner of this imposing voice.

"Look at you! "ordered Jinyoung.

He didn't know which Jackson he was talking to. Maybe both. Maybe neither. Obviously, as a reflex to an injunction, they reacted in the same way at the same time. They looked at each other.

"You are a mirror of each other. This is your past and this is your future. Your connection is a two-way street. Nothing is linear. Whether you like it or not, you influence each other. “

How can I influence my past? Jackson wondered.

"Because you are the past of your future," Jinyoung answered. "Your actions, your decisions have consequences for the future. The sum of all the seconds you have lived builds you up and makes you grow as an individual, as a whole person, and that's what pushes you to take one path more than another. Jia Er is only at the beginning of this story that will lead you to ask me this question "Do you regret your choices?". He has no idea what awaits him, what he will have to go through, what will make him sad and happy. He will grope, experiment, discover, analyze, understand, question himself, observe, doubt, feel, hesitate, accept, assume and decide. It's going to be a long road, sometimes narrow, exhausting and inaccurate, but it's going to be his road just as it was yours. And he'll do just as well as you did. He'll do the things he loves and he'll meet people that matter. “

Jackson listened to him at once hypnotized, subjugated and totally lost. He didn't know what Jinyoung was getting at, his voice had returned to its natural intonation. And it was all the more disturbing because it made him forget that all this speech was taking place in his unconscious. Jinyoung wasn't real, he was just the spokesman for an inaccessible part of Jackson when he was awake. Yet he wanted him to keep talking to him over and over again without it ever stopping. He liked the feeling of letting go and being lulled by the words of another. Jinyoung was able to take control of his life, and he would willingly give him the reins. He could do whatever he wanted with him, he would submit without resistance. He had chased after so many things for years, never giving himself time to breathe. He was ready to pass the baton. In that part of his mind, he no longer had to be afraid, he was protected. The others no longer existed, just like reproaches and judgments.

"And these encounters will nourish him, they will change his view of the world," Jinyoung continued. "And they will be rich in emotion, in feelings, in learning about life, in shared experiences. You see, Seunah, the teenager that you were? “

"Seunah" he couldn't call him that. It didn't belong to him. Only the real Jinyoung could use that diminutive. He came out of the float he had been in since the beginning of this impostor's speech.

"He hasn't yet understood certain things because he doesn't know anything. But you know. So how do you find yourself stuck between two worlds? “

The squeaky voice was back. He had almost let himself be seduced by his singing. It had revealed itself too early for him to be completely under her spell. Or when she saw that Jackson had come out of his torpor, she could no longer cheat and it was showing him in his true light again.

Are you trying to provoke me? Jackson asked him telepathically.

"Do you think that's what I'm looking for? Maybe I'm just trying to point you in a direction that was a dead-end before I came into this room. Jia Er what do you think? Am I trying to provoke you? “

Don't talk to him! He doesn't have to answer you. It's not about him. It's about me, not him.

"Jackson says it's not about you," Jinyoung translated. "Do you agree with him? “

"If it concerns him, then it concerns me. "replied the young boy shyly.

Please don't bring him into this. This is just between us.

"Well, now... Interesting. "Jinyoung murmured as he got closer. "What do you mean 'just between us'?

He's too young, he can't understand. He's only thirteen years old. He doesn't even know who you really are, Jinyoung.

"So you're talking about Jinyoung and you... And not about your unconscious taking the form of Jinyoung to reach you, to make you react, to hurt you. “

Why do you want to hurt me?

"To make you realize that you've been hurting yourself, alone, for so long that you've forgotten the pain. Without even seeing it, it puts you in danger."  


How?

"Jia Er, come closer..."

I told you to leave him alone!

"What are you so afraid of, Jackson? As soon as I talk to him, you start to panic. “

I don't want him to know. He has to make his life, follow his goals and desires without being disturbed by what the future holds for him.

"You've already talked to your future. You've given him a lot of details about what he's going to go through. “

I didn't tell him everything.

"Because you didn't know everything. Or you thought you didn't know everything. Now it's different, isn't it?",

I don't understand anything

"I'm not so sure. “

Jia Er stepped forward while Jinyoung and Jackson exchanged without uttering a word. He watched them wondering why his future "Himself" had so many facial expressions that followed one another, unlike his interlocutor who kept the same smile on his lips over and over again. He stood right in front of Jinyoung who looked at him, turning his head away from Jackson.

"Tell me, do you want to know the secret of your future? “

No!!! shouted Jackson. Don't do it!!

"Jia Er, you can trust me. Jackson has said how much I meant to him and what we went through together. “

"Yes, he told me a lot about you. “

Why are you doing this? I don't deserve this. I've always done my best. I fought to succeed, I did the best I could. I'm not perfect, but I've tried my best. Why put me through this?

"Do you really want the answer? Are you ready to hear it? “

Jinyoung had let go of his gaze on the boy of thirteen to concentrate on the young man under him, at his mercy. Jackson nodded his head very slowly without realizing it.

"Because I don't want Jia Er to become like you..."

Jackson wasn't sure if he heard correctly. He tried to repeat the words one after the other so he wouldn't misunderstand the meaning of the sentence that seemed familiar. It reminded him of the sentence he thought Jinyoung had said before he fell asleep the first time: "Because I am not you." It was coming back to him now. It was the same way of expressing himself. So it wasn't Jinyoung, the one he had known for years, but the voice of his unconscious that had started this whole story.

Why don't you want him to become like me? Do you think I'm not up to it? In your eyes, I'm not worth anything. What exactly do you blame me for? What am I doing wrong?! What's not good enough ? Tell me what you want from me.

"It's crazy that you still can't see it. “

This sentence had been said aloud so that Jia Er could hear it this time. Jinyoung pressed more strongly against Jackson's chest, close to his heart. His face, closer than it had been until now.

"You don't see what's compressing, crushing your heart in a vice. It's sick and you keep pushing it over and over again to keep all this crap you're holding back. You lock it up and imprison it and it moulds, it rots inside you like gangrene that attacks the body. I've given you plenty of opportunities to save it, to save yourself. You thought I was playing with you, that I was mistreating you in the form of Jia Er and then in the form of Jinyoung. You thought I was sending you back in time to make you suffer. While I was just trying to open your eyes, to fix you, to make you feel better because the more minutes, days, weeks, years go by, the more it shrinks. And you can't live with a shrinking heart because it is incapable of giving and receiving love. That love that you are trying to kill absolutely because you are different. You who have done everything to stand out and become unique in your music, deep down you want to be like everyone else. Being different shouldn't cause fear, just pride."

Jackson felt an incredible force going through his body, something as powerful as electroshock, and it spread to the tip of his extremities. He stood up violently, pushing Jinyoung away, pressing both hands against his chest to eject him. He rushed at him before he could make the slightest movement. He sat astride, in the same position as Jinyoung a few seconds before. Both hands on his torso, pressing with all his weight to hurt him.

"What pride," he shouted for real this time. "Do you think there's anything to be proud of? Do you think I should feel this way about something I don't know how to do? “

Jinyoung smiles as he looks him straight in the eyes. He wasn't afraid, on the contrary, he was having fun, which redoubled Jackson's anger. So that was it! That sudden strength was anger. The flash of a storm with big gray clouds crossed his mind. He tried to focus again on what he was doing. Jinyoung wasn't even trying to move as if he was convinced that he would still win at the slightest movement.

"What are you smiling about? “

"You!"

Jackson's hands went up a little more, he grabbed Jinyoung's T-shirt and held it firmly.

"I make you laugh? “

"Why is that surprising? You were always the one who made me laugh the most. I even said you were the funniest guy in the world. “

"Stop it, you're not Jinyoung! “

"That's true, but if I were, what would you want to say to him? “

"Why would I want to talk to him? “

"Because you may never see him again. “

"You're lying! I know I'm going to wake up eventually. “

"You remember, you had to find the key before it was too late. And you know it's too late. You knew the moment you opened your eyes and saw me with Jia Er."

"Why was Jia Er with you? “

"Why this question? “

"What does he have to do with this story? I understood that you were trying to make me talk about Jinyoung and me, so why does Jia Er have to be there?"

"I told you so that he wouldn't become like you. “

"You're my unconscious, there's nothing more we can do for the thirteen-year old I was. “

"Except that deep down you're still that teenager who's so afraid of being rejected that he makes sure he looks perfect and ideal. Jackson who is funny, talented, athletic, intelligent, sociable, determined, adorable with everyone, a great dad-to-be, a gentleman with the ladies, a loving son..."

"I'm not pretending, I'm not cheating, I'm trying to do my best. “

"Yet you never confessed to him..."

"What are you talking about? “

"The true nature of your feelings. “

"The true..."

Jackson stopped dead in his tracks. The wave had grown even bigger since the last time, it was monstrous, it would swallow him whole without giving him any chance to escape.

"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. That's why I have his appearance. “

"Don't talk nonsense! "he shouted, again.

"I'm not talking nonsense. I'm pushing you to understand why you're stuck here. The key was so obvious but you chose to ignore it. All the clues were right in front of you. The first time you came face to face with Jia Er, you were talking to him and you heard that famous phrase "Because I am not you". The second time, you were talking to Jaebum and he pointed out that it was easier for you to confide in him than in others, you denied it. The next time, you were talking about his drama and Yugyeom wanted to know if he was having kissing scenes again and you preferred to stop participating in the conversation. And then, your ballad with Youngjae led you to say that he was the best and nobody was as good as him. Even inside your mind that you thought was reality, it was his real voice that made you come back to me one last time. So don't make me believe that you were in total ignorance of how you felt, you just didn't want to admit it to yourself. It was blindingly obvious. “

Jackson didn't know what to say. No words were coming. He had no idea how he felt about this revelation. He had been searching for so long for the reasons why he was in the past, why he was falling asleep, why he was waking up going back to the present. Now he had his answer and he couldn't believe that it was so simply complicated. And even if he had found out before it was too late, he probably wouldn't have accepted it, but things were very different now. He had nothing more to lose, he could finally open his eyes.

"Are you serious? "he asked, ironically. "Do you think it was that simple? “

He began to laugh, a false and frightening laugh that resonated throughout the room. Jia Er and Jinyoung had this surprised look on their faces that redoubled his crazy laugh. He suddenly became serious again, his hands were placed around Jinyoung's neck.

"You said it yourself that it was blindingly obvious. If I denied their existence, it's because the power of this obviousness comes to shake up all our landmarks, it decimates all the contours of our lives, everything becomes blurred and we navigate in the fog of anguish. And I didn't want that for myself, I built my life, I put so much time and energy into it, I wasn't going to destroy everything. That's why you played your role as an unconscious person and kept everything in my place. “

"Except that it comes out one way or another. And you have proof of that, you ended up confronting what you were dodging so forcefully. “

"Except that it's too late. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's why I'm going to have to kill you. “

His hands tightened, he pressed on his windpipe to prevent him from breathing. The young man grabbed the wrists that had closed on his neck, he grabbed them to try to escape their grip, but Jackson was the strongest. Anger had taken over and there was no way out. Tears streamed down Jinyoung's cheeks as he continued to search for breath. Jackson followed the pattern of the water pearls that slid down his neck and felt them accumulate on his hands like rain raising the river level. These tears connected them together. When he lifted his head, Jinyoung's features had disappeared, leaving his own face smiling at him. In panic, he loosened his embrace and rushed to his feet, jostling Jia Er against the wall. He hadn't noticed but the new Jackson was slightly different, he realized that he was marked by the years. He came closer holding Jia Er by the hand, Jackson was paralyzed with fear.

"It's time to talk. "he said calmly. "I really thought you were finally going to wake up, but I have to do it the hard way. Jinyoung wasn't enough. You're going to stop acting like a coward and you're finally going to grow up. “

"Who are you? “

"I am your future, but you've already guessed it. And now you have no choice but to face the truth. You have to stop hiding, you have to finally take responsibility. “

"How? “

"You have to get rid of fear and doubts. It's time to be at peace with yourself. “

"I can't. “

"Of course you can if you don't want to end up as lonely and empty as I am."

"I no longer have a future. “

"You still have a chance, but you have to take it. That's why you have to listen to me. “

"What do I have to do? “

"Don't pretend anymore. “

"I don't know how to do otherwise. “

"Why?" Jia Er. asked. Why did I become like this? “

"Because I am not capable of truly loving. “

"You're going to have to find a way to change that," explained the older Jackson.

"What solution? Do you think I can find it on my own? “

"What prevents you from loving? What is it that stops you so much? “

"I... I haven't thought about it. “

"Wrong! It's what pushes you to work harder, wakes you up at night or keeps you awake at night. It's the one that made you want to make music to express what's in your heart, it's the one that forces you to reach your goals even if it puts your health at risk. It is she who chases you in all your actions, in all your words, in all your dreams. It is the one that makes you take risks and ignore the consequences. She is everywhere, all the time. It's everywhere, and no matter how hard you fight, you can never run away from it. And it will eventually destroy you. “

He had come very close, still holding the hand of the boy of thirteen years old. He grabbed Jackson's hand and put it on his heart.

"I am you and you are me, we are him and he is us. You don't have to be afraid anymore, we're together. Just say it and everything will work out. “

Jackson held his shirt tightly where his heart was. He bit his lip, he didn't want to say it. He couldn't go back and he might not be able to bear it. He looked for a way out, he still had a chance to escape. The bedroom door was not far away, but opening it meant death. Seeing the cheering faces of these two visions of himself, he opened his mouth and the sound came out like the first time he had seriously started to sing. It was a shock:

"Because nobody can love me. I'm not good enough for that."

His eyes filled with water.

"I'm not a worthy person. “

Tears flowed.

"Then how can I allow myself to love? I can't impose this on someone when I'm not even capable of loving myself. The task is too big and too heavy, I don't want to put anyone through that. It would be unbearable. He deserves the best, which I'm not. He deserves the moon and I am just a shadow"

He felt the warmth of the arms around him and held him tight. He cried, sheltered as he'd never cried before. Everything cascaded out like the bridge of a dam yielding under the pressure of the water. All these emotions had built up in his heart in an insidious way and he no longer wanted to beat against them to keep them locked up. Lips came close to his ear and whispered:

"I am proud of you, of all that you have accomplished and of what you have become. I am no longer afraid to grow up. I will know that all my decisions are the right ones and I must continue to walk without fear because you are waiting for me. “

"I'm proud of you, of all that you've accomplished. I am no longer afraid to be your future because you have succeeded where I have failed. I will continue to wait to get to know the person you have become. I can't wait to meet you because you are special. You are worth it. “

"I love you Jia Er."

"I love you, Jackson. “

"I love you, Jackson Wang. “

He raised his head, surprised by the voice. He was in Jinyoung's arms, with a smile on his face.

"It's time to go home," he declared.

He pushed him with all his strength at the level of his heart, giving an impulse with his two hands. By the strength and power of this gesture that caused his heart to stop, he opened his eyes violently and got up as quickly as possible. It took him several seconds to realize what had just happened. He had no idea where he was. Was he in reality or was he still sleeping? When he saw Jinyoung's surprised face, sitting on the floor, leaning against the sofa, with a script in his hands and the other six who had turned around when he heard him scream, he suddenly remembered. He was in the dressing rooms of the Idol Room, where it all began.


	37. Welcome to the present

He looked at them one after the other as if he did not know them. He hastily mumbled an "I... I have to go to the bathroom". His voice trembled. He moved around on the couch, skirting around Jinyoung, almost losing his balance as he stood up. It was a miracle that he made it to the dressing room door without incident. He opened it abruptly and slammed it shut. Everyone looked at each other in a questioning way, not understanding what was going on. They had rarely seen him in such a state of nervousness. Perhaps he had had a very disturbing nightmare. It was the only plausible explanation for his reaction. After all, he had just been taking a nap. The other possibility took into account the supernatural and they were not sure they wanted to know more. When Jackson returned several minutes later, they were all definitely ready for the show.

"Are you okay?" Jaebum asked.

Jackson nodded without saying a word. 

"Do you think you can do the show? “ 

"Mm-hmm."

Jaebum was not at all convinced of the answer. 

"Do you need anything? “

Jackson shook his head. The others sincerely began to worry. It was completely unusual. He had never been able to keep quiet for very long, participating in one way or another. He seemed elsewhere, not at all anchored in the present. 

"You have a problem with your voice? "Mark asked. 

"No." 

They were relieved to actually hear him even though he was clearly not himself. They came out of the dressing room and followed the assistant director to the set. Donnie and Defcon greeted them and chatted a bit. Then they headed to the control room where they had a few more details to work out. Yugyeom and Bambam were laughing at Youngjae. Mark and Jaebum were chatting with one of the cameramen of the Idol Room whom they knew very well because he had worked on the Weekly Idol for a long time. Jinyoung was following the conversation while looking at the younger ones to see that they were behaving without excess. He turned in the direction of Jackson,a little out of the way, who was looking at his shoes and then raised his head to see if things were moving. Jinyoung tried to look for the slightest sign of discomfort. The young rapper seemed to be doing well physically. He had recovered from his nap, he didn't look like he was in the mud or bewildered, but there was something unstable in his eyes. His eyes kept moving in all directions as if he was on the alert as if there could be an imminent danger at any moment. He crossed his arms on his chest and bent slightly in half as people do who want to stop the shaking of their bodies. Jinyoung was going to move towards him but Defcon and Donnie were on the TV set and the assistant director asked them to gather to make their entrance as a group. The countdown started and the show began. They were perfect as usual. Their visuals were a real blessing for the eyes and their sense of entertainment, a real treat for the zygomatic. Fans would see no difference from their usual comeback. Jackson behaved exactly as expected. Aghases would have no clues to his bizarre behavior just minutes before. He had been professional to the end. The other six were hoping that they had found their Jackson. They realized that this hope was premature. He concentrated on getting changed and getting ready to go home, avoiding all eyes around him. Cars were waiting in the parking lot to take them home. One after the other, they got into the car. They took the opportunity to debrief the Idol Room with their manager. Jackson listened as he watched the landscape pass by through the window, his head on his hand, his little finger in his mouth. It was as if he needed to go somewhere else to come back with them, as if the attention demanded was too much to handle. Yugyeom nodded slightly to Bambam, who nodded his head to let him know that he had also noticed that their friend had participated very little in the conversation. The car stopped first in front of Youngjae's building, then it was the two maknae's turn to get out. Soon only Jaebum, Jackson, and Jinyoung were left. The leader continued to discuss the comeback program in detail, hoping to keep his sunbae's attention. He wasn't sure that Jackson was able to control himself to stay focused. Upon arriving in front of his building, he wished them good night leaving JJ Project alone at last. 

"What do you think? "Jaebum asked. 

"Honestly... I don't know. I feel like it's someone else. “

"What could have happened while he was sleeping that made him so strange? “

"I don't know but it's not a good sign. “

"Could you try to talk to him tomorrow? “

"Why me? “

"Because he confides more easily. 

"Don't get your hopes up."

"Just try. “

"Okay, we'll see. “

Once again, they were in the dressing rooms but this time they were preparing for their first Vlive. A gift full of spoilers and fun for the fans. Jinyoung didn't find the right time to try to chat with Jackson. They hadn't arrived at the same time and while one was getting his hair done, the other was in makeup and vice versa. Then Jinyoung was called by his manager. When he came back with the others, he noticed Jackson's face. Obviously, he hadn't slept much, but at least he was having a little chat with Youngjae. His eyes remained shifty. He couldn't put them on anything in particular for more than two minutes. He couldn't hold it in place either. He kept moving around, moving around the room, scratching at times. His behavior was strangely like a junkie who was running out of his fix. At this comparison, a feeling of disgust took Jinyoung by the throat. The rope tightened slightly around his neck, making him envious to return his lunch, except that he didn't know where the feeling came from. He had to talk to him. As he walked towards him, Mark cut him off and stood in front of him: 

"Were you going to see Jackson?"

"How did you..."

"I don't recommend it, not right away. “

"Why?"

"Youngjae told me it's best not to rush him He had a little chat with him. And he needs some space, he's not feeling well. He's afraid to say things that are beyond his thoughts and he doesn't want to put us through that. “

"Okay, I understand. It's good that he was able to talk to him. “

"He didn't say much except that he needed time and space. “ 

"But at least he said something about it. That's something. “

"I just hope he doesn't isolate himself anymore. He's had some hard times but he's never, ever gone away from us like that. On the contrary, he was more likely to come even closer to us to reassure himself, to feel safe. He makes sure, each time, that we won't leave him. “

He listened attentively to Mark, but his eyes didn't let go of Jackson, and his brain continued to think at breakneck speed trying to understand. 

"We just got fooled," he says more for himself than for the other person.

"What do you mean? “

"He may never have shown us how he really felt, hiding behind his habit of making us laugh. And now he can't pretend anymore. “

Mark looked, in turn, at Jackson. He nodded his head. Jinyoung was probably right.

At the end of The Vlive, Jinyoung tried to find a moment to talk to him, just to be with him. He had, of course, heard Mark's recommendation and he wouldn't have insisted to know what was wrong but he needed to have an exchange with even the banalest young rapper. He hurried to reach him but Jackson was constantly on the phone, sometimes speaking in English, sometimes in Cantonese. He probably had something to deal with in connection with Team Wang. He seemed to contain himself so as not to explode, his patience must have been stretched to the limit. Jinyoung decided that it was better to give up. They then had to go to the dance hall of the JYPE to film the "Dance Practice" video of the two songs that would be presented in the shows. They started again several times because one of them made a mistake, especially Jaebum. Jaebum apologized several times for his lack of concentration. To everyone's surprise, Jackson went to see him during the break and whispered something in his ear. Jaebum nodded his head with a big smile. No matter what Jackson had said to him, the most important thing was that he had come to him. Jaebum did not make any mistakes afterward. Once the dance practice videos were in the box, they applauded and thanked the staff before leaving the room. They had one last show to do. A very short segment where they were asked to take on challenges. At least in this segment, they really had fun together. Jackson was, again, good and everyone noticed that he really enjoyed himself. It had been a very long day, as was often the case before and during the comebacks. They had woken up around 4 a.m. and it was already midnight. The next day was going to be a lighter day, a little respite after the big rush, that of the TV and radio show sequences and the Vlives. On the way home, they were very excited, they kept talking altogether and laughing happily. Things seemed to be back to normal. Jackson was not the most eloquent but at least he was there and less on edge. Jaebum mocked Jinyoung, helped by Yugyeom who didn't miss an opportunity to tease his Hyung whenever he had the chance. The handsome brunette hit his leader lightly on the arm, starting to laugh, his wrinkles at the corner of his eyes fully wrinkled, which made him so charming. He met Jackson's gaze, who turned away in a very natural way towards the window. Jinyoung noticed him and quickly put it down to coincidence. He continued to have fun with the other two. Completely distracted, he didn't pay much attention to the other young man. Jinyoung greeted his manager, Jaebum, and Mark before getting out of the vehicle. He returned to his apartment where he felt so comfortable. He went to his room, took some comfortable clothes, and went to the bathroom. He took a quick hot shower. When he went out, he checked his cell phone to make sure he didn't have a message. The conversation with the other members was very lively. Before reading them, he sent one to Jackson privately, too frustrated not to have been able to talk to him. Without waiting for an immediate response, he decided to read all of the "GoT3+4ever" messages. Bambam and Yugyeom had monopolized the conversation. It wasn't the first time. Youngjae intervened regularly, Jaebum occasionally, and Mark responded once. He must have been too busy playing since he hadn't been able to play all day. Once he had caught up, he started tapping the keys of his phone, a long message to make a summary answer to everything he had missed. As he sent his message, Jackson's message appeared seconds before his own. Jinyoung was reassured of his presence. At least he hadn't decided to turn off his phone and isolate himself like the day before.He returned to the main menu of the application to check if the twenty-six-year-old had answered him privately. He still hadn't. He let him take his time. To keep himself busy, he took his book from his bedside table and started reading. After two pages, he checked his phone. The number of messages on "GOT3+4ever" increased exponentially but still nothing in private message. He opened the group conversation, read all the new messages, and realized that Jackson had answered several times. He participated again in the group's deliriums. He plunged back into his reading. It was only for a short time. At the end of a page, he pressed his screen and his expectation was not fulfilled. He forced himself to concentrate on his story. As if he was conditioned, he checked his messages again after a few tens of seconds. He could not control this excessive need. This emotional elevator between hope and disappointment did not change reality, in fact, it was no longer within his control. But having his eyes constantly glued to the screen gave the illusion of mastering something in the mental chaos into which he had suddenly fallen. Everything became blurred and muddled and only this so innocuous gesture of his finger sliding on the screen could bring him the only thing he desired: calm in the form of a response, putting an end to this inner turmoil. No matter how long he waited, his wish was never granted. Out of exasperation, he turned off his phone, the only way to stop this addiction that was making him go around in circles with his repetition. He was unable to read another line. He knew that the night was going to be long, accompanied by his harmful thoughts.

They still had the recording of Studio Choom's performances left and they would have finished the day. They took the car back, Jaebum moved between Jackson and Yugyeom. Neither of them dared to start a conversation with the third, but they saw him turn to them to listen to what they were saying. They took it as a good sign. Studio Choom's recording was always special, the quality of the direction and editing was incredible. No other show was able to emphasize the difficulty or concept of their choreography in such a talented way. The technical team was very professional and also creative. This time, Jinyoung was determined not to let Jackson get away. All his thoughts were racing through his head, challenging certainties he thought were as unshakeable as the mountains. When he saw Jackson leave the lodge, he took the opportunity to follow him down the corridor and to call out to him. 

"Seunah! “

He continued to walk without paying attention. 

"Seunah! "shouted a little louder Jinyoung while running to catch up with him. 

Jackson stopped and turned over to face him. 

"What?" he asked hastily. 

"Can we talk?" he asked hastily.

"I have to go to the bathroom. “

"I won't be long..."

"Sorry, it can't wait. “

He turned around and began to advance. Seeing that the situation escaped him again, Jinyoung hesitated, caught between the desire to settle and that of abandoning things. His impulse rushed into this rift, expressing itself through a bodily impulse that made his voice tremble: 

"Why didn't you answer my message? “ 

It sounded like a scream but it wasn't its original form. The impulse had been too strong and it made him lose his inner balance as if he was dizzy, altering his psychic solidity. 

"What message? “

"I sent you a message yesterday. “

"I'm sorry, I haven't seen it. “

"Didn't you see it?"

"I was so tired that I didn't pay attention to. “

Should he pretend to believe it? Everyone knew that there was a detail called notification and it was unlikely to escape it, especially by going on another conversation. But if Jackson was able to deny it at this point, was he in favor of going in a direction that was lost in advance? Wasn't it better to accept and act as if it were normal?  
After all, friends had to make the relationship work and not really try to understand each other's inconsistencies and quirks. Just accept them without causing too much trouble or coming to blame or to judge. Jackson had always been there, supporting him in all these difficult moments, trying to help him whenever he could, living unique and rich moments together so he could play the game as a thank you for his unfailing support. It was the first time he had done something like this and given his change in behavior in the last three days, Jinyoung did not want to add a layer with his personal doubts. 

"Okay, I understand. It just felt a little weird not getting an answer like that's not your style. “

"I was really tired, I went to bed very quickly. “

"You should get more rest tonight. “

"I'm going to try. I'm thinking of turning my phone off so I won't be disturbed."

Was he telling him there was no point in sending him another message? Was this his way of letting him know that he had been disturbed the day before? Yet he had not blamed anything for their group conversation. On the contrary, he had even replied several times. Was Jinyoung starting to become paranoid and misinterpreting his words? Or was Jackson having a different and completely unpredictable attitude? Where was the objectivity? Where was the subjectivity that blurred the lines? He was probably the one who was making films. He couldn't see any reason why Jackson would do this to himself. They hadn't argued, so it was important to put things into perspective. Fatigue could be paralyzing, he had already experienced it. He wanted to believe his friend. He wouldn't go looking for complications where there were none. 

"It's a good idea that way, you'll be tempted to stay up late. “

"I must..."

"Go for it! I won't keep you any longer. “ 

He returned to the lodge. The others were waiting for him impatiently as the recording was about to begin. Yugyeom asked him where Jackson had gone. He went to answer when Jackson appeared. He was supposed to be in the bathroom, how could he have been so fast? Or maybe he changed his mind at the last minute, knowing that he might be late. They entered the set and Jaebum slipped in beside him to ask him if he was okay. 

"Yes, I'm okay. Why?"

" I don't know, you seemed upset when you walked into the dressing room. “

"No, everything is fine. I was thinking, maybe that's why you thought I was upset. “

"You weren't able to talk to Jackson as planned, but in the end, it looks like things are looking up for him. “

"Yes, it looks like...".

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

"I don't know. I'm talking about Jackson getting better and I thought you'd be more excited to see that improvement. “

"Sorry, I'm somewhere else and I didn't realize how I reacted, but I'm happy and reassured for him."

"What's troubling you?"

"Nothing important... I'm still thinking a lot before we make a comeback. “

"Are you a little nervous? “

"Yes, a little. “

"It's always a real event for us and our fans. We're all the same. “

Jinyoung smiles while nodding his head. If he still had doubts, this exchange with Jaebum proved to him that he was a good actor and that the characters in these dramas had to seem realistic. When the staff of Studio Choom asked them to join the set, they all followed the assistant director. They got into a position to begin the choreography. Before the music started, Jinyoung took a look at Jackson, right in front of him. He stared at him for several seconds as he dusted his black pants. Seeing that he did not raise his head, Jinyoung lowered his own, not realizing that the much sought-after gaze had fallen on him, just as his own had turned away... And that a sigh came out of his lips marked by teeth impression, by dint of sinking into the flesh.

Their comeback had officially started a week ago. They had been going to bed very late and waking up too much. This period was always very intense and exhausting, but so joyful and stimulating. They would never have been able to keep up this pace over several months, but the two-week period was more than bearable. And then they would spend all their time together after months of sometimes being apart due to their respective schedules, especially Jackson's. They were back at the Mcountdown. The atmosphere was always very good on this set. It was a festive moment, conducive to meetings and exchanges with other groups. Jinyoung and Yugyeom crossed a corridor and greeted some back dancers. Yugyeom grabbed Jinyoung by the neck and tried to climb on his back. He suddenly felt himself being lifted off the ground. Jinyoung carried him through the corridors with some pride. It was his baby, after all, even though he could be very annoying at times. He was so excited that his laughter could be heard all the way down the hall. The other five came out of the dressing room to see what was going on, when they saw that the two were having fun, they went home to finish getting ready. Jinyoung put the youngest on the floor and explained that he had to go to the bathroom. Sitting on the throne, he was thinking about the new film proposal that had been made to him. He didn't know if he would be able to play this type of role, he wasn't sure he had enough nuance in his acting to embody the complexity of the character. At the same time, the prospect of this new challenge motivated him as never before. He was going to flush the toilet when he heard the toilet door open and very quickly Mark's voice asking : 

"Are you feeling sick? “

He didn't hear his interlocutor's answer, he must have nodded or shaken his head. 

"Where does it hurt?"

Still no answer out loud. 

"Do you want some medicine? “

"You don't have what I need. “

That was Jackson's voice. 

"How do you know that? “

"Do you carry around a bunch of anxiety pills on you?"

"No." Mark confessed. 

"So you can't help me. “

"Don't you have any with you? “

"I didn't want to take them with me. I have to try to do without them. “

"Have you ever taken any? “

"All week long. “

Jinyoung held his breath for fear of being discovered. He knew it was wrong to hide in this way and spy on the conversation between these two friends, but it was stronger than he was, he wanted to know. He needed to know.

"How come? “

"Because I can't control myself anymore. “

"What do you mean? “

"I have one anxiety attack after another. “

"Why didn't you tell us about it? “

"Because you would have tried to convince me not to make this comeback and for me, it was out of the question. “

"And it would have been a good idea instead of taking pills all the time to keep you going. “

"No, I had to make this comeback. "he says forcefully and hastily. 

"What's going on with you? It's obvious that you're not in your normal state from the Idol Room. “

"Nothing."

"Nothing? Whereas you just told me that you're on a chain of anxiety attacks and medication."

"It's just stress. “

"I know the stress and it's not the same as anxiety. Something must have happened for you to react this way. “

"I may have moved too fast between my solo career and the band's comeback. “

"It's not the first time you've done it and you've managed it every time. “

"It must be an accumulation. “

"You don't want to talk about it, do you? “

"It's so stupid I don't want to talk about it. “

"How do you know it's silly? We are never tender with ourselves, we often ask ourselves more than others, in a search for unattainable perfection that makes us very unhappy.  
That's why it's better to talk about it to someone more objective. “

"You think you're that "someone"? “

"It's up to you. You're the only one who decides that. Anyway, I'm ready to listen to you. “

Jinyoung's heart accelerated. Perhaps he was finally going to know what had been wrong for several days. He would finally have his answer, the one he was missing like a piece of a puzzle. 

"I had a dream," he said. 

"What's troubling you?"

"It's so weird... I feel like I've had deja vu, like it's not the first time you've been told, "I had a dream" and you say, "What's disturbing you?"

"Maybe it was in your dream that things happened that way. “

"Perhaps..."

"What did you dream about?"

"It was strange. I was in the dressing room of the Idol Room and..."

Jinyoung moved closer to the door as if gluing himself together made it easier to hear the secret. 

"... I was in my room in Hong Gong and was talking to myself when I was thirteen years old. “

"It must have been a bit of a unique situation. “

"I don't remember all the details. I know that I was trying to understand why I was traveling in the past, why I always came back to that period. That was my main objective and if I didn't find the answer, something could happen to me. “

"What do you mean?"

"Even though I forgot a good part of it, I still feel like I've been through a lot. All these events led me to end up in the hospital. You were all there, my parents were there and there was nothing you could do for me. “

"Is that why you woke up so lost in the dressing room? “

"It was horrible, it felt so real. I could see you and I felt like it was close, death was all around me. I couldn't tell if I should believe it or not. Everything was blurry and unanswered, so I ran away thinking I would pull myself together, except that the feeling of its presence was always near me. She was chasing me like a shadow. I tried to reason with myself and told myself that I would feel better the next day. It wasn't as strong but it was still in me, the dream had left my mind and was anchored in my body. 

The anxiety attacks started and I was so out of control that I had to take medication to calm myself down. “

"A simple dream to provoke something so violent? “

"When I told you it was silly. “

"I didn't say that. I perfectly believe that the discourse of our unconscious can make us fall into darkness, but I didn't think it could be expressed by such a powerful dream. “

Jinyoung continued to listen attentively, wondering how Mark would cope after this revelation. He wasn't bad at listening and being supportive, but he was always on the edge when he took on this role. He could make a perfect score or... not. 

"I can't get rid of it," said Jackson, in a neutral tone that was completely unusual, being unable to contain his emotions in his voice. "It's been over a week, I just want to be myself again. I don't want to need a crutch to live anymore. “

"Talking about it might make a difference. Now that you've told me and it's out, you're going to move on. Reality will take over your imagination and everything will be fine. “

"You think?"

"And as for medication, I think you're right, it's better not to take too much unless really, your seizures get really bad but wait until the last minute."

"I'm afraid of becoming dependent. ”

"When you're not feeling well, come and talk to me or call me, I'm always available. And if you have the courage, talk to Jaebum or Jinyoung. They can also help you, if we all help you together, it will get better as time goes by. “

"I can't ask you to constantly take care of me. It's not your job to fix this, I have to figure it out."

"You tried it on your own, did it work? “

Jackson did not answer. 

"You need help and the six of us are here for you. We're Got7 and we support each other for better or worse. “

He thought Mark was going to add something, but he probably wanted to give Jackson time to think about it, to take a step back. 

"The others are going to wonder what we're doing. I'll just go tell them you're coming soon. Take some time to refocus. “

He heard the door open and the young rapper called him back: 

"Mark! “

"Yes?"

"Thank you for listening to me. I don't know what I would do without you. “

"You're welcome. You've always been there for me too. “

Mark left the bathroom, leaving Jackson alone. At least that's what he thought. Jinyoung was glad Jackson had found someone to confide in and Mark had the right words, the ones he would have wanted to say if Jackson had trusted him enough to tell him. He opened his cabin door slightly and stood to the side so that he could observe him without being noticed. He was in front of the sink, facing the mirror, his head down. He seemed to be in the full reflection. He could see his chest rising as if he was trying to calm down. He had only one desire: to come out of his hiding place, to go towards his friend and take him in his arms to hug him very tightly. If he hadn't listened to reason, he would have done this naturally and spontaneously. But he was no longer sure he was allowed to play that role. He wasn't sure of anything anymore, so he didn't move. He was happy that Mark was able to gather his confidences but it made Jinyoung wonder where he belonged with Jackson. He had always been the one with whom he had conversations about his fears, his doubts, his thoughts, his feelings. Now he was no longer his receptacle. The young rapper had decided that it would be someone else and that was unsettling him. He felt a pinch in his heart. If he was no longer useful, they were bound to drift apart. It had always seemed so obvious that they would always be there for each other. He had never imagined that it would be otherwise, and Jackson had always given him that certainty until... that moment. Jinyoung leaned against the cabin wall, looking up at the ceiling, listening to the forced breathing of the person he never imagined he would be deprived of in his future life. He didn't want to think about that. He had to do everything he could not to lose interest. He had to convince Jackson to keep him by his side. He could make do with a very small space. He would make sure that he didn't invade it and that he could adapt. They could have some fun together. A relationship a la Yugyeom and Bambam. He would be satisfied but would it be enough for Wang Gae? After all, he had lots of friends who could give him that kind of relationship. He couldn't stand out from the others, he wasn't funny enough, not special enough for that. He was going to find another way. He wasn't going to panic, everything was going to work out. He wouldn't lose Jackson. He heard the door open, which took his mind off it. He looked at his watch and thought he was going to be late if he didn't move. He went out of the bathroom and back to the dressing room. Everyone was obviously waiting for him. The manager explained one or two things to them. They were all sitting in a semi-circle. Jinyoung had arrived just after Jackson, so they were not far from each other. He listened with a discreet ear, the only thing he could focus on was the neck in front of his eyes. Without even thinking, he reached down to the base of his hair and gently caressed his skin. He did the same gesture several times without getting any reaction from his friend. It was something that his friend liked him to do on a regular basis. This time, this tender gesture was short-lived. Jackson moved quietly to the right, placing his chin on Youngjae's shoulder and whispering something to make him laugh. Jinyoung's hand lowered, coming to rest against his leg to hide his fist closing in on himself. 

This was the last Vlive to thank the fans for their support and love during the promotion of their album. It was always moving because the two weeks had been very intense and very happy. They loved being together so much, so many memories to keep preciously in their memory as with each new album. Jackson had finally regained his joie de vivre and his good mood since he had had his conversation with Mark. He didn't seem to be preoccupied at all anymore, he had regained his interaction with others. He looked lighter, his haggard air had disappeared. He was Jackson again and it was felt in the group. The general anxiety had gone, giving way to their usual cohesion and group dynamics. Everything was perfect. This is the image they had sent back without fail, yet you had to get closer to the idyllic painting to see the slight crack in this beautiful painting. Behind Jinyoung's constant smile and laughter, a gap had opened up between his image and his feelings. In the days that followed the conversation between Mark and Jackson, he had a short and very professional exchange with the latter. They laughed once or twice together, but their special, exceptional complicity had not resurfaced. Jackson was clearly at a distance from him and he didn't know how to bridge the gap between them. He had never experienced this kind of situation with him before. Everything had always been so simple between them as evidence of destiny, as a divine miracle. And suddenly the situation made him realize that they were not above the fray, their relationship was just as human as the others. And this change made him lose his bearings, making every second uncertain. Just as this promotion had started, it ended up in the dressing rooms. Jaebum was lying on Mark's thighs, a book in his hand, waiting for his turn to get his hair done. Yugyeom was eating while Bambam was getting his makeup done and Youngjae was playing on his phone. Jinyoung was in a corner of the room, sitting on the floor with his script in his hands. Jackson hadn't arrived yet, it had been planned all along. 

"When are you going to start shooting your drama," Yugyeom asked Jinyoung. 

"Next week. “

"You're not too stressed? “

"A little..."

"Because of the casting?"

" Yes, it's prestigious. “

Jackson arrived at that moment, leaving his bag and jacket on the couch next to Youngjae. 

"Have you eaten?" he asked. 

"No, I'll eat later. "Jackson replied. 

"How was your date? “

"Not too bad. I'm pretty happy with the result. “ 

"Was that for Team Wang?"

" Yes, it's one of my contacts in the US who gave me the number of a guy who could help us out. “

Jinyoung handed the script to Yugyeom to flip through it: 

"It's crazy how much you have to remember. “ 

"Especially when you're the main character. “

"I am too much in awe. Not everyone can do it. “

"A compliment from you, I'm going to record this. “

Mark ran his hand through his leader's hair and asked: 

"When are you going back?"

"In ten days. “ Jackson answered

"How long are you staying? “

"I'm not sure yet. Probably two months, but I'll be back here for a couple of days. “

"How are you progressing with your new songs? “

"Not too bad" answered Jinyoung to Bambam. 

"But I thought he needed to be replaced. “

"Only if you press it too hard. “

"Ah! That's why it didn't work. I pushed like crazy. “

"You know me, I can't concentrate too long. "Jackson complained. 

"It's because you don't make any effort. "Jaebum teased. 

"It's not my fault I was born this way. It's my parents' fault."

"You blame your poor parents who are so far away. “

"I do what I can to find a good excuse. “

"You should be a little ashamed. “

"Mark already explained it to you, didn't he? "Jinyoung asked Youngjae. 

"He's going too fast, I don't understand."

"It's true that he thinks we understand quickly because he spends his free days playing."

"I'm not at the same expert level as him."

" You can ask him again. “

"I'm going to get an argument, this will be the third time I've asked him the same question. “

"I'm going to the bathroom. "said Jackson

"Make it quick! “

"I'm going to the bathroom," says Jinyoung. 

"You can tell Jackson to hurry up," Jaebum asked.

Jinyoung entered the toilet. Jackson was washing his hands and looked at him through the mirror. They both remained silent, but neither of them let go of the other's eyes. Jackson turned off the faucet and walked to the dryer, still focused on their reflection. When he was finished, he turned to really confront the depth of his brown eyes. He leaned against the sink and crossed his arms. They were both waiting for something. Was it the same thing or something different? Jinyoung put his hands in his pockets. He wanted so badly to express everything that was in his heart. He had left with this resolution, concentrating all his energy in this act. By the time he opened the door and saw it, all his will had gone. He felt so pathetic and miserable to be helpless. He was frozen in place with his brain completely empty. And Jackson didn't move, didn't react, and that gave him only one desire: to scream. Except that he didn't even have the strength to do so. All of his emotions prevented him from becoming free, they were holding him, prisoner, punishing him for being so weak. He didn't even know how he managed to move forward in spite of being stuck. Anger, pain, and the need to externalize this feeling of being a nobody left room for a single sentence.

"I miss you terribly. “

He released, with tenderness, one of the locks of his forehead then he went out. He crossed the corridor with a quick step, trying at all costs not to be overwhelmed by the tears that were beginning to rise. He refrained from crying. It would be totally ridiculous. He had no reason to do so. He was too sensitive. All this because... All because he thought Jackson was slipping away from him. All because he wasn't the center of his attention anymore. All because he couldn't see his life without him anymore. All because...

" Park JInyoungggggggggggg!!"

The despair in his voice crossed his spine, stopping him in his tracks. He looked straight ahead, completely paralyzed by this animal cry that came out of nowhere. He turned slowly for fear of what he would discover. His heart was beating hard in his chest, reasoning throughout his body cavity. As he looked up, he faced the unbearable. There he was, his eyes completely distraught at the edge of tears, his pouting lip trembling slightly. He shrugged his shoulders and raised his arms a little as if to say, "No matter how hard I try, I can't help it. I need you". At this signal, his body made the decision instead of his head. He walked with a determined step, almost running towards him. He opened his arms to welcome him and seeing him come forward, he thought he was going to rush into the hollow of his chest. To his great surprise, Jackson grabbed his face with both hands and placed his lips on his, pressing all his devouring need. Jinyoung, in turn, grabbed his face with both hands to add his own strength. Thus they remained the time of a lifetime, a lifetime for two, the only one that mattered. When they reached the end, when they were old enough and could look back with pride at how far they had come, they separated and placed their foreheads against each other. They continued to hold their faces in their hands, clinging to each other, refusing to let go for fear of never finding each other again. At that very moment, they didn't care where the future lay, they forgot their past. The only thing that mattered was their (un)conditional present love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Voila! That was the last chapter. I can't believe I've come to the end of this adventure. It feels very strange to put an end to this story that started as a short story. It was supposed to be five chapters except that it learned some unexpected proportions. I started it in the middle of a lockdown and just before the comeback of got7 "Not bye the moon" and I finished it eight months later before their future comeback. I put a lot of time and energy into it with a lack of inspiration and I'm really sorry for everyone who had to wait every time. It must have been really frustrating and I really overdid it sometimes. Anyway, I hope this story lived up to its beginning to the end and I also hope that I've shown a story that lives up to the real relationship between Jackson and Jinyoung. I've said this before, but my main goal in writing is to provoke the reader and immerse him in a story where he doesn't come out of it, I hope I've risen to the challenge as well. Thank you all for the many comments and kudos, this is what really encouraged me and pushed me to continue. I think I will feel a strong lack in the days to come but that is the rule of the game and I accept it with great pleasure if my writing manages to touch you. Thank you again for this trip and maybe we'll see you soon...


End file.
